Let me introduce the concept of my blog... or first.. let me say that i have now listened to the song Passenger -Let her go ,on repeat for the last 3 hours... lets say that is the start to this blog. Letting go.
The big count down, to the big 30. This seems like a average thing to count down to, i agree. The only difference is i am trying to write a "journal" per say to count down 524 days of not falling into the trap of the "normal" the desire to down the prescription; the north american pill, the desire to settle, to conform and to become... well, to become a mother, a wife, a worker, to allow the Big 30 to be a big bar that slams down on me with every fleeting minute, suffocating my every thought that i haven't done enough, loved enough, lived enough or settled enough.
I have found myself in a unique situation where all i have ever wanted was to be married, have one or two kids and a fairly average career by 30. Well... here is the kicker, 30 is 524 days a way, a little less than a year and a half. I am married and divorced, no kids, no average career (quiet the opposite) and no boyfriend, husband, lover.... Tick Tock. Up until this past week i had committed to myself to find the scenario mentioned above and settle, have a family and live the all American dream... Back Up! To be quiet frank and very honest i actually had been saving for Invetro (You say crazy.. i say resourceful) .. you see, i have determined in this day and age my options are limited for men, and if i was going to have kids (the kids i so patiently have been dreaming of, wanting, hoping and missing out on) i would have to do it myself. The only thing is, me being the non traditional, i can do it myself and i don't need a man to create my dreams type of girl.. Invetro seemed like my ticket... The date was going to be October of this coming year (2013). That was the plan anyways. It would ensure the baby would come before my 30th birthday.. that was until , well... i woke up.
This blog is going to be my every week reminder of how i won't give in not only to social norms, but to the idea that if i don't have a child before 30 i will be let down, an outcast, some kind of freak...
I would like to note here that having kids and a family before 30 seems to be highly North American ideal, i recently was on a trip to Italy and the average person there doesn't marry until 35 and have kids until around that age as well.. The downside to that is its the men who are 35 marrying 23 year olds.. go figure.
I recently let go of the love of my life, or the idea of him anyways, a girl can only wait so long.. 4 years seemed like a good time to walk away. This was very difficult.. you see, i am not sure if i even believe love exists anymore (typical statement) but seriously. I seem to find myself in the situation where i am the girl that all guys want to date, but not marry. I am the outgoing, independent, make my own living, loves to travel (even alone) and can do everything myself type of girl... seems like a catch RIGHT? ... WRONG.... all men want to date that, but they want to marry a very caring, loving, always home, always needing, always nurturing, not so free thinking type of woman... I know whoever is reading this is thinking (give your head a shake lady) but despite your best efforts to make me feel otherwise i TRULY and FIRMLY believe this statement to be true. Not only do i think it, but i have been told it by the last 3 relationships i have been in. "You are such a great girl Jenny, and any guys would be so lucky, your the smartest most assertive girl i know, but i just... well the thing is, i never imagined id marry someone like you. I'm sorry" ... thats the moment i think "Why wasn't i born a man"... anyway thats for another day.
So i have made a decision to myself this next 524 days well be ... Operation change the norm for 30 and DO NOT settle.. Do not Settle for a man you don't really love, a child you aren't ready for, a career you don't love, a location you can't stand or friends that aren't real..
I start my life "Cleansing" today.. i have washed away the baggage that has been dragging me down, including all of the clothes and dirt piling up in my house i do not need and i am going simple.. i am keeping it simple.
My goal, By 30... well you will have to wait and see... this is going to be 524 days to change the last 28 years that have been hammered into me to live and be a certain way.. well.. here we go... Change.
Passanger -Let her go
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch, oh it dies
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
Well you let her go
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Until next time...
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