I know i have already posted today.. but sometimes i just have to let it out. This is my journal , this is my therapy, and its for me.. so why am i apologizing anyways?
I here the song end , and i hit repeat.. again, and again and again. Maybe i like to torcher myself, I'm not sure. I have flash backs to my childhood, the first time my dad left. My mom crying. Its difficult you know. We relate songs, smells, pictures to moments we want to forget, than we see those triggers and get pulled into them, like a fierce undertow.
And so she sings.... " I can't make you love me , if you won't. I can't make your heart feel, something it won't" and i play it again, on repeat. I play it as he packs and leaves (My dad). I play it on repeat.. which i can only imagine, now, that I'm older.. how hard that must of been for her. This i feel ever sorry for. Then, i play it again when i drive away from my husband, my slave lake lover, my Saskatchewan bad boy... Maybe thats where it all starts. Our view on relationships, life, love... But for me it started with her , Bonnie Raitt.. on repeat.
I sat after writing my last blog listening to this over and over. Im not sure why, i came across it on youtube. Maybe it has been all the self realization and blogging about my past relationships and failures, but Almost like drugs the song, it wafts over me, consumes me, the song swallows me whole. It takes me from a good mood, a happy day , into this dark, lonely, sad place. It brings back the root of my doubt in marriage, men, love... I mean, we don't develop our "Ideals" or " Expectations" on love from thin air. We are moulded into this. Through our parents, our early age life experiences. I always wonder, maybe had he not left that first time, or maybe the second even.. maybe had he thought she, (we) were worth fighting for.. working on, maybe had things been different, maybe had i not been such a young, impressionable women at the time, would i be different, would i have tried harder..
Hell, would i still be married? (good god i hope not.. no offence scott) this song needs to be turned off, I'm talking nonsense. still married.. could i even imagine... thats just it, sometimes i do. It wasn't all bad... .
But i don't dwell on that.. I try not to bring the past into my present decisions. But one can't help but wonder.
I have spent my life believing i can overcome most things in life. I have had my fair share of tragedies, heart aches, losses, change.. I always try to learn from it.. step forward, try harder, be wiser and not repeat my mistakes.
But like Bonnie Raitt, i am stuck on repeat with some things, at least until recently.
I know my blogs have been talking a lot about relationships lately, or my problems. But thats the point. You need to address the issues before you can move past them. I just choose to do it in a very open, out there sort of way. If you knew me, you wouldn't expect anything less..
And she keeps singing to me , her tragic lullaby.. the theme song to my teenage years, my early twenties, and hopefully not my early 30's.
I should note here, my folks are not divorced and are back together and happily married. figured that should be mentioned, sometimes it just takes people 2,4,6 times to break up before they figure it out. My folks really took the old saying "practice makes perfect" to heart ; ) god love them.
"Music lights the fire, before the mind can understand what the heart has already witnessed, the soul dancing, the fire building".
I know, every single person who reads this, will relate to the lyrics below. If you have loved, or lost that is..
Turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices, inside my head
Lay down with me,
tell me no lies
just hold me closely
dont patronize, dont patronize... me
cause i can't make you love me
if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
something that it won't
and here in the dark
in these finally hours
i will lay down my heart
and i will feel the power
but you won't..
no you won't.
cause i can't make you love me
when you don't
when you don't...
i close my eyes
cause than i won't see
the love you don't feel
when your holding me
morning will come
and ill do whats right
just give me till than
to give up this fight
and i will give up this fight...
cause i can't make you love me
if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
something that it won't
and here in the dark
in these final hours
i will lay down my heart
and i will feel that power
but you won't..
no you won't..
cause i can't make you love me..
when you don't.
when you don't....
Bonnie Raitt.
Until next time..
Jenny
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Day 500- Peeling the onion part 2 - Where i went wrong..
I was sitting at work today listening to some really heavy Grace Potter and the nocturnals music when i suddenly had a flash back into many of my prior relationships. After writing the post yesterday it really got me thinking about where i go wrong in the relationship...what is that moment, where it goes wrong, for me?
You all know that moment, when you have known for months that its not working, emotionally you have checked out. Hell you have fanasized about the right moment to end things.. This man(or women) is just not your forever partner. The very presence of them at times irritates you and or hurts you because either your too mean, or they are; Or your two distant, or they are. Then, you come home one day, or recieve a text(those are my favourite) that its not "working out". This should be a moment of happiness for you, release, the ability to move on.. But instead, you find yourself hysterically crying for this person (the person you havent wanted for months) and you even take it one step further and your BEGGING them to not leave you, and conviencing them, throwing out every reason your mind can conjour up as to why you are right for them, and why it can change... That, my dear friends.. is the Moment i have pinpointed where i go wrong in the relationship....
Thats me, down there on the floor, couch, over the phone, in bed crying... Feeling utterly lost, alone and at odds with "how" how could it of possibly went this way. It was Perfect. The months of fighting, heartache, distance, lack of romance, disgust, insacurities and overall in abilities to like the partner i am with. WHERE IN THE WORLD DID IT GO WRONG? Right.... hahah pathetic right.
