Day 197- Just a little too long ,to see..

"You , You've been looking, at me
just a little too long..
 now I,  I can never , look the same" 


Well, as with all things in life.. Its been a while. In fact, a long while. Over 6 months to be exact, since I have found time, inspiration, desire, need...to write.

So.. write I shall.

I have spent the majority of my day with this looming feeling of loneliness. This thing that plagues me, you, all of us really. The need to have this void, this ever changing, fiery core that creeps up now and again filled (Despite how already full your life may be). The unfortunate thing about that, is I don't truly believe it ever goes away, its almost a necessity. Its what drives us. Without that occasional need for change, desire for more, to be truly fulfilled, to fill up that ol' void.. We would sit stagnant, we would not progress, because we would be content. Its the lack of content that drives progression in life. And, oh... do I lack that beautiful, peaceful, lull that we call content.

But its days like this, when I am driving for what feels like the millionth time in a month down that straight, never ending, icy cold highway between here and there, that I desire to be content in all things. To not feel that desire for progression, to not feel this pit that grows daily deep inside me to escape my even now, wonderful existence. To throw it all away and run deep into life, so deep that I don't come back, and if I ever do I wont recognize the me I am now, the me that looks at me through the rear view mirror, this women I have become, that I want to continually change but despite my best efforts, all that remains.. is me.

And then that song, it rises, it brings me there,  a soliloquy to further ebb me to the edge. I crack , tears, loud singing, covered in tears... Like I could add any more to  my already tumultuous internal battle with self, I add tears( wussy, I say to myself.. go figure.). Maybe I'm missing you, maybe I feel exhausted because I haven't slept for more then 5 hours a night in what seems like years, maybe its because I can breathe, or because I really never imagined I would be here, like this, ..  or maybe its just because I am still running from self.. crazy self.

And then he says it, like it was meant for me, this moment...

Hallelujah.... Hallelujah... Baby Ive been here before, I have seen this room and I have walked this floor.. you know, I use to live alone before I knew ya.. And I have seen your flag on the marble arch, and love is not a victory march.. its a cold, and its a broken Hallelujah.....

Or maybe.. its because I have become so use to having my existence, intertwined with yours. I have become so use to feeling full, because my fullness was fulfilled in seeing your love reflected at me ...daily, and I absorbed it selfishly. I took every last drop like I needed it to survive, despite having nothing to give back.. I felt full, through the love you gave.. freely, unconditionally.

I , like all strong women have convinced myself that I don't need anything, and anyone but me. This was true, or at least, I thought it was. Then all of a sudden,  without the daily reminder of who I am, what I am capable of, through your eyes.. off all that is possible, all that I am, and all I want to be, that I see through you... I am at a loss.. because its a cold version of me that is reflected back, because the only one that had time to alight the desire in me was you, not even I...


Hallelujah... Hallelujah.........

 

Day 397 - Latter Day

Dreams, sometimes, have this ability to take hold of you. They twist this beautifully intricate web of thoughts, each one a minuet detail. When strung together, in just the right sequence they become the possibility of what Could be. Or, what's more, what you believe to be... what is.

Sometimes, its these very dreams which we morph into firm belief, that if we peruse them with all desire and passion we shall achieve them, and at that moment feel a sense of complete relief, accomplishment, joy even.. its these very dreams that become at times our  very undoing.

I sit here, a night owl.. a curse perhaps but a dreamer I am, and there seems to be no reset for those with the intent to peruse life's great mysteries, treasures, secrets. To unlock the very essence of this existence and breath it all in.. I had thought that making my dreams more, more than thoughts that pass in the night, that dance across my soul, and wake me with such great purpose only to disappear by morning light. By pursuing them with such fierce desire, I may find a sense of peace, of greatness. Maybe this is where we go wrong.. Or more so, where I have gone wrong.

I find myself always reaching this never ending goal. If I climb my highest mountain, there is always another in the distance. It calls to me, unaware of the journey I have just persevered, Indifferent of the burdens I have bared to get here and apathetic to my souls desire to rest. The great desire to sit for a moment, and just be. To enjoy what is, without looking to what could be. Its this perpetual cycle that leaves me, my soul, my heart, left wanting.

Many a moments, nights , and days I find myself trying to just hold it all together. Sitting here, staring across this empty room, unsatisfied. A life of abundance, great friends, great career, great opportunities, journeys that I use to sit dreaming about, made into realities. Yet, I sit here..

I sit here feeling this complete sense of failure, regardless of successes obtained I sit here dreaming a dream that I was never able to make into a reality. So I spend these moments, (the ones I don't fill with things, people, noise). these peaceful moments trying to convince myself I should feel lucky, blessed, happy and content. Its these moments that I constantly find myself lacking.. Because I am stuck chasing a dream of yesterday, unable to enjoy the realities of today. Its the idea of what I had imagined my life to end up like, that continually keeps me from enjoying the one I have.

Cease the day they say.. which one? This one, or the days gone by, or the days to come?

All I know is this.. Careful what you wish for, as sometimes its these wishes that we hold onto with dear life that have us holding back, making decisions based on what should have been, not what is..

Latter day

I often dream of a day gone by, a time where my dreams weren't chased with lies
now moments of  what is are replaced by what was,  deeper into this falsified love
I rest upon this place time and again, its between the space of  here and then
Its where passion rose and determination ignite, between the dusk and  the dwindling light
I find you there when I close my eyes, the past expectations I have yet to realize
This affirmation that its all okay , as I mistake my dreams for a latter day
I often dream of a day gone by, its in these moments I hear my soul cry



Until next time...

