This, for me was yesterday. Audio Slave " I am the Highway"
I am so disappointed in myself. This was what ran through my mind as the tears welled up in my eyes (seems like i cry a lot lately. But do not mistake these tears for sadness, it was utter anger). This is what i thought over and over as the storm grew. I watched my self fall into this train wreck knowingly. That's what happens when you don't use your judgement. That's what happens when you let the "idea" of something sweep over you, you let old feelings of love take over the feelings of hurt and you ignore that voice in side of you yelling NO, DON'T ANSWER IT , you watch that voice say NO, DON'T SAY YES, you watch that voice inside of you say NO,DO NOT GET EXCITED.. because it knows. It sees the signs and it has witnessed the end result before it happens, the big , stupid, completely avoidable wreck. What train wreck you ask?
Well you know a few blogs back, when I mentioned the ex that had called to let me know he was moving to Calgary... The same one that left me high and dry after we were "house shopping". Changed his mind at the last minute. This one, well this was one of the ones i truly had seen myself settling down with. Not compromising even. I really did love him, I just unfortunately did not fit into his picture. This is completely fine. We are only human and should do whats best for us. I think its the tact a person uses that matters most, not why they are doing the leaving. This man, with me, lacked Tact (sorry).
Well, back to the point. This same individual that I told not to call me when he moved here, because i could not be his friend. I even went as far as reminding him "why would i want to be friends with someone that used me , lied to me, than left me.. who wants that?" . Well this lovely man, god bless his heart thought it wise to ignore my request and there i am , sitting at work, happy, minding my own business and my phone rings. I see the caller ID. I have a war with my inner self as to whether i answer or not. .. She has me in a vice grip, I'm struggling, i see the phone ringing, I'm reaching out with all my might and i flip my inner self, pile drive her into the ground like a crazy lady on black Friday at Macy's and grab the phone.. why? Because I am straight stupid, a sucker for punishment, or... human.
Either way the phone call leads to another internal battle. To meet for a drink, or to not meet for a drink.. I mean we all know this is a horrible idea, but i convince myself, whats the harm.. in just one... drink...RIGHT.
Hell i knew it was a horrible idea. Whats worse is i thought that the call , the persistence meant this man still loved me. I had it in my head that all i had to do was look extra sexy (you know, the hell yes i look this good and you left this why? sort of thing.. silly). Well i figured if i could look good enough, be fun and funny enough and interesting enough over drinks, maybe he would miss me. I even went as far to think that to hell with the 500 days, maybe this man will get back with me, we will fall back in love and have all the babies i don't even want right now... WHAT THE F^%$ WAS I THINKING?
So , this is when it all unravels. .. as it always does when we go against our inner spirits guidance. Here i am, having a drink across from this beautiful, tall, manly, blue eyed , wonderful.. ill stop there.. Man. (He is number 1 from my list of men i should not date, of course) I am laughing, we are talking like old times, all of those old, wonderful feelings come rushing back.. I forget of course all of the tragedy and hurt. I actually start feeling like maybe he is looking at me like he still loves me, maybe he will ask me to go home with him (hahahah ... right..). Then, for reasons unknown to myself, i get this feeling to ask. Why the hell i ask this, i don't know, but i do. "Are you seeing someone". Well, what do you think?
This guy proceeds to go into some detail as to the new girl he is seeing and how its good and this and that.. this is where the tears start. I am so disappointed in myself. what i don't understand, is what kind of person does this?
What kind of man, or women for that matter in the world thinks A) calling up an ex to just be buddies after leaving them in a horrible way is right, B) Dating someone but taking an ex out for drinks is ok? C) Mixing these two and talking to an ex about your amazing new girlfriend? WTF?!!
So, needless to say I was taken back by this. I was not in tears because i was sad, i was in tears because i was mad. Also because i should of expected this. This is typical behaviour for this person. To think i actually almost thought to give up 500 days of awesomeness for 50 mins (probably 15) of ... MEH. because that's what it would of been in the end.
The worst part is when you confront this type of person with a "why the hell did you call me, invite me out, and make me feel this way when you have a girlfriend? why the heck would you call me when i asked you not to and made it clear i don't want to be your friend.. do you not remember, you LEFT"
and there response.. " I dunno, i never really thought of it that way".. Ah, that's just the point.
To me, this is the problem. All to often we do not think of other people when we make decisions. we are all culprits of this. We make the decision based on our feelings or wants, vs. how it may affect other people. This is something i try very hard not to do.
Anyways. I am disappointed that i ever let this person have power over me and my life and my heart. I think we all know what its like to allow someone power over us. To manipulate our wants, even our thoughts and actions. Sometimes when it comes to Love or the Idea of it, we act irrationally, we make decisions that we know are wrong. Its like we loose all sense of right or wrong.
I will NOT be making this mistake again. 498 days and counting. Learning every day as i go. Im thankful for this experience because if anything, it just has reaffirmed to me that i am doing the right thing in my quest.
I AM NOT YOUR ROLLING WHEEL... I AM THE HIGHWAY!! ( never forget it)
Until next time..
Jenny
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