Day 472 - Sweet Nothing

I still feel it, when I close my eyes. The way his touch feels on my skin, the way his smell engulfed my senses when he held me.. just  like that.. He was a mix of grape cigarillos, pine, fresh air and old spice.. to me, an intoxicating mix. Sometimes (most times)  when I'm lying alone, I still picture his arm around my waist, the look of his hands, the hair on his arms, the freckles on his wrist.. and for a minute, just one, I believe he is actually there, I feel safe, as only he could provide this comfort..

But the reality is, my comfort is gone, what has replaced this is the unknown, the great big unknown , I am here. .. But, he is not.

Its days like this, when my moments are not filled up, where my time is free and I haven't managed like i try too, to occupy every second.. heaven forbid i ever stop to breath, for when i do , i am open to  lurking emotions that don't ever really go away. This is when he creeps in, this is when i allow it to take over. I have this deep rooted aching inside of me, its an aching that only he can understand and only i can know. Its an aching developed through a bond that should have been stronger than all of the years of life and the weathering of time.. but it wasn't.

So it aches... so painfully at times and there is a hallow in me now.. No number of men, dates, yoga classes, gym sessions, good books or adventures away have managed to fill or subdue this. Sometimes I hate him for this feeling, other times i love him for allowing me to feel such deep love for another.. even when it was not returned. The absence of him re organizes my entire existence.. as I had imagined only an existence with him. Even now, my mind drifts there often, and for a moment I feel so utterly disappointed.

Have I moved on, yes... But do we ever forget the ones who leave without a reason, without an understanding, when we knew so deep inside of ourselves that this was right.. for us, but not for them.

I question the purpose of why we had to meet. Why i had to spend countless years missing him, travelling to him, leaving him, ultimatums, lost lives, love, days, minutes.. for what.. One argument, and no call back, no answer.. and as soon as he came, infected me with his brilliance, he left..  The leaving indicated he felt i deserved better.. he would never use the word brilliance to describe himself.. simple, humble, hard working.. not brilliant.. but he was. I just hope one day the aching will stop, and I can fill the aching with a different kind of desire.. one less blinded by love and loss.

So I find myself, starting a new.. and I'm living on such sweet nothing (You know this tune).  I have put my faith, into something unknown.. and I'm living on such sweet nothing. Such sweet, sweet, nothing....

I look at my ego a lot in this deep aching. Do i only miss him, because he didn't want me? Is it the desire to conquer and to win, not the actual outcome of the win?... I'm certain this must have something to do with it. When someone leaves you, and you aren't doing the leaving.. I think it isn't easy to let it go. My journey to day 500, is to let this ego go. This ego that has me wanting and urning for loves lost and days passed.. its the ego in all of us that is the cause of missed opportunity, wasted moments and countless heartache...

So here I am , rocking out to Florence.. and IM LIVING ON SUCH SWEET NOTHING... and its sweet, because its mine.. and i will turn this sweet nothing into an amazing something... but for now.. I close my eyes, and there he is.. Fuck.


Until next time...

Jenny