Jenny

Day 433 - Hollow

" Its not much of a life your living, its not just something you take, its given"

Here I am , exploring life. All of its opportunities, forms of living , forms of caring , and sharing my life with others. I use to think living was a simple thing, but lately I seem to be drowning in its complexities. In this path to personal enrichment, I have found myself turned upside down, inside out and utterly confused, sitting now questioning my own purpose in this journey. I have blurred my own lines between the intent of a journey, the journey itself and the destination. I'm sitting here now, wondering which of the three matters most..

My path, this plan and life's effervescence has somehow been dulled by the inner workings of my heart. This, a thing I write about often. But I had imagined letting go to be easier. But like all things in life, its not.

I find it so very interesting how a touch, a movement, a memory, a smell.... ah yes, a smell.. can utterly crash a somewhat smooth auto pilot course to living. Sometimes it can seem so overwhelming that you hold for dear life as you watch the emotions crash around you, your senses ignite, the smell overcome you and the memory damn erupt. Than your their... forced to relieve the best, worst and most intimate moments of your life, even if for a fleeting second, its enough.

I use to think it was important to push those moments above aside.. to push the emotion , the pain, the somewhat endless suffering down. To ignore it and not allow myself to wallow in something that I have no hope in hell of changing. This is something I have become too good at. There in lies the problem.

When you spend the better part of your adult life ignoring important feelings that are key to accepting and moving forward, you stay stuck on repeat. Like ground hog day. If you don't deal with your emotions, acknowledge them, hell wallow in them for as long as is healthy, I don't believe you will ever get over them. That's why for me, they keep popping up, like a slow, silent, endless torture.. they keep arising.

Recently someone challenged me to allow the feelings to wash over me, to accept them and live in them. Its a hard thing to do, its like the Rhianna song for me. " The reason I hold on.. oooooh cause I need this hole gone. . . . not really sure how to feel about it, something in the way you move, makes me feel like I cant live without you, and it takes me all the way.. I want you to stay.."  Those 4 letter words. STAY.. that's why I believe I, and many other people do this, push things down, do not confront them. Because when I do, when I wallow, when I allow to really feel the grief and loss of it. To let the idea of my life only being completed by this person go.. He will be gone. And however twisted and sick it is, I want the memory to stay.. the pain to stay, because its the closet thing to being in his presence. (How messed up is that??!

I really don't know what is worse. Loving to much, or not Loving enough. I feel like I was defeated by the latter of these two adversaries, and the first has now caught up, but alas too late, so the latter now taunts me.


Hollow

I hear it tick and watch you go , with you the words ill never know
Through the moonlight and between these lines, drifts a silent loving crime
As the clock falls and the hand strikes one, all  we had will be undone
It flows around me and swallows me whole, all the words  ill never know
The chasm releases what's buried inside , feelings of you I masterly hide
As the time moves on  the memories unleash, I feed the engine like a beast
Burning inside this fiery glow, this moment , you leaving and the words ill never know.


Until next time,

Jenny

Day 460 - Let brotherly love continue..

"Let brotherly love continue. Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares." Hebrews 13

He sat crying, pouring his heart out to me. I remember thinking, this man, he should be stronger than this... not understanding. His demeanour, the one i imagine he would have if it wasn't for the given situation, seemed stronger. So tall, broad, dark, brooding. But he wasn't, he was crying, sobbing, pouring his heart out to me. I , a complete stranger.

He had been through tough times, you could tell this based on his rough, beaten up hands and rough beaten down appearance. His face looked as if no more than 35, but his weathered appearance aged him. His story was an intimate, heart wrenching kind. A drug addict and alcoholic, he battled with losing jobs, homes, money, family. He cleaned himself up, the hardest thing he had ever done in his life he said. He met her there, in rehab. Julia. They had this connection, it made him want to be a better person, it gave him the desire to change his life. They made a life together, had children, two. Than he relapsed. They lost everything because of him. You couldn't help but twinge as this story was laid out, the true guilt that fell of his tongue. 

If it wasn't for her, and the love he felt and the pressure she pushed, he wouldn't of went back. He spent the last 8 months in rehab, waiting for her, longing to get back to supporting his family. January 24th he got out of rehab, and he was on his way to meet her. She was waiting for him at there local spot, arguing with another man. This man wanted to be with her, I'm sure at times he probably had. He said that the cops recounted on the report, that the argument escalated and she said NO, I LOVE WARREN. she stepped of the curb. That's when she got hit. The day he got out, she got hit by a car and died.

This was the moment that my heart broke for this man. As he sat sobbing, drunk, covered in his own vomit, hands bleeding in front of me. Crying for Julia, crying for his sorrow was so great he couldn't and didn't want to go on. He felt it was his fault that he wasn't there, he felt that maybe she did it on purpose, ended her life. Either way, here he sits, horribly drunk, beat up and down.

I wanted to do something for him but what? I just sat and listened,its as all i could manage. After all, this was a huge, intimidating, drunk, homeless, native man who approached me on the sidewalk, in fact he blocked my passage to a point i feared for a instant for my own life, and he begged me "please, i just need someone to talk to , listen to me" So i did, and that's when he broke down. 