Now this scenario only applies to part of the time. Me, that girl wading through mile long piles of tissue has a fear of failure. I would rather date a guy i don't like (This is man 1-4 in my peeling the onion part 1) for months, hell even Years after its just not right because i don't want to be that girl that never tried enough to fix what was wrong. I of course, blame this on the fact that after my divorce i felt like maybe i could have tried harder and didn't.. so i promised myself at that moment, 7 years ago, to never give up so easy again. To a fault based on the above pre mentioned scenario. I have even had one therapist goes as far as saying i suffer from Co-Dependancy. Like i actually am crazy enough to think these poor schmucks depend on me for happiness... right, thats precisely why I'm the one crying on the couch. ha!
The funny thing about this whole crying, poor me act that i put on for god knows what reason, is that half the time I'm watching it happen like a horrible train wreck in complete and utter shock that I'm doing it.
Whats worse, is when its the men i should cry for... i don't.
I have determined this hysterical crying crazy women is due two 2 primary things. One, as discussed prior, i hate failing at anything in life. Two, I just don't want to have to start over... Again. I mean, who does?
This leads me to the other part of my.. the moment it goes wrong scenario. The second part of this is the "no cry jenny" side. I have this horrible thing i do when i really actually love and care about someone or something, and things are coming to an end and they are breaking down in front of me... I'm like a stone cold steve austin...
I have most likely at this point cried so many nights in secret that i am all cried out, but its worse than that. I don't like the people i love seeing me weak and with my guard down. So when those relationships end, i tend to be somewhat cold and distant. I get actually quiet pissed off (if its ending because of them). Because the thing i know well about myself, i am very Utilitarian in nature. i look at a relationship (this I'm sure is part of the problem) like an investment. I put a large down payment into these things as do all of us, i invest my emotions, my time, my heart, my love and i expect of course a return on this investment in some way, usually a successful relationship would be a good trade off. Maybe... i should stop treating relationships like a business transaction.. maybe..
So when it all comes crumbling down, I'm left feeling like my investment was a flop and i can't get back those minutes, hours, days, weeks and years of time that was wasted on someone who knew months in, i was not right for them. But such is life.. The worst part of these endings is usually i am left being called cold, heartless, or my most recent and personal favourite "rotten to the core".
( I should note here, maybe when the guy said i owed him for a bill he paid for doggy daycare, i maybe shouldn't of responded " Perfect.. you can deduct that from the 5,000 you owe me for my dogs leg you broke and said you would pay for.. and didn't"... Story of my life.. literally, two boyfriends, two dogs, two busted legs, two 5,000 dollar bills.. .when the hell will i learn.. (to stop buying dogs haha)
If there is one thing i do know that maybe is part and partial to the cause of this dilemma.. I truly know that i don't NEED a man to be happy. I WANT a man to share my life with. The problem is, most people want to be Needed, not just WANTED. Thus, breeding all sorts of insecurities when they learn they aren't. The inevitable demise of my relationships all stem around insecurities and trust issues. Go figure..
This, leads me to a song by Beyonce "Why don't you love me" that I am putting out there for all of those men and women who know there worth. (This title also verbatim is something i have asked a man on more then one occasion crying my eyes out for no reason... oh man..) 500 days and feeling it! Now download this song and shake your bootie because you know your awesome, just not awesome for everyone.. and THATS OK!!!
"Why Don't You Love Me?"
Off to Italian Language class... lets not even get into why i am taking that... old habits die hard ; )
Until next time...
Jenny
You all know that moment, when you have known for months that its not working, emotionally you have checked out. Hell you have fanasized about the right moment to end things.. This man(or women) is just not your forever partner. The very presence of them at times irritates you and or hurts you because either your too mean, or they are; Or your two distant, or they are. Then, you come home one day, or recieve a text(those are my favourite) that its not "working out". This should be a moment of happiness for you, release, the ability to move on.. But instead, you find yourself hysterically crying for this person (the person you havent wanted for months) and you even take it one step further and your BEGGING them to not leave you, and conviencing them, throwing out every reason your mind can conjour up as to why you are right for them, and why it can change... That, my dear friends.. is the Moment i have pinpointed where i go wrong in the relationship....
Thats me, down there on the floor, couch, over the phone, in bed crying... Feeling utterly lost, alone and at odds with "how" how could it of possibly went this way. It was Perfect. The months of fighting, heartache, distance, lack of romance, disgust, insacurities and overall in abilities to like the partner i am with. WHERE IN THE WORLD DID IT GO WRONG? Right.... hahah pathetic right.
Now this scenario only applies to part of the time. Me, that girl wading through mile long piles of tissue has a fear of failure. I would rather date a guy i don't like (This is man 1-4 in my peeling the onion part 1) for months, hell even Years after its just not right because i don't want to be that girl that never tried enough to fix what was wrong. I of course, blame this on the fact that after my divorce i felt like maybe i could have tried harder and didn't.. so i promised myself at that moment, 7 years ago, to never give up so easy again. To a fault based on the above pre mentioned scenario. I have even had one therapist goes as far as saying i suffer from Co-Dependancy. Like i actually am crazy enough to think these poor schmucks depend on me for happiness... right, thats precisely why I'm the one crying on the couch. ha!
The funny thing about this whole crying, poor me act that i put on for god knows what reason, is that half the time I'm watching it happen like a horrible train wreck in complete and utter shock that I'm doing it.
Whats worse, is when its the men i should cry for... i don't.
I have determined this hysterical crying crazy women is due two 2 primary things. One, as discussed prior, i hate failing at anything in life. Two, I just don't want to have to start over... Again. I mean, who does?
