I mean we have all been their, something as small as an offer for a tasty treat, a fun party, a better level at a job, or a upgrade "free" to a new vehicle, seat .. anything!
Well yesterday i did just that. I had the opportunity to take some extra time from work and had the bright idea to go on a last minute trip.. the guy at work that sits next to me bounced around some ideas and when i mentioned Peru he lit up like a pin ball machine and sold the idea to me like it was a gift from god shining down specifically at me and of course, without thought, or hesitation.. i drank the coolaid. I did what any normal, sane , just got back from holidays in Italy person would do.... i jumped on line and booked a single flight to Peru.
Have you ever had that great opportunity arise, you took it, and then you felt a overwhelming feeling of nausea.. almost like regret but more like.. WTF was i thinking? This very moment, i am doing just that!
I am like that person that ate the WHOLE box of doughnuts, Bought the new vehicle, Took the job and have NO clue what I'm doing, went to the really fun party that lasted until 6 am and got a little crazy... yes i am the person that is sitting with the sick stomach, looking at the new shiny car, feeling the pains of lack of sleeping, staring at my new employee who is complaining about being late because of his cat "ms buttercup" thinking.. WTF was i thinking!
I am about to board a flight, unprepared, in less than 8 hours to PERU! not just to have a relaxing holiday, but to HIKE Machu Picchu... DURING RAINY SEASON! WTF was i thinking! on top of the toooooo good to be true opportunity, i am doing it SOLO...
Ok, i have had my freak out, i am putting back on my big girl pants and moving past the last paragraph.
Im super pumped, but super scared.
I should note here that this is officially my first trip EVER, going on a solo mission. I have travelled alone many many times, but generally to a place where i have family, friends, acquaintances, or to places that are very "north american" so its easy to be alone..
I find myself sitting here feeling a little overwhelmed, almost a little bit out of sorts. I like to be alone, i love to travel and i am a very confidant person.. but the thought of hiking Machu alone .. well, its rather depressing.
Im trying to stay positive and hope this gives me the opportunity i have been waiting for, the chance to have some serious alone time, soul searching, re grouping type of experience. To look out at the vast landscape and the ancient ruins and have a "Ah Ha" kinda moment.. But this is one of those times were you think.. yes, it will be Ah Ha, but one day, when i want to reminisce on this very moment.. i will have no one to share it with..because i will be alone.
And then it happens, and loneliness sets in... Darn.
I find it interesting in life where loneliness comes from and when you feel its effects. Of all the emotions that trickle through our lives, to me , this is the most lethal.
It creeps in when you least expect it, in moments of happiness, silence, self reflection. It waves over you like a thick smog and makes you doubt your choices, makes small spaces seem like great rooms filled with empty noises and sad memories. Loneliness has a way about it, to whisper in your ear the ever soft notes of moments missed, loves lost and souls wanting.
Once it catches hold of you, it manages to make even the most wonderful of moments seem less brilliant, dull and scuffed. Its the Loneliness that feeds upon the changing, the weak and the broken. We all know this feeling. The single person who longs for a partner, The married person who longs for a partner who actually sees them, the widow who longs for a lost love..
Loneliness is a friend i know well, it sits with me daily and taunts me to dance, waiting for the opportunity when my card isn't full. I have learnt well how to keep busy enough and brave enough to not fall prey to its waltz.
I have been trying to work on the absence of loneliness the "feeling" and embracing the ability to understand Loneliness, the act of being "alone". It feels good to be able to recognize the difference. To be comfortable with the latter enough to not invite the feeling in.
As part of this 519 days remaining it is my goal to not sit and allow the feeling to overcome me as it did the past 5 days again .No random texts to an ex, to fill empty spaces of time i cannot face, No offers to others to accompany my crazy travel plans, because i cannot bare to see a magnificent summit alone.
Its when we are alone , that we truly learn who we are. Once we have that opportunity, it is then when we are with someone that we truly see the reflection of who we are through another's eyes.
I want to fill up all of the loneliness i posses with enough inner love, strength and capability, so when i do meet my partner in crime.. i will be a reflection of someone, not even i will recognize.
Since this was such a serious post, to lighten the mood and find joy in all things.. Below is a picture of my backpack for Peru. If you knew me, you would realize how amusing it will be for me to manage with just this for 6 days, never mind to try and pack everything in it. Not to mention caring it on a 4 day hike myself. (Some choose porter, i stick with my true motto in life " if they can do it, i can do it" )
Wish me luck!
Until Next time...
Jenny
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