The hardest part was when he said " What would you do, if i told you i was going to kill myself tonight"?. " What would you do?" I said. " I don't know, something i imagine" his response. " No, you would do nothing, like everyone else out there, i don't exist to you and after this you won't even give me a thought"

I tried to fight that concept in my mind, battling with my self to find some kind of reason or answer that would make me an above average individual in this situation, but i had nothing. He was right. what would, or could i do? I didn't know him, i didn't know where he lived, how to contact him or ensure his safety, nor did i even feel overly comfortable in doing so. So what could i do? So this is what i said.

" Warren, all i can do is ask that you don't. Taking your life because of the grief of Julia won't bring her back. The only thing that will make any of this better is if you stop drinking. Julia wanted you sober and your doing a dis service to her and your children by being a drunk. You only feel like dying because your drinking is making you depressed. You are better than this, and you should show her that you are. I can't do anything beyond this because i have no idea what to do. Just please , i ask of you to go get help, and if you want i will take you"

Warren and i parted ways that day with a bus ticket and a pizza that i bought him to help sober him up. He didn't want a ride to rehab, but he did promise he would go, but he said he valued the time i gave him, and that he wouldn't forget it. As he walked away i will never forget his words. 

"You have a good soul lady, were all human, and sometimes all we need is our fellow brothers to listen.. not many like you these days" .. my heart exploded.

I can't help now, since  last week but to sit and think about Warren daily. He enters my thoughts every day and for a moment i am very sad. Because what if he did kill himself, and i did nothing? It forever lingers now on my mind. The truth is, in a normal situation i would not of even talked to him, i would of been super rude and barged past him. For whatever reason that day, Hebrews 13:2 whispered across my mind as he approached me, and i opened myself up to the uncomfortable, and i offered a ear to a man in need.

I feel its all too often we look down at people who are less fortunate than us, on the streets. Not because we think we are better than them, more often because they make us uncomfortable, there lack of hygiene, there lack of conformity and what seems like no value for life, it intimidates us. I have been trying really hard regardless of the type of person i speak with, to give all individuals the same esteem and respect this year. Its difficult, but I'm so amazed at how it turns out and how my attitude changes with every homeless or misfortuned person i run into. There stories would amaze you.

I am betting that the majority of you who read this post at the beginning felt very bad for warren, thinking he was just some average guy. But when i mentioned he was a native, homeless, drunk man your opinions changed slightly. Really think about that? is that normal, should we be the ones to judge? Really think about that the next time you turn a blind eye, or ear to someone in need. I know i will. 

Until next time..

Jenny 

Day 472 - Sweet Nothing

I still feel it, when I close my eyes. The way his touch feels on my skin, the way his smell engulfed my senses when he held me.. just  like that.. He was a mix of grape cigarillos, pine, fresh air and old spice.. to me, an intoxicating mix. Sometimes (most times)  when I'm lying alone, I still picture his arm around my waist, the look of his hands, the hair on his arms, the freckles on his wrist.. and for a minute, just one, I believe he is actually there, I feel safe, as only he could provide this comfort..

But the reality is, my comfort is gone, what has replaced this is the unknown, the great big unknown , I am here. .. But, he is not.

Its days like this, when my moments are not filled up, where my time is free and I haven't managed like i try too, to occupy every second.. heaven forbid i ever stop to breath, for when i do , i am open to  lurking emotions that don't ever really go away. This is when he creeps in, this is when i allow it to take over. I have this deep rooted aching inside of me, its an aching that only he can understand and only i can know. Its an aching developed through a bond that should have been stronger than all of the years of life and the weathering of time.. but it wasn't.

So it aches... so painfully at times and there is a hallow in me now.. No number of men, dates, yoga classes, gym sessions, good books or adventures away have managed to fill or subdue this. Sometimes I hate him for this feeling, other times i love him for allowing me to feel such deep love for another.. even when it was not returned. The absence of him re organizes my entire existence.. as I had imagined only an existence with him. Even now, my mind drifts there often, and for a moment I feel so utterly disappointed.

Have I moved on, yes... But do we ever forget the ones who leave without a reason, without an understanding, when we knew so deep inside of ourselves that this was right.. for us, but not for them.

I question the purpose of why we had to meet. Why i had to spend countless years missing him, travelling to him, leaving him, ultimatums, lost lives, love, days, minutes.. for what.. One argument, and no call back, no answer.. and as soon as he came, infected me with his brilliance, he left..  The leaving indicated he felt i deserved better.. he would never use the word brilliance to describe himself.. simple, humble, hard working.. not brilliant.. but he was. I just hope one day the aching will stop, and I can fill the aching with a different kind of desire.. one less blinded by love and loss.

So I find myself, starting a new.. and I'm living on such sweet nothing (You know this tune).  I have put my faith, into something unknown.. and I'm living on such sweet nothing. Such sweet, sweet, nothing....

I look at my ego a lot in this deep aching. Do i only miss him, because he didn't want me? Is it the desire to conquer and to win, not the actual outcome of the win?... I'm certain this must have something to do with it. When someone leaves you, and you aren't doing the leaving.. I think it isn't easy to let it go. My journey to day 500, is to let this ego go. This ego that has me wanting and urning for loves lost and days passed.. its the ego in all of us that is the cause of missed opportunity, wasted moments and countless heartache...

So here I am , rocking out to Florence.. and IM LIVING ON SUCH SWEET NOTHING... and its sweet, because its mine.. and i will turn this sweet nothing into an amazing something... but for now.. I close my eyes, and there he is.. Fuck.


Until next time...