This leads me to the other part of my.. the moment it goes wrong scenario. The second part of this is the "no cry jenny" side. I have this horrible thing i do when i really actually love and care about someone or something, and things are coming to an end and they are breaking down in front of me... I'm like a stone cold steve austin...
I have most likely at this point cried so many nights in secret that i am all cried out, but its worse than that. I don't like the people i love seeing me weak and with my guard down. So when those relationships end, i tend to be somewhat cold and distant. I get actually quiet pissed off (if its ending because of them). Because the thing i know well about myself, i am very Utilitarian in nature. i look at a relationship (this I'm sure is part of the problem) like an investment. I put a large down payment into these things as do all of us, i invest my emotions, my time, my heart, my love and i expect of course a return on this investment in some way, usually a successful relationship would be a good trade off. Maybe... i should stop treating relationships like a business transaction.. maybe..
So when it all comes crumbling down, I'm left feeling like my investment was a flop and i can't get back those minutes, hours, days, weeks and years of time that was wasted on someone who knew months in, i was not right for them. But such is life.. The worst part of these endings is usually i am left being called cold, heartless, or my most recent and personal favourite "rotten to the core".
( I should note here, maybe when the guy said i owed him for a bill he paid for doggy daycare, i maybe shouldn't of responded " Perfect.. you can deduct that from the 5,000 you owe me for my dogs leg you broke and said you would pay for.. and didn't"... Story of my life.. literally, two boyfriends, two dogs, two busted legs, two 5,000 dollar bills.. .when the hell will i learn.. (to stop buying dogs haha)
If there is one thing i do know that maybe is part and partial to the cause of this dilemma.. I truly know that i don't NEED a man to be happy. I WANT a man to share my life with. The problem is, most people want to be Needed, not just WANTED. Thus, breeding all sorts of insecurities when they learn they aren't. The inevitable demise of my relationships all stem around insecurities and trust issues. Go figure..
This, leads me to a song by Beyonce "Why don't you love me" that I am putting out there for all of those men and women who know there worth. (This title also verbatim is something i have asked a man on more then one occasion crying my eyes out for no reason... oh man..) 500 days and feeling it! Now download this song and shake your bootie because you know your awesome, just not awesome for everyone.. and THATS OK!!!
"Why Don't You Love Me?"
Now, now, now, honey
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?
Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?
I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that
Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?
I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune
Ooh.....
Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?
There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?
Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?
I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that
Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?
I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune
Ooh.....
Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?
There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB
Off to Italian Language class... lets not even get into why i am taking that... old habits die hard ; )
Until next time...
Jenny
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Day 501 - Peeling the onion and shedding the Stigma - Part 1
I feel like life has gotten the best of me lately. As with all things when you get back to "Life" it tends to consume you. All of the new revelations, goals, desires, dreams and intents that you create fall to the way side and Jobs, Dogs, cleaning, working, studying, visiting and just living takes over. I have been lacking in the Blog writing department and the true intent of the purpose of this blog.. for me.
So back to basics.
Peeling the Onion - The many layers of me. Why am I this way? Why am I 28, divorced, single and now putting every effort possible into staying that way. Why did I use to despise my girlfriends when i would find out they were getting married, or having babies (Part 2 will look at this).. YAY another baby.. why has that changed?
This is Part 1 of the ol' Onion peel. I figure why not take a look at why my relationships fail. This focus of course will be on the men (a little on me maybe too).. we can look at me another day ;) always easier to place blame right.. Common you know I'm right...
I really got to thinking about this ever since that new Taylor Swift song came out "Trouble". You have got to give the girl props, she does know how to write a good tune. That song is like the story of my life when it comes to the men i choose to date. I'm not sure why, but i think it has a lot to do with my inner self putting up walls and saying "lets date semi unavailable men, broken men, or men that live too far away in places you will never live" that way, we dont get hurt. RIDICULOUS.
I typically tend to end up like some sad science experiment when it comes to dating. I run on what i call the "dating hamster wheel" i keep running on the same type of wheel and wondering why i am still stuck on the wheel, exhausted, thirsty, tired, yet still running after the shiny red apple that i cannot reach.
I figure its best explained by diving into the TYPICAL type of man that i date. I can sum it up into 4 very distinct categories. (This i know applies to many men i know in relation to women so just reverse if you are a man reading this)
1. The Bad Boy
2. The Distance Dude
3. The Ladies man
4. The Good Boy (I'm sure you know how that turns out)
Lets look a little deeper into these typical dating types.
The Bad Boy : We all know this guy, rough around the edges with a very scruffy sexiness to him. The I don't give a F@#4K Attitude. Free spirited, easily angered, easily distracted. Likes to fight, drink, party and can be very cold. Good from far, but far from good. I have managed to date this type of guy at least a handful of times. Its a wonder (Every time) when i sit there not understanding "why" he is punching walls, "why" is he so quiet like i did something wrong , the eat you up inside kind of eeriness , "why" doeshe talk down to me and yell at me, "why" do all of my girlfriends hate him.... HMMMM why? haha
The Distance Dude: This is my personal favourite. Literally ( If any of you knew my drawn out love affair with Slave lake dude you understand why). This is the guy that lives in a different city. It seems so amazing because i get all the space i want, and every time we see each other its like a romantic holiday.. right.. WRONG. for a time its like this. But then when you actually want a commitment, the NEXT step.. aaah i love that next step, you know, the one i never take with this type of man. There is Always some reason why i cannot move, or they cannot move. and so it goes on, and on and on. This is my personal favourite choice as it in all ways, shapes and forms stops the inevitable from happening. You know the thing i think i want, but apparently don't actually want based on my re accruing choices. Settling down. So distance man is a perfect fit. Or at least he was..
