Day 500- stuck on repeat

I know i have already posted today.. but sometimes i just have to let it out. This is my journal , this is my therapy, and its for me.. so why am i apologizing anyways? 


I here the song end , and i hit repeat.. again, and again and again. Maybe i like to torcher myself, I'm not sure. I have flash backs to my childhood, the first time my dad left. My mom crying. Its difficult you know. We relate songs, smells, pictures to moments we want to forget, than we see those triggers and get pulled into them, like a fierce undertow.

And so she sings....  " I can't make you love me , if you won't. I can't make your heart feel, something it won't" and i play it again, on repeat. I play it as he packs and leaves (My dad). I play it on repeat.. which i can only imagine, now, that I'm older.. how hard that must of been for her. This i feel ever sorry for. Then, i play it again when i drive away from my husband, my slave lake lover, my Saskatchewan bad boy... Maybe thats where it all starts. Our view on relationships, life, love... But for me it started with her , Bonnie Raitt.. on repeat.


I sat after writing my last blog listening to this over and over. Im not sure why, i came across it on youtube. Maybe it has been all the self realization and blogging about my past relationships and failures, but Almost like drugs the song, it wafts over me, consumes me, the song swallows me whole. It takes me from a good mood, a happy day , into this dark, lonely, sad place. It brings back the root of my doubt in marriage, men, love... I mean, we don't develop our "Ideals" or " Expectations" on love from thin air. We are moulded into this. Through our parents, our early age life experiences. I always wonder, maybe had he not left that first time, or maybe the second even.. maybe had he thought she, (we) were worth fighting for.. working on, maybe had things been different, maybe had i not been such a young, impressionable women at the time, would i be different, would i have tried harder..

Hell, would i still be married? (good god i hope not.. no offence scott) this song needs to be turned off, I'm talking nonsense. still married.. could i even imagine... thats just it, sometimes i do. It wasn't all bad... .


But i don't dwell on that.. I try not to bring the past into my present decisions. But one can't help but wonder.

I have spent my life believing i can overcome most things in life. I have had my fair share of tragedies, heart aches, losses, change.. I always try to learn from it.. step forward, try harder, be wiser and not repeat my mistakes.

But like Bonnie Raitt, i am stuck on repeat with some things, at least until recently.

I know my blogs have been talking a lot about relationships lately, or my problems. But thats the point. You need to address the issues before you can move past them. I just choose to do it in a very open, out there sort of way. If you knew me, you wouldn't expect anything less..


And she keeps singing to me , her tragic lullaby.. the theme song to my teenage years, my early twenties, and hopefully not my early 30's.

I should note here, my folks are not divorced and are back together and happily married. figured that should be mentioned, sometimes it just takes people 2,4,6 times to break up before they figure it out. My folks really took the old saying "practice makes perfect" to heart ; ) god love them.

"Music lights the fire, before the mind can understand what the heart has already witnessed, the soul dancing, the fire building".

I know, every single person who reads this, will relate to the lyrics below. If you have loved, or lost that is..

Turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices, inside my head

Lay down with me,
tell me no lies
just hold me closely
dont patronize, dont patronize... me

cause i can't make you love me
if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
something that it won't

and here in the dark
in these finally hours
i will lay down my heart
and i will feel the power

but you won't..
no you won't.

cause i can't make you love me
when you don't
when you don't...

i close my eyes
cause than i won't see
the love you don't feel
when your holding me

morning will come
and ill do whats right
just give me till than
to give up this fight

and i will give up this fight...

cause i can't make you love me
if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
something that it won't

and here in the dark
in these final hours
i will lay down my heart
and i will feel that power

but you won't..
no you won't..

cause i can't make you love me..
when you don't.
when you don't....

Bonnie Raitt.


Until next time..

Jenny