Jenny

Day 481 - The humanity of it all

Today like any other day off has been filled with Wonderful coffee dates with friends (I'm almost on date number three with one of my favourite ladies), the coffee levels are at a all time high and the amount of Energy coursing through my veins can be compared to that of an alcoholic hitting back to back open Bars events during Christmas season... I'm running on full and I'm about to crash, but i just can't stop because it tastes soooooo Goood!

So as I'm dropping off friend Number two to briefly meet friend number 3 before a meeting with my accountant (You say busy day, I say lets plan every minute and make it count! I am trying my best to re connect with my friends and sometimes its hard, so I just say to hell with it and jam pack a day hour to hour and breath in a wealth of life from all that is out there in the friendship world.. I love my friends and there stories and this form of jam packed "Catching up" further inspires me to live, love and laugh)

So as I was saying (breathe, too much coffee).. I was driving with my friend rocking out to the new tunes i had recently acquired on my IPOD when I offered up the choice for the guy to change it to some other artist. I should pre cursor this by telling you this is a very well mannered, kinds, soft spoken man.. so, He starts wheeling through the songs, unsure of his choice hoping to pick a good one and what comes blasting through the speakers Blood hound gangs "Balls Out".. haha The look on his face as the words came through the speakers was priceless.. It reminded me of several times in my life when a guy is trying to be suppppperr smooth, well and the result is less than smooth and more like out right... AWESOME.

I thought for a good laugh, an understanding that we are ALL only human, and we all have stupid shit happen to us on the regular, we could look back and reflect and enjoy the fact that no one is perfect.

This fun packed life rewind will start with a time that i was invited to fly out West to meet a guy i had been dating in secret.. (why date in secret you ask.. well that's a whole other blog post.. but to sum it up in one sentence, this guy was in the "TV" business and had to pretend to be in a relationship with his ex when really he lived in a loft on the other side of town.. that should of been sign number 1 that he was no good... secret relationships.. those days are DONE)... ok back on track. So here i am , in this beautiful city , infatuated with this lovely man.. He gets an idea to go for a wonderful stroll in a park near the ocean. I am basking in the sun , loving life, feeling blessed.. than all of a sudden he picks up pace and starts walking off the path.. He is forcing a smile , I can tell something is wrong, but not sure what. He keeps the convo going,walking briskly zig zagging all over the damn place.. i notice the beads of sweat forming on his face as he is bee lining it for the road.. That's when it hits him.. and me. As he bend over in agony , it was in that moment i realized, this poor man just shit his pants.... You know, its moments like this that I like to put myself in the other persons shoes. I tried my best to act like i didn't notice and played it as cool as possible.. Funny thing, didn't stop me from liking the guy, if anything made it that much more comfortable..

Another beauty would be the time I was in Vancouver with a lovely man that i had recently just started hanging out with, i was headed there to accompany him to a work function at night. We hadn't got to a point where we were super "intimate" and were staying in a hotel together. So things got a little heated as you can imagine in between the event and the evening festivities, This man, bless his heart tried to lean in to undo my Bra and BAM... head butted me so hard i almost passed out. Then the lump formed.. this HUGE, Egg right above my eyebrow. HAHAHA I'm bursting laughing just writing this. Can you imagine the horror on the mans face when my eye started to swell up and I'm laughing hysterically. Not to mention within the hour we are suppose to be out with his coworkers partying.. Frig!

My personal favourite would be recently on a trip where a man was trying to Whooo me... we are in passionate embrace, clothes are flying (boy I sound a bit like a hussy here.. I'm not.. honestly), we are both highly under the influence of far to many glasses of Vino,  this guy has his pants around his ankles *get your mind out of the gutter* and is leaning forward to kiss me, i notice he starts to sway slightly, I'm not sure if it was the wine, the fact his pants were like skinny jeans and were stuck around his legs or a combination of the both, but he proceeds to fall ass backwards with some serious force, lands on a table (breaks it), lamp goes flying and he is staring up at me in bewilderment and I am just in shock, and LAUGHING my friggen ass off. This is romance people.. these are the moments that make me realize at the best of times that it doesn't get any more Human than this. I have grown to love the perfect imperfections of people. If they didn't exist, if moments like this didn't happen, i think i would fear that its too perfect and too fake. I need moments like this to fall for a guy. I actually Require them..haha

Of course Men aren't the only culprits here. I have had my fair share of embarrassing moments in a relationship as do all of us. I would say that its how we come back from these moments that makes or breaks the situation, its also how we react to them that can matter most. I love to think back on stuff like this because it gives me a good laugh. Its always the moments where we think someone is so called "perfect" that life opens up opportunities like the above to show that "perfect" does not exist, only real does. One thing i know for sure, I Love real  : )

So, Feel free to comment on this post and SHARE your funny experiences if you would like. I would love to hear them, as I'm sure would the rest of my my blog readers.

Until next time....

Jenny

Day 483 - San Valentino

Well, i haven't posted in a while.. mostly because lately my life has been a whirl wind of change and I haven't had a chance. In the last two weeks I have left one of my steady jobs with a good client to try and build up my business and move in the direction I had originally intended(Big exhale as I try not to panic). Mix that with making a new (BFF) recently that has me on great adventures like actually enjoying my weekends to hit the slopes boarding, add training for Competition season where I now work out a hefty 6 days a week 2 hours a day... well you can only imagine. (ok i sound like I'm complaining.. sorry) But I am happy to be back at  it, writing on the ol'blog.