The Ladies Man- mmmmmmm i Loooove the ladies man. i mean, don't we all. He is so charming, sexy, talented at cooking, singing (usually), crooning, story telling, dancing, anything that will make you forget all of his laundry list of flaws.. including the women you just saw him kissing, because he is just soo... aaah. Its funny with this man. It almost becomes like a challenge, you see women hanging off of him, you see his mile wide ego and you think... i WILL make him mine (this applies for men to women as well of course). Your animalistic instinct kicks in. You are a lioness and you will make him your lion. You are straight Peacocking Saying things you wouldn't normally, trying things you wouldn't dare... just to make him yours.. And of course, you do... the disappointing part is when you get him back to your place and realize, what is all the fuss about? this guy is so consumed in himself that he doesn't even bother to take your shirt off. hahahah. That or he is so looser pissed by the end of the night he ends up falling over and making a complete fool of himself.. Casanova my ass. But by that point, like any good girl.. you don't want to feel like it was a one time thing.. so you actually manage to seal the deal and date this guy... WTF are you thinking? yes i ask my self this every time.. Its no wonder when you find out he was cheating on you a week into dating. go figure. (hey, you asked for it)
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The Good boy : There is not much to say about this guy. I mean he is perfect, nice, good values, decent looking, well educated, well mannered. He is loved by your parents, your friends, he spends countless hours telling you how amazing you are, how much he likes you, how he pictures your life together, he is everything you have been searching for.. PUKE. yes. Then as always, you get bored, irritated, the very sight of this man you spend weeks "loving" being with because you just ended a relationship with the complete dick the bad boy or the complete pervert the ladies man.. so this man is a god send.. until he is not. Poor man, he never knew what hit him.
Well, that about sums up my dating choices over the last 10 years. Its no wonder i am still single. The one thing i have to note, is what every single one of these men have in common, for me anyways. They are broken... They have some problem that i feel the need to fix.
Hell if you don't have a problem you mine as well turn around and walk away. This lady only likes guys that are Messed up. Guys that have crazy baby mommas (yes plural) , guys that have commitment issues, guys that are incapable of making decisions to save there lives, guys that have emotional baggage from there child hoods, guys with daddy issues, just ISSUES. i think i am mother Teresa of the dating world wanting to save all of these poor men, fix them, mold them into the Perfect boyfriend.
You can see that the problem is not the men... ITS ME. what a revelation. Hence the Road to 30..
The worst part is when you actually put all of your heart, emotion, time into them. You give up opportunities for the benefit of them, you move, you change jobs, you do just about anything because you HAVE to make it work.. you KNOW they will change. Then you wake up one day when its all ending and realize you were the one doing all of the changing and they were never meeting even 1/16th of the way. That's a problem. I think this is a very common problem for both men and women.
Why is divorce rate so high? Maybe because we keep settling for people that we know deep down are not right. We keep dating these Men or Women thinking we can change them, changing ourselves for them .Nothing ever truly changes when it is the depth of who you are, nor should it have too. So what happens... Well... I am a prime example. You wake up 1.5 years into a marriage and realize you have been pretending to be someone you are not (There, i said it out loud. Scott, I'm sorry) , you look over at the person lying next to you and realize this is not love, at least not the kind you had hoped for. Your life is basically a lie. That's what happens when you fall victim to the North American pandemic of the need to "settle" to be happy. Right.
This year, for me.. is a time for change. I have no expectations, i have no desire to date the men above. I just want to figure out what being happy Alone really means, before i will ever try and be happy with someone again. Because using men that are not right for you, to fill some void you haven't even understood why you have is just not right. . . So all you broken, bad ass, ladies men that live around the world.. Best of luck with your future women, because it is most certainly not me. haha not anymore anyways.
Back to that Taylor swift song...
"Once upon time
A few mistakes ago
I was in your sights
You got me alone
You found me
I guess you didn't care
And I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard
You took a step back
Without me
And he's long gone
When he's next to me
And I realize the blame is on me
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i'd never been
Now i'm lying on the cold hard ground"
Until next time...
Jenny
So back to basics.
Peeling the Onion - The many layers of me. Why am I this way? Why am I 28, divorced, single and now putting every effort possible into staying that way. Why did I use to despise my girlfriends when i would find out they were getting married, or having babies (Part 2 will look at this).. YAY another baby.. why has that changed?
This is Part 1 of the ol' Onion peel. I figure why not take a look at why my relationships fail. This focus of course will be on the men (a little on me maybe too).. we can look at me another day ;) always easier to place blame right.. Common you know I'm right...
I really got to thinking about this ever since that new Taylor Swift song came out "Trouble". You have got to give the girl props, she does know how to write a good tune. That song is like the story of my life when it comes to the men i choose to date. I'm not sure why, but i think it has a lot to do with my inner self putting up walls and saying "lets date semi unavailable men, broken men, or men that live too far away in places you will never live" that way, we dont get hurt. RIDICULOUS.
