Standing atop the Andes, staring out at the miracle before me. The vastness of its presence that moves your very soul. It was that moment, the air crisp, legs tired, rain fading to a mist, that the Mountains lit up, the heavens opened and brought clarity to that very spot, and the wind whispered in my ear... that was the moment i understood. It radiated through the entirety of my being. That was when the thought approached me.
I left a part of my Being, my essence, my soul on that mountain in Peru.. i replaced that piece of me, with something much more profound. Words cannot even explain this.
Let me get back now to the start of my journey. Its been a few days ( a week) since i was able to blog. Since than, I have left Calgary, flown to Peru, Hiked Machu Picchu and arrived back home, alone.
A typical hike of the Incan Trail takes 4 days (this is the general tour you can get). Its 44km of mountain terrain that has about 15km of that a straight incline. The first day is roughly 10km of flatness with gradual incline, the 2nd day is straight uphill (not ramp like, but stone steps) for 8 km than down hill for another 3-4km. Day 3 is 16km of up hill and down hill, day 4 is 4 km and Machu Picchu. Easy right!
Ya, well would of been easy if my permit came in time. I get a call Monday after being in Cusco for 1 day and expecting to leave the following day Tuesday to hike until Friday. Well wouldn't you know it, My permit doesn't show up! the government is a day behind. So I am told.
This is when i receive what at the time seemed like the most disappointing news ever.. "Sorry lady, you cannot hike the Incan trail. Your options are the jungle trek or the 2 day Machu Picchu visit" Are you F&^$%#$ Kidding me! I just came all this way to PROVE to myself i could do this. To hike the WHOLE trail, no porter (person who carries your bags) and carry my 20lb backpack across the Andes myself!
I am not sure if it was just pure frustration, desperation or all of those years of using my Womenly Wilds to manipulate situations but being the oh so demanding women i am, i turned to this poor peruvian guide and said "Listen Buddy, i came here to hike this trial, i WILL hike this trail, and you will help me find a way to do it. I don't care if i have to hike the whole damn thing alone, i am doing it".. 100 US later (what can't money buy, right.. ugh) and i have my own personal guide and have committed to hiking day 1 & 2 above, alone, in 1 day to reach the group who left a day prior. FUN. EASY right? thats what i thought.
Well you can only imagine my surprise when 13 km into the Hike , i am less than half way up the Steepest incline, climbing to 4200 Meters and I'm at a fork in the road. Only one word can truly describe to me what this hike, 21km in one day felt like. SUFFERING. True Suffering. Pilgrimage style Suffering. My legs feel like led, I'm tired, my back hurts, the lack of sleep the night before (2 hours) and the elevation are getting to my brain and i just feel like i can't breath. No amount of puffs on my Inhaler is helping (yes asthma). Every 10 steps i have to stop and take a "break" and i keep turning to my sweet guide Juan Carlos saying "i am so so sorry, i am usually way better than this, i feel like I'm failing you" and he winces, noting his tiredness too as this poor man has only ever done this trek in 1 day, 3 times in his life. Juan always responds "Its ok Rosita (my mothers name) everyone struggles here, you are doing great, take your time, its ok lady, its ok".
Then 2/3 of the way up i just stop. I cannot go on. Thats when it happens. Juan turns to me. "Mrs. Rosita, let me take your bag, i am a strong man (he is 5,5 and weighs I'm sure a buck 40), i can take both (he already has a bag and two walking sticks). It Hits me.. the tears.. i feel them, starting, welling up, trying to escape. Why am i about to cry do you ask?.. because i have a fear of Failure. I hate to fail, this moment, Juan asking to help me.. it destroyed me. I felt like i came this far, how could i give up now.
Its amazing to me what the human psyche can do to overcome the pain and suffering of the human body. It took one instance of fear of failure and i did what i do best. I turned to Juan and said "I can take my own F@#$# bag, Thank you" i turned around and started climbing at a pace unmatched by any other I'm sure that day. I could hear Juan hollering at me "slow down ms. Rosita, you need to be careff....uuu....lll" and i was gone. Moments later i saw the peak, it only fuelled my motivation. I picked up speed and climbed, climbed and climbed.
I remember thinking at one point " this is amazing that i don't even feel my body anymore, its like the pain doesn't exists" i remember thanking god for blessing me with the ability to block out my worldly feelings. I remember seeing the peak, i remember watching it come ever so closer with every step. Like each step represented a moment in my life i wanted to leave behind, a failure i wanted to overcome and a future i was striving towards. I kept climbing.
And than the moment happened, the one all people look forward to, whether it be a hike, a challenge, a life event, reaching the Precipitous of the moment, the peak, staring out at all that you have accomplished, looking back for a fleeting moment to soak it in, and reminisce on the journey that lay behind you and looking forward to the new opportunity in front of you. .. (Enters Juan Carlos) " You are a rock star ms. Rosita" (High five Juan, yes i am!!)
I stood atop that mountain a new women. (Maybe i am over dramatic because its the highest mountain i had hiked, but it wasn't the mountain that was the point, it was the journey it represented) To be honest seeing Machu Picchu was so amazing, but it fades in comparison to reaching the top of this peak.
Either way there are three very valuable lessons i had learned on this hike :
- Never underestimate the ability of your body to perceiver. You can ALWAYS give more then you think you can
- Less is more. 20lbs was not fun to carry
- Don't forget Toilet paper (Not pretty...trust me)
One thing i should note. When we finally made it to camp that night, Juan had said it should be about 11 hours of hiking to get there. I was continually apologizing to him for being slow, taking too much time, not being good enough. I think this is something i commonly do in life. Rather than being ok with just being me, i have gotten so use to apologizing for not being good enough, quick enough, smart enough, loving enough etc.. Well the funny thing about that... my Enough was 7.5 hours. not 11. We arrived to camp only 2 hours behind the group who started a day prior and we had Hiked the Incline 3 hours faster. HELL YES!
I am going to try to let my inner light guide me and leave the sorries behind me!
As will all of these posts. A poem or little saying i wrote along the way :
"May you always be one step ahead of the darkness finding you, and guided eternally by the light inside you"
Until next time...
Jenny
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