So, I have somewhat successfully made it now 40 whole days date free. haha. Sounds like not very much when I look at it like that.. but it really is. I can't say I have fully behaved the entire 40 days (Common we single ladies/men all have a little black book.. and if we don't we surely haven't been living life to its fullest)  , but hey.. I'm only human. Its hard sometimes when your lonely, and the little black book is like online shopping with 24 hours delivery service.. haha wow..  Either way I am still happily relationship free and feeling better than ever!

So, as you can tell by the title of this blog, i wanted to reflect a little on the most wonderful day for those in relationships, and potentially the most dreaded for those who are not... Valentines. Ah, lovely little red holiday. I can't say I hated it this year or any year really.. i try my hardest not to celebrate it to be honest. But still. there was that little part of me that felt the slight twinge of disappointment as the day neared.

Im not sure why we need to have holidays like this... actually retract that, i do understand when I'm in a relationship why.. its a GREAT opportunity for the unromantic men in the world to throw the romance bliss our way.. But then its over, romance dead and life back to normal... how utterly depressing.

Below is a little snip it from Wikipedia on the true reason for Valentines

"St. Valentine's Day began as a liturgical celebration of one or more early Christian saints namedValentinus. The most popular martyrology associated with Saint Valentine was that he was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians, who were persecuted under the Roman Empire; during his imprisonment, he is said to have healed the daughter of his jailer Asterius. Legend states that before his execution he wrote her a letter "from your Valentine" as a farewell"

I am unsure why it hadn't dawned on me until now to google this. How romantic.. soldier marrying secretly, valentines farewell letters.. If only the world really operated this way.. oh wait, it does.

When my sister first met her husband I was in my late teens. I remember he use to tree plant away and would be gone several months at a time. To keep the flame alight he would actually hand write her REAL letters. I use to roll over with disgust at how corny i thought this gesture was. I mean, the man wrote her a letter, Every, SINGLE day that he was away from here for the 2 summers in a row he was gone. He was very old school, he courted her. Looking back on this i find it truly amazing that someone, even this man would do something so simple, yet so profound. (And we all sit and wonder why they have such a strong marriage now and the rest of us don't..) He declared his commitment to her every day, block by block solidifying the stones that would one day build the now Solid foundation they happily rest upon. 

I feel sometimes like Chivalry and simple romantic gestures such as the above, are being lost... lost to lack of time, lack of "quality time, lack of love, increased stress, and maybe a overall lack of trying in relationships. We have entered a day and age of what i like to call the "convenience" if its not easy, and its not convenient and it takes even small amounts of effort, we don't do it... This even applies to relationships.. and we wonder why divorce is so high.

I couldn't even imagine another human being writing me a hand written letter. E-mail is so readily available, text.. hell we barely even call people anymore. Imagine a real letter. A letter that identifies through the stroke of the pen, depth of the ink, twist of the words ones true feelings, ones words, once voice.. really, written words. The idea of holding the latter between my fingers, smelling it, breathing in its inky earthiness..(I am old at heart for sure ) The very idea sends tingles up  my arms.

I think this may be the only way i would consider dating someone (yet another crazy rule) after this 500 days is up. I want to be courted, and i want letters. I want someone who actually has something meaningful enough to say that they put the effort into written words, into walking to the mail box, into sending the letter and maybe just... getting a little excited that there could be a potential response. That's romantic.

So for anyone out there reading this, i implore you to give it a shot.. Write a letter to someone you care about, signed, sealed and delivered.  I think you would be amazed at what a simple gesture, like real, written words could do to someone you love, or someone who secretly loves you.

In keeping with the traditions of my previous blogs and my overall self discovery. I wrote a poem for Valentines. I wrote it for a special person... hopefully one day this poem will become that person when I'm ready and my cup will runnith over.

Rosso

I enjoy breathing you in, your full bodied aroma engulfing my senses

The excitement builds as I catch your scent, a perfume of a deep and bold nature.

Your smoothness sits lingering on my lips, even now, as I drink you in

An unexpected blend, you fell upon me, and I delicately and deliciously unwrapped you.

Your varietal is of a nature I have never known, dark and multi layered.

As you float over my being, my temperature rises , penetrating me to the core

With fierce expectation I come back to you, for I desire you, to the very last drop

I dare not tamper with nor change you, as you are a spirit, of which I will always want more.

Until next time...

Jenny

Day 495 - Thy will be done

So in the process of writing this blog I hadn't really thought people would read it. I'm shocked to actually see the amount of people (world wide) that are reading and responding to it. Its nice to think that we all have similar experiences no matter where we are in the world, and we are all suffering through trials and tribulations on somewhat of the same plane.
Recently i had someone write me relating to one of my posts when i was having an off night listening to that Bonnie Riatt song "i can't make you love me". Similar to my experiences, this person had found shelter, or sorrow in this same song when a lover walked away. 

Its so hard in life to love someone who turns to you one day and tells you they never loved you, and than they leave. this individual mentioned how it amazed them how much "physical pain" a heart can bear. I too think its amazing how much physical pain our hearts can bear. I find it interesting our abilities to feel such pain in retro spect usually over someone who does not deserve it, its even harder to love someone when they don't love you back. the funny thing about love though, is it truly should be unconditional. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love deeply tell you they just don't love you.. even harder yet to listen to it, and take a step forward, further away from that persons with every passing day, and that love you had thought was mutual but was not.