I typically tend to end up like some sad science experiment when it comes to dating. I run on what i call the "dating hamster wheel" i keep running on the same type of wheel and wondering why i am still stuck on the wheel, exhausted, thirsty, tired, yet still running after the shiny red apple that i cannot reach.
I figure its best explained by diving into the TYPICAL type of man that i date. I can sum it up into 4 very distinct categories. (This i know applies to many men i know in relation to women so just reverse if you are a man reading this)
1. The Bad Boy
2. The Distance Dude
3. The Ladies man
4. The Good Boy (I'm sure you know how that turns out)
Lets look a little deeper into these typical dating types.
The Bad Boy : We all know this guy, rough around the edges with a very scruffy sexiness to him. The I don't give a F@#4K Attitude. Free spirited, easily angered, easily distracted. Likes to fight, drink, party and can be very cold. Good from far, but far from good. I have managed to date this type of guy at least a handful of times. Its a wonder (Every time) when i sit there not understanding "why" he is punching walls, "why" is he so quiet like i did something wrong , the eat you up inside kind of eeriness , "why" doeshe talk down to me and yell at me, "why" do all of my girlfriends hate him.... HMMMM why? haha
The Distance Dude: This is my personal favourite. Literally ( If any of you knew my drawn out love affair with Slave lake dude you understand why). This is the guy that lives in a different city. It seems so amazing because i get all the space i want, and every time we see each other its like a romantic holiday.. right.. WRONG. for a time its like this. But then when you actually want a commitment, the NEXT step.. aaah i love that next step, you know, the one i never take with this type of man. There is Always some reason why i cannot move, or they cannot move. and so it goes on, and on and on. This is my personal favourite choice as it in all ways, shapes and forms stops the inevitable from happening. You know the thing i think i want, but apparently don't actually want based on my re accruing choices. Settling down. So distance man is a perfect fit. Or at least he was..
The Ladies Man- mmmmmmm i Loooove the ladies man. i mean, don't we all. He is so charming, sexy, talented at cooking, singing (usually), crooning, story telling, dancing, anything that will make you forget all of his laundry list of flaws.. including the women you just saw him kissing, because he is just soo... aaah. Its funny with this man. It almost becomes like a challenge, you see women hanging off of him, you see his mile wide ego and you think... i WILL make him mine (this applies for men to women as well of course). Your animalistic instinct kicks in. You are a lioness and you will make him your lion. You are straight Peacocking Saying things you wouldn't normally, trying things you wouldn't dare... just to make him yours.. And of course, you do... the disappointing part is when you get him back to your place and realize, what is all the fuss about? this guy is so consumed in himself that he doesn't even bother to take your shirt off. hahahah. That or he is so looser pissed by the end of the night he ends up falling over and making a complete fool of himself.. Casanova my ass. But by that point, like any good girl.. you don't want to feel like it was a one time thing.. so you actually manage to seal the deal and date this guy... WTF are you thinking? yes i ask my self this every time.. Its no wonder when you find out he was cheating on you a week into dating. go figure. (hey, you asked for it)
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The Good boy : There is not much to say about this guy. I mean he is perfect, nice, good values, decent looking, well educated, well mannered. He is loved by your parents, your friends, he spends countless hours telling you how amazing you are, how much he likes you, how he pictures your life together, he is everything you have been searching for.. PUKE. yes. Then as always, you get bored, irritated, the very sight of this man you spend weeks "loving" being with because you just ended a relationship with the complete dick the bad boy or the complete pervert the ladies man.. so this man is a god send.. until he is not. Poor man, he never knew what hit him.
Well, that about sums up my dating choices over the last 10 years. Its no wonder i am still single. The one thing i have to note, is what every single one of these men have in common, for me anyways. They are broken... They have some problem that i feel the need to fix.
Hell if you don't have a problem you mine as well turn around and walk away. This lady only likes guys that are Messed up. Guys that have crazy baby mommas (yes plural) , guys that have commitment issues, guys that are incapable of making decisions to save there lives, guys that have emotional baggage from there child hoods, guys with daddy issues, just ISSUES. i think i am mother Teresa of the dating world wanting to save all of these poor men, fix them, mold them into the Perfect boyfriend.
You can see that the problem is not the men... ITS ME. what a revelation. Hence the Road to 30..
The worst part is when you actually put all of your heart, emotion, time into them. You give up opportunities for the benefit of them, you move, you change jobs, you do just about anything because you HAVE to make it work.. you KNOW they will change. Then you wake up one day when its all ending and realize you were the one doing all of the changing and they were never meeting even 1/16th of the way. That's a problem. I think this is a very common problem for both men and women.
Why is divorce rate so high? Maybe because we keep settling for people that we know deep down are not right. We keep dating these Men or Women thinking we can change them, changing ourselves for them .Nothing ever truly changes when it is the depth of who you are, nor should it have too. So what happens... Well... I am a prime example. You wake up 1.5 years into a marriage and realize you have been pretending to be someone you are not (There, i said it out loud. Scott, I'm sorry) , you look over at the person lying next to you and realize this is not love, at least not the kind you had hoped for. Your life is basically a lie. That's what happens when you fall victim to the North American pandemic of the need to "settle" to be happy. Right.
