Day 500- Peeling the onion part 2 - Where i went wrong..

I was sitting at work today listening to some really heavy Grace Potter and the nocturnals music when i suddenly had a flash back into many of my prior relationships. After writing the post yesterday it really got me thinking about where i go wrong in the relationship...what is that moment, where it goes wrong, for me?

You all know that moment, when you have known for months that its not working, emotionally you have checked out. Hell you have fanasized about the right moment to end things.. This man(or women) is just not your forever partner. The very presence of them at times irritates you and or hurts you because either your too mean, or they are; Or your two distant, or they are. Then, you come home one day, or recieve a text(those are my favourite) that its not "working out". This should be a moment of happiness for you, release, the ability to move on.. But instead, you find yourself hysterically crying for this person (the person you havent wanted for months) and you even take it one step further and your BEGGING them to not leave you, and conviencing them, throwing out every reason your mind can conjour up as to why you are right for them, and why it can change... That, my dear friends.. is the Moment i have pinpointed where i  go wrong in the relationship....

Thats me, down there on the floor, couch, over the phone, in bed crying... Feeling utterly lost, alone and at odds with "how" how could it of possibly went this way. It was Perfect. The months of fighting, heartache, distance, lack of romance, disgust, insacurities and overall in abilities to like the partner i am with. WHERE IN THE WORLD DID IT GO WRONG? Right.... hahah pathetic right.

Now this scenario only applies to part of the time. Me, that girl wading through mile long piles of tissue has a fear of failure. I would rather date a guy i don't like  (This is man 1-4 in my peeling the onion part 1) for months, hell even Years after its just not right because i don't want to be that girl that never tried enough to fix what was wrong. I of course, blame this on the fact that after my divorce i felt like maybe i could have tried harder and didn't.. so i promised myself at that moment, 7 years ago, to never give up so easy again. To a fault based on the above pre mentioned scenario. I have even had one therapist goes as far as saying i suffer from Co-Dependancy. Like i actually am crazy enough to think these poor schmucks depend on me for happiness... right, thats precisely why I'm the one crying on the couch. ha!

The funny thing about this whole crying, poor me act that i put on for god knows what reason, is that half the time I'm watching it happen like a horrible train wreck in complete and utter shock that I'm doing it.

Whats worse, is when its the men i should cry for... i don't. 

I have determined this hysterical crying crazy women is due two 2 primary things. One, as discussed prior, i hate failing at anything in life. Two, I just don't want to have to start over... Again. I mean, who does?

This leads me to the other part of my.. the moment it goes wrong scenario. The second part of this is the "no cry jenny" side. I have this horrible thing i do when i really actually love and care about someone or something, and things are coming to an end and they are breaking down in front of me... I'm like a stone cold steve austin...

I have most likely at this point cried so many nights in secret that i am all cried out, but its worse than that. I don't like the people i love seeing me weak and with my guard down. So when those relationships end, i tend to be somewhat cold and distant.  I get actually quiet pissed off (if its ending because of them). Because the thing i know well about myself, i am very Utilitarian in nature. i look at a relationship (this I'm sure is part of the problem) like an investment. I put a large down payment into these things as do all of us, i invest my emotions, my time, my heart, my love and i expect of course a return on this investment in some way, usually a successful relationship would be a good trade off.  Maybe... i should stop treating relationships like a business transaction.. maybe..

So when it all comes crumbling down, I'm left feeling like my investment was a flop and i can't get back those minutes, hours, days, weeks and years of time that was wasted on someone who knew months in, i was not right for them. But such is life.. The worst part of these endings is usually i am left being called cold, heartless, or my most recent and personal favourite "rotten to the core".

( I should note here, maybe when the guy said i owed him for a bill he paid for doggy daycare, i maybe shouldn't of responded " Perfect.. you can deduct that from the 5,000 you owe me for my dogs leg you broke and said you would pay for.. and didn't"... Story of my life.. literally, two boyfriends, two dogs, two busted legs, two 5,000 dollar bills.. .when the hell will i learn.. (to stop buying dogs haha)

If there is one thing i do know that maybe is part and partial to the cause of this dilemma.. I truly know that i don't NEED a man to be happy. I WANT a man to share my life with. The problem is, most people want to be Needed, not just WANTED. Thus, breeding all sorts of insecurities when they learn they aren't. The inevitable demise of my relationships all stem around insecurities and trust issues. Go figure..

This, leads me to a song by Beyonce "Why don't you love me" that I am putting out there for all of those men and women who know there worth. (This title also verbatim is something i have asked a man on more then one occasion crying my eyes out for no reason... oh man..) 500 days and feeling it!  Now download this song and shake your bootie because you know your awesome, just not awesome for everyone.. and THATS OK!!!



"Why Don't You Love Me?"

Now, now, now, honey
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now 
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune
Ooh.....

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB

Off to Italian Language class... lets not even get into why i am taking that... old habits die hard ; )

Until next time...

Jenny