I feel like the only thing we can learn from situation like this, is that our love, and the giving of love is truly special and not to be thrown away to people who do no deserve it. Having our hearts break only allows us to build it stronger and more capable of loving greater, deeper and broader.I truly believe we go through different forms and stages of suffering for a reason. Generally its because we are at a point in our lives , we are comfortable, stagnant, whether you believe in god or not,  i am not sure but i believe when we experience suffering its because we are settling for a life, individual, path that is not what was intended for us, and we are loosing sight of what is really important for us as an individual and what we are meant to achieve.

so i hope for this individual, as myself, since walking away from that unreciprocated love you are working towards your full potential as an individual and building your hearts up to love with fierce greatness in the future! 

I recently read a book by Paulo Coelho " The Fifth Mountain" ,Below is a insert to me that spoke volumes around this subject. He can speak to the soul far better than I can : 

" Every human being at some time had tragedy enter his life ; it might be the destruction of a city, the death of a son, an unproved accusation, a sickness that left one lame forever , (a lost love). At that moment, God challenged one to confront Him and to answer His question : "Why dost thou cling fast to an existence so short and so filled with suffering? what is the meaning of thy struggle ? "

The man who did not know how to answer this question would  resign himself, while another, one who sought a meaning to existence, feeling that God had been unjust, would challenge his own destiny. It was at this moment that fire of a different type descended from the heavens - not the fire that kills but the kind that tears down ancient walls and imparts to each human being his true possibilities. 

Cowards never allow their hearts to blaze with this fire ; all they desire is for the changed situation to quickly return to what it was before, so they can go on living their lives and thinking in their customary way. The BRAVE, however, set afire that which was old and, even at the cost of great internal suffering, abandon everything, including God (at times), and continue onward.


"The brave are always stubborn"


From heaven, God smiles contentedly, for it was this that HE desired, that each person take into his hands the responsibility for his own life. For, in the final analysis, He had given His children the greatest of all gifts; the capacity to choose and determine their acts. 

Only those men and women with the sacred flame in their hearts had the courage to confront HIM.  and they alone knew the path back to His love, for they understood the that tragedy was not punishment, but challenge. "

 To me, nothing could me more true. There is no greater injustice in life than to live an existence that does not challenge the mind, heart and spirit to grow towards something greater than ones own self. We are meant to live, not just sustain. 

I leave with you my favourite poem. I did not write it, but it clings to my heart :

INVICTUS


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."



Until next time...Jenny  
  

Day 498 - I am not your rolling Wheel

Its funny how you can listen to a song, read a poem , a saying, anything and its a complete foreshadow of whats to come in the day, week, month..

This, for me was yesterday. Audio Slave " I am the Highway"

I am so disappointed in myself. This was what ran through my mind as the tears welled up in my eyes (seems like i cry a lot lately. But do not mistake these tears for sadness, it was utter anger). This is what i thought over and over as the storm grew. I watched my self fall into this train wreck knowingly. That's what happens when you don't use your judgement. That's what happens when you let the "idea" of something sweep over you, you let old feelings of love take over the feelings of hurt and you ignore that voice in side of you yelling NO, DON'T ANSWER IT , you watch that voice say NO, DON'T SAY YES, you watch that voice inside of you say NO,DO NOT GET EXCITED.. because it knows. It sees the signs and it has witnessed the end result before it happens, the big , stupid, completely avoidable wreck. What train wreck you ask?

Well you know a few blogs back, when I mentioned the ex that had called to let me know he was moving to Calgary... The same one that left me high and dry after we were "house shopping". Changed his mind at the last minute. This one, well this was one of the ones i truly had seen myself settling down with. Not compromising even. I really did love him, I just unfortunately did not fit into his picture. This is completely fine. We are only human and should do whats best for us. I think its the tact a person uses that matters most, not why they are doing the leaving. This man, with me, lacked Tact (sorry).

Well, back to the point. This same individual that I told not to call me when he moved here, because i could not be his friend. I even went as far as reminding him "why would i want to be friends with someone that used me , lied to me, than left me.. who wants that?" . Well this lovely man, god bless his heart thought it wise to ignore my request and there i am , sitting at work, happy, minding my own business and my phone rings. I see the caller ID. I have a war with my inner self as to whether i answer or not. .. She has me in a vice grip, I'm struggling, i see the phone ringing, I'm reaching out with all my might and i flip my inner self, pile drive her into the ground like a crazy lady on black Friday at Macy's and grab the phone.. why? Because I am straight stupid, a sucker for punishment, or... human.

Either way the phone call leads to another internal battle. To meet for a drink, or to not meet for a drink.. I mean we all know this is a horrible idea, but i convince myself, whats the harm.. in just one... drink...RIGHT.

 Hell i knew it was a horrible idea. Whats worse is i thought that the call , the persistence meant this man still loved me. I had it in my head that all i had to do was look extra sexy (you know, the hell yes i look this good and you left this why? sort of thing.. silly). Well i figured if i could look good enough, be fun and funny enough and interesting enough over drinks, maybe he would miss me. I even went as far to think that to hell with the 500 days, maybe this man will get back with me, we will fall back in love and have all the babies i don't even want right now... WHAT THE F^%$ WAS I THINKING?