This year, for me.. is a time for change. I have no expectations, i have no desire to date the men above. I just want to figure out what being happy Alone really means, before i will ever try and be happy with someone again. Because using men that are not right for you, to fill some void you haven't even understood why you have is just not right. . . So all you broken, bad ass, ladies men that live around the world.. Best of luck with your future women, because it is most certainly not me. haha not anymore anyways.
Back to that Taylor swift song...
"Once upon time
A few mistakes ago
I was in your sights
You got me alone
You found me
I guess you didn't care
And I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard
You took a step back
Without me
And he's long gone
When he's next to me
And I realize the blame is on me
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i'd never been
Now i'm lying on the cold hard ground"
Until next time...
Jenny
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Day 506 - Whispers to the Wind
"I left my heart in Beirut" She said.. I stared listening, these words whispering past my ears, so magical. You have to wonder, with her youthful beauty, her delicious italian accent, her perfectly shiny, gorgeous dark hair that falls just so.. how could someone in Beirut cause her to feel as though she had left her heart there? I didn't understand what she meant... That is, i didn't comprehend the ability for one place (not a person) to so deeply move you with such longing. not until Dec 18th did i understand this concept.
Standing atop the Andes, staring out at the miracle before me. The vastness of its presence that moves your very soul. It was that moment, the air crisp, legs tired, rain fading to a mist, that the Mountains lit up, the heavens opened and brought clarity to that very spot, and the wind whispered in my ear... that was the moment i understood. It radiated through the entirety of my being. That was when the thought approached me.
I left a part of my Being, my essence, my soul on that mountain in Peru.. i replaced that piece of me, with something much more profound. Words cannot even explain this.
Let me get back now to the start of my journey. Its been a few days ( a week) since i was able to blog. Since than, I have left Calgary, flown to Peru, Hiked Machu Picchu and arrived back home, alone.
A typical hike of the Incan Trail takes 4 days (this is the general tour you can get). Its 44km of mountain terrain that has about 15km of that a straight incline. The first day is roughly 10km of flatness with gradual incline, the 2nd day is straight uphill (not ramp like, but stone steps) for 8 km than down hill for another 3-4km. Day 3 is 16km of up hill and down hill, day 4 is 4 km and Machu Picchu. Easy right!
Ya, well would of been easy if my permit came in time. I get a call Monday after being in Cusco for 1 day and expecting to leave the following day Tuesday to hike until Friday. Well wouldn't you know it, My permit doesn't show up! the government is a day behind. So I am told.
This is when i receive what at the time seemed like the most disappointing news ever.. "Sorry lady, you cannot hike the Incan trail. Your options are the jungle trek or the 2 day Machu Picchu visit" Are you F&^$%#$ Kidding me! I just came all this way to PROVE to myself i could do this. To hike the WHOLE trail, no porter (person who carries your bags) and carry my 20lb backpack across the Andes myself!
I am not sure if it was just pure frustration, desperation or all of those years of using my Womenly Wilds to manipulate situations but being the oh so demanding women i am, i turned to this poor peruvian guide and said "Listen Buddy, i came here to hike this trial, i WILL hike this trail, and you will help me find a way to do it. I don't care if i have to hike the whole damn thing alone, i am doing it".. 100 US later (what can't money buy, right.. ugh) and i have my own personal guide and have committed to hiking day 1 & 2 above, alone, in 1 day to reach the group who left a day prior. FUN. EASY right? thats what i thought.
Well you can only imagine my surprise when 13 km into the Hike , i am less than half way up the Steepest incline, climbing to 4200 Meters and I'm at a fork in the road. Only one word can truly describe to me what this hike, 21km in one day felt like. SUFFERING. True Suffering. Pilgrimage style Suffering. My legs feel like led, I'm tired, my back hurts, the lack of sleep the night before (2 hours) and the elevation are getting to my brain and i just feel like i can't breath. No amount of puffs on my Inhaler is helping (yes asthma). Every 10 steps i have to stop and take a "break" and i keep turning to my sweet guide Juan Carlos saying "i am so so sorry, i am usually way better than this, i feel like I'm failing you" and he winces, noting his tiredness too as this poor man has only ever done this trek in 1 day, 3 times in his life. Juan always responds "Its ok Rosita (my mothers name) everyone struggles here, you are doing great, take your time, its ok lady, its ok".
Then 2/3 of the way up i just stop. I cannot go on. Thats when it happens. Juan turns to me. "Mrs. Rosita, let me take your bag, i am a strong man (he is 5,5 and weighs I'm sure a buck 40), i can take both (he already has a bag and two walking sticks). It Hits me.. the tears.. i feel them, starting, welling up, trying to escape. Why am i about to cry do you ask?.. because i have a fear of Failure. I hate to fail, this moment, Juan asking to help me.. it destroyed me. I felt like i came this far, how could i give up now.
Its amazing to me what the human psyche can do to overcome the pain and suffering of the human body. It took one instance of fear of failure and i did what i do best. I turned to Juan and said "I can take my own F@#$# bag, Thank you" i turned around and started climbing at a pace unmatched by any other I'm sure that day. I could hear Juan hollering at me "slow down ms. Rosita, you need to be careff....uuu....lll" and i was gone. Moments later i saw the peak, it only fuelled my motivation. I picked up speed and climbed, climbed and climbed.
I remember thinking at one point " this is amazing that i don't even feel my body anymore, its like the pain doesn't exists" i remember thanking god for blessing me with the ability to block out my worldly feelings. I remember seeing the peak, i remember watching it come ever so closer with every step. Like each step represented a moment in my life i wanted to leave behind, a failure i wanted to overcome and a future i was striving towards. I kept climbing.
And than the moment happened, the one all people look forward to, whether it be a hike, a challenge, a life event, reaching the Precipitous of the moment, the peak, staring out at all that you have accomplished, looking back for a fleeting moment to soak it in, and reminisce on the journey that lay behind you and looking forward to the new opportunity in front of you. .. (Enters Juan Carlos) " You are a rock star ms. Rosita" (High five Juan, yes i am!!)
I stood atop that mountain a new women. (Maybe i am over dramatic because its the highest mountain i had hiked, but it wasn't the mountain that was the point, it was the journey it represented) To be honest seeing Machu Picchu was so amazing, but it fades in comparison to reaching the top of this peak.
Either way there are three very valuable lessons i had learned on this hike :
Until next time...
Jenny
Standing atop the Andes, staring out at the miracle before me. The vastness of its presence that moves your very soul. It was that moment, the air crisp, legs tired, rain fading to a mist, that the Mountains lit up, the heavens opened and brought clarity to that very spot, and the wind whispered in my ear... that was the moment i understood. It radiated through the entirety of my being. That was when the thought approached me.
I left a part of my Being, my essence, my soul on that mountain in Peru.. i replaced that piece of me, with something much more profound. Words cannot even explain this.
Let me get back now to the start of my journey. Its been a few days ( a week) since i was able to blog. Since than, I have left Calgary, flown to Peru, Hiked Machu Picchu and arrived back home, alone.
A typical hike of the Incan Trail takes 4 days (this is the general tour you can get). Its 44km of mountain terrain that has about 15km of that a straight incline. The first day is roughly 10km of flatness with gradual incline, the 2nd day is straight uphill (not ramp like, but stone steps) for 8 km than down hill for another 3-4km. Day 3 is 16km of up hill and down hill, day 4 is 4 km and Machu Picchu. Easy right!
Ya, well would of been easy if my permit came in time. I get a call Monday after being in Cusco for 1 day and expecting to leave the following day Tuesday to hike until Friday. Well wouldn't you know it, My permit doesn't show up! the government is a day behind. So I am told.
This is when i receive what at the time seemed like the most disappointing news ever.. "Sorry lady, you cannot hike the Incan trail. Your options are the jungle trek or the 2 day Machu Picchu visit" Are you F&^$%#$ Kidding me! I just came all this way to PROVE to myself i could do this. To hike the WHOLE trail, no porter (person who carries your bags) and carry my 20lb backpack across the Andes myself!
I am not sure if it was just pure frustration, desperation or all of those years of using my Womenly Wilds to manipulate situations but being the oh so demanding women i am, i turned to this poor peruvian guide and said "Listen Buddy, i came here to hike this trial, i WILL hike this trail, and you will help me find a way to do it. I don't care if i have to hike the whole damn thing alone, i am doing it".. 100 US later (what can't money buy, right.. ugh) and i have my own personal guide and have committed to hiking day 1 & 2 above, alone, in 1 day to reach the group who left a day prior. FUN. EASY right? thats what i thought.
Well you can only imagine my surprise when 13 km into the Hike , i am less than half way up the Steepest incline, climbing to 4200 Meters and I'm at a fork in the road. Only one word can truly describe to me what this hike, 21km in one day felt like. SUFFERING. True Suffering. Pilgrimage style Suffering. My legs feel like led, I'm tired, my back hurts, the lack of sleep the night before (2 hours) and the elevation are getting to my brain and i just feel like i can't breath. No amount of puffs on my Inhaler is helping (yes asthma). Every 10 steps i have to stop and take a "break" and i keep turning to my sweet guide Juan Carlos saying "i am so so sorry, i am usually way better than this, i feel like I'm failing you" and he winces, noting his tiredness too as this poor man has only ever done this trek in 1 day, 3 times in his life. Juan always responds "Its ok Rosita (my mothers name) everyone struggles here, you are doing great, take your time, its ok lady, its ok".
Then 2/3 of the way up i just stop. I cannot go on. Thats when it happens. Juan turns to me. "Mrs. Rosita, let me take your bag, i am a strong man (he is 5,5 and weighs I'm sure a buck 40), i can take both (he already has a bag and two walking sticks). It Hits me.. the tears.. i feel them, starting, welling up, trying to escape. Why am i about to cry do you ask?.. because i have a fear of Failure. I hate to fail, this moment, Juan asking to help me.. it destroyed me. I felt like i came this far, how could i give up now.
Its amazing to me what the human psyche can do to overcome the pain and suffering of the human body. It took one instance of fear of failure and i did what i do best. I turned to Juan and said "I can take my own F@#$# bag, Thank you" i turned around and started climbing at a pace unmatched by any other I'm sure that day. I could hear Juan hollering at me "slow down ms. Rosita, you need to be careff....uuu....lll" and i was gone. Moments later i saw the peak, it only fuelled my motivation. I picked up speed and climbed, climbed and climbed.
I remember thinking at one point " this is amazing that i don't even feel my body anymore, its like the pain doesn't exists" i remember thanking god for blessing me with the ability to block out my worldly feelings. I remember seeing the peak, i remember watching it come ever so closer with every step. Like each step represented a moment in my life i wanted to leave behind, a failure i wanted to overcome and a future i was striving towards. I kept climbing.