So  , this is when it all unravels. .. as it always does when we go against our inner spirits guidance. Here i am, having a drink across from this beautiful, tall, manly, blue eyed , wonderful.. ill stop there.. Man. (He is number 1 from my list of men i should not date, of course) I am laughing, we are talking like old times, all of those old, wonderful feelings come rushing back.. I forget of course all of the tragedy and hurt. I actually start feeling like maybe he is looking at me like he still loves me, maybe he will ask me to go home with him (hahahah ... right..). Then, for reasons unknown to myself, i get this feeling to ask. Why the hell i ask this, i don't know, but i do. "Are you seeing someone". Well, what do you think?

This guy proceeds to go into some detail as to the new girl he is seeing and how its good and this and that.. this is where the tears start. I am so disappointed in myself. what i don't understand, is what kind of person does this?

What kind of man, or women for that matter in the world thinks A) calling up an ex to just be buddies after leaving them in a horrible way is right, B) Dating someone but taking an ex out for drinks is ok? C) Mixing these two and talking to an ex about your amazing new girlfriend? WTF?!!

So, needless to say I was taken back by this. I was not in tears because i was sad, i was in tears because i was mad. Also because i should of expected this. This is typical behaviour for this person. To think i actually almost thought to give up 500 days of awesomeness for 50 mins (probably 15) of ... MEH. because that's what it would of been in the end.

The worst part is when you confront this type of person with a "why the hell did you call me, invite me out, and make me feel this way when you have a girlfriend? why the heck would you call me when i asked you not to and made it clear i don't want to be your friend.. do you not remember, you LEFT"

and there response.. " I dunno, i never really thought of it that way".. Ah, that's just the point. 

To me, this is the problem. All to often we do not think of other people when we make decisions. we are all culprits of this. We make the decision based on our feelings or wants, vs. how it may affect other people. This is something i try very hard not to do.

Anyways. I am disappointed that i ever let this person have power over me and my life and my heart. I think we all know what its like to allow someone power over us. To manipulate our wants, even our thoughts and actions. Sometimes when it comes to Love or the Idea of it, we act irrationally, we make decisions that we know are wrong. Its like we loose all sense of right or wrong.

I will NOT be making this mistake again. 498 days and counting. Learning every day as i go. Im thankful for this experience because if anything, it just has reaffirmed to me that i am doing the right thing in my quest.

I AM NOT YOUR ROLLING WHEEL... I AM THE HIGHWAY!!  ( never forget it)

Until next time..

Jenny

Day 500- stuck on repeat

I know i have already posted today.. but sometimes i just have to let it out. This is my journal , this is my therapy, and its for me.. so why am i apologizing anyways? 


I here the song end , and i hit repeat.. again, and again and again. Maybe i like to torcher myself, I'm not sure. I have flash backs to my childhood, the first time my dad left. My mom crying. Its difficult you know. We relate songs, smells, pictures to moments we want to forget, than we see those triggers and get pulled into them, like a fierce undertow.

And so she sings....  " I can't make you love me , if you won't. I can't make your heart feel, something it won't" and i play it again, on repeat. I play it as he packs and leaves (My dad). I play it on repeat.. which i can only imagine, now, that I'm older.. how hard that must of been for her. This i feel ever sorry for. Then, i play it again when i drive away from my husband, my slave lake lover, my Saskatchewan bad boy... Maybe thats where it all starts. Our view on relationships, life, love... But for me it started with her , Bonnie Raitt.. on repeat.


I sat after writing my last blog listening to this over and over. Im not sure why, i came across it on youtube. Maybe it has been all the self realization and blogging about my past relationships and failures, but Almost like drugs the song, it wafts over me, consumes me, the song swallows me whole. It takes me from a good mood, a happy day , into this dark, lonely, sad place. It brings back the root of my doubt in marriage, men, love... I mean, we don't develop our "Ideals" or " Expectations" on love from thin air. We are moulded into this. Through our parents, our early age life experiences. I always wonder, maybe had he not left that first time, or maybe the second even.. maybe had he thought she, (we) were worth fighting for.. working on, maybe had things been different, maybe had i not been such a young, impressionable women at the time, would i be different, would i have tried harder..

Hell, would i still be married? (good god i hope not.. no offence scott) this song needs to be turned off, I'm talking nonsense. still married.. could i even imagine... thats just it, sometimes i do. It wasn't all bad... .


But i don't dwell on that.. I try not to bring the past into my present decisions. But one can't help but wonder.

I have spent my life believing i can overcome most things in life. I have had my fair share of tragedies, heart aches, losses, change.. I always try to learn from it.. step forward, try harder, be wiser and not repeat my mistakes.

But like Bonnie Raitt, i am stuck on repeat with some things, at least until recently.

I know my blogs have been talking a lot about relationships lately, or my problems. But thats the point. You need to address the issues before you can move past them. I just choose to do it in a very open, out there sort of way. If you knew me, you wouldn't expect anything less..


And she keeps singing to me , her tragic lullaby.. the theme song to my teenage years, my early twenties, and hopefully not my early 30's.

I should note here, my folks are not divorced and are back together and happily married. figured that should be mentioned, sometimes it just takes people 2,4,6 times to break up before they figure it out. My folks really took the old saying "practice makes perfect" to heart ; ) god love them.

"Music lights the fire, before the mind can understand what the heart has already witnessed, the soul dancing, the fire building".

I know, every single person who reads this, will relate to the lyrics below. If you have loved, or lost that is..

Turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices, inside my head

Lay down with me,
tell me no lies
just hold me closely
dont patronize, dont patronize... me

cause i can't make you love me
if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
something that it won't

and here in the dark
in these finally hours
i will lay down my heart
and i will feel the power

but you won't..
no you won't.

cause i can't make you love me
when you don't
when you don't...

i close my eyes
cause than i won't see
the love you don't feel
when your holding me

morning will come
and ill do whats right
just give me till than
to give up this fight

and i will give up this fight...

cause i can't make you love me
if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
something that it won't

and here in the dark
in these final hours
i will lay down my heart
and i will feel that power

but you won't..
no you won't..

cause i can't make you love me..
when you don't.
when you don't....

Bonnie Raitt.


Until next time..

Jenny

Day 500- Peeling the onion part 2 - Where i went wrong..

I was sitting at work today listening to some really heavy Grace Potter and the nocturnals music when i suddenly had a flash back into many of my prior relationships. After writing the post yesterday it really got me thinking about where i go wrong in the relationship...what is that moment, where it goes wrong, for me?

You all know that moment, when you have known for months that its not working, emotionally you have checked out. Hell you have fanasized about the right moment to end things.. This man(or women) is just not your forever partner. The very presence of them at times irritates you and or hurts you because either your too mean, or they are; Or your two distant, or they are. Then, you come home one day, or recieve a text(those are my favourite) that its not "working out". This should be a moment of happiness for you, release, the ability to move on.. But instead, you find yourself hysterically crying for this person (the person you havent wanted for months) and you even take it one step further and your BEGGING them to not leave you, and conviencing them, throwing out every reason your mind can conjour up as to why you are right for them, and why it can change... That, my dear friends.. is the Moment i have pinpointed where i  go wrong in the relationship....

Thats me, down there on the floor, couch, over the phone, in bed crying... Feeling utterly lost, alone and at odds with "how" how could it of possibly went this way. It was Perfect. The months of fighting, heartache, distance, lack of romance, disgust, insacurities and overall in abilities to like the partner i am with. WHERE IN THE WORLD DID IT GO WRONG? Right.... hahah pathetic right.

Now this scenario only applies to part of the time. Me, that girl wading through mile long piles of tissue has a fear of failure. I would rather date a guy i don't like  (This is man 1-4 in my peeling the onion part 1) for months, hell even Years after its just not right because i don't want to be that girl that never tried enough to fix what was wrong. I of course, blame this on the fact that after my divorce i felt like maybe i could have tried harder and didn't.. so i promised myself at that moment, 7 years ago, to never give up so easy again. To a fault based on the above pre mentioned scenario. I have even had one therapist goes as far as saying i suffer from Co-Dependancy. Like i actually am crazy enough to think these poor schmucks depend on me for happiness... right, thats precisely why I'm the one crying on the couch. ha!

The funny thing about this whole crying, poor me act that i put on for god knows what reason, is that half the time I'm watching it happen like a horrible train wreck in complete and utter shock that I'm doing it.

Whats worse, is when its the men i should cry for... i don't. 

I have determined this hysterical crying crazy women is due two 2 primary things. One, as discussed prior, i hate failing at anything in life. Two, I just don't want to have to start over... Again. I mean, who does?

This leads me to the other part of my.. the moment it goes wrong scenario. The second part of this is the "no cry jenny" side. I have this horrible thing i do when i really actually love and care about someone or something, and things are coming to an end and they are breaking down in front of me... I'm like a stone cold steve austin...

I have most likely at this point cried so many nights in secret that i am all cried out, but its worse than that. I don't like the people i love seeing me weak and with my guard down. So when those relationships end, i tend to be somewhat cold and distant.  I get actually quiet pissed off (if its ending because of them). Because the thing i know well about myself, i am very Utilitarian in nature. i look at a relationship (this I'm sure is part of the problem) like an investment. I put a large down payment into these things as do all of us, i invest my emotions, my time, my heart, my love and i expect of course a return on this investment in some way, usually a successful relationship would be a good trade off.  Maybe... i should stop treating relationships like a business transaction.. maybe..

So when it all comes crumbling down, I'm left feeling like my investment was a flop and i can't get back those minutes, hours, days, weeks and years of time that was wasted on someone who knew months in, i was not right for them. But such is life.. The worst part of these endings is usually i am left being called cold, heartless, or my most recent and personal favourite "rotten to the core".

( I should note here, maybe when the guy said i owed him for a bill he paid for doggy daycare, i maybe shouldn't of responded " Perfect.. you can deduct that from the 5,000 you owe me for my dogs leg you broke and said you would pay for.. and didn't"... Story of my life.. literally, two boyfriends, two dogs, two busted legs, two 5,000 dollar bills.. .when the hell will i learn.. (to stop buying dogs haha)

If there is one thing i do know that maybe is part and partial to the cause of this dilemma.. I truly know that i don't NEED a man to be happy. I WANT a man to share my life with. The problem is, most people want to be Needed, not just WANTED. Thus, breeding all sorts of insecurities when they learn they aren't. The inevitable demise of my relationships all stem around insecurities and trust issues. Go figure..

This, leads me to a song by Beyonce "Why don't you love me" that I am putting out there for all of those men and women who know there worth. (This title also verbatim is something i have asked a man on more then one occasion crying my eyes out for no reason... oh man..) 500 days and feeling it!  Now download this song and shake your bootie because you know your awesome, just not awesome for everyone.. and THATS OK!!!



"Why Don't You Love Me?"

Now, now, now, honey
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now 
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune
Ooh.....

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB

Off to Italian Language class... lets not even get into why i am taking that... old habits die hard ; )

Until next time...

Jenny