And than the moment happened, the one all people look forward to, whether it be a hike, a challenge, a life event, reaching the Precipitous of the moment, the peak, staring out at all that you have accomplished, looking back for a fleeting moment to soak it in, and reminisce on the journey that lay behind you and looking forward to the new opportunity in front of you. .. (Enters Juan Carlos) " You are a rock star ms. Rosita" (High five Juan, yes i am!!)
I stood atop that mountain a new women. (Maybe i am over dramatic because its the highest mountain i had hiked, but it wasn't the mountain that was the point, it was the journey it represented) To be honest seeing Machu Picchu was so amazing, but it fades in comparison to reaching the top of this peak.
Either way there are three very valuable lessons i had learned on this hike :
- Never underestimate the ability of your body to perceiver. You can ALWAYS give more then you think you can
- Less is more. 20lbs was not fun to carry
- Don't forget Toilet paper (Not pretty...trust me)
One thing i should note. When we finally made it to camp that night, Juan had said it should be about 11 hours of hiking to get there. I was continually apologizing to him for being slow, taking too much time, not being good enough. I think this is something i commonly do in life. Rather than being ok with just being me, i have gotten so use to apologizing for not being good enough, quick enough, smart enough, loving enough etc.. Well the funny thing about that... my Enough was 7.5 hours. not 11. We arrived to camp only 2 hours behind the group who started a day prior and we had Hiked the Incline 3 hours faster. HELL YES!
I am going to try to let my inner light guide me and leave the sorries behind me!
As will all of these posts. A poem or little saying i wrote along the way :
"May you always be one step ahead of the darkness finding you, and guided eternally by the light inside you"
Until next time...
Jenny
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Day 515 - Temptation is a drink best served HOT aka Caliente!
Well, this will be quick because i am hiking Machu tomorrow and my guide comes at 4 am.. Frig, 4 am.. how am i suppose to hike a mountain with less than 5 hours of sleep and no dinner. We shall see!
So in line with the title of this entry. Temptation is a the mother of all evil, as yes, a drink best served smoking Hot.. or as the Spanish say Caliente! I say this only because i am nothing but a week person, as like most people and when tempted... well its darn hard to not just eat the yummy delicious, perfect, well made, gift from god Chilean, i mean Cupcake that has the " do not touch" sign on it.. i am only human. ( i have started eating chocolate as a coping mechanism)
My Temptation comes in the form of a 21 year old Chilean man named Nicolas. Hahaha right...
You see, leave it up to Fate, Luck, or just plain old gods joke on me, or test to see how seriouse i am about my goals.. But leave it up to him/her to place this man in my hotel. Of all the hotels in Cusco, he had to be in mine. Now, let me start by saying Cusco is not a booming metropolis for handsome men. Its full of hippies. Men that haven't showered in what looks like years with long dreads ( i like dreads, just the clean kind). Its full of , well, not my type of man. Then there is Nicolas. Such eye candy ( yes for one moment i am going to objectify a man.. if you can do it, so can i). Let me paint a most vivid picture of this temptation. (i apologize to any men reading this). Nicolas is 6 foot 2 tall drink of creamy dark temptation. Skin kissed by the sun gods, hair thick and brown and full, eyes like the color of honey, beautiful pouty lips, bright white smile , oh and lets not forget built like the professional soccer player that he is... aaaaaah. yess (I say this as i eat yet more chocolate)... i have the horrible pleasure of watching this man walk past me every single time i am a the hotel. What i gained from his trainer (the only one that can speak English) they are not allowed to leave the hotel as they are here for soccer and that is it. So every single morning, afternoon and evening that i walk up to my room, i walk past this marvel just lazing around. Sometimes shirtless... yes SHIRTLESS..
WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO, TO DESERVE THIS.. NOW ( takes a bite of chocolate) hahaha
I mean, common. I cant even speak English to the guy and he keeps trying to speak with me with this devilish grin and these sweet Spanish words. Give me a break here. Its so cute. He is 21, i feel like Jennifer Lopez hot off a divorce and i cant seem to get my kicks from the oldies so im drinking the hot sweet coolaid of the younger man..... Back up. I am fantasizing about the hot sweet caliente coolaid. My drink.. cold, sober, flavourless, lonely.. water. My favourite kind.
Anyways, just thought i would share that i am in temptation hell. Its a nice hell but still not one i want to be in. So i have gained 5 lbs in 3 days and taken 2 cold showers haha. MMMMMM Chocolate. haha
Looking forward to heading off on my Hike tomorrow to clear my head and mind of temptations and get onto what i came here for. Vastness, inner fulfillment and just ME time.
Temptation: (i creeped this photo off facebook. yes im crazy)
as is custom with these, the following is my favourite biblical quote as of right now in regards to the above.
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
my escape.. machu picchu.. TOMORROW.
until next time...
Jenny
So in line with the title of this entry. Temptation is a the mother of all evil, as yes, a drink best served smoking Hot.. or as the Spanish say Caliente! I say this only because i am nothing but a week person, as like most people and when tempted... well its darn hard to not just eat the yummy delicious, perfect, well made, gift from god Chilean, i mean Cupcake that has the " do not touch" sign on it.. i am only human. ( i have started eating chocolate as a coping mechanism)
My Temptation comes in the form of a 21 year old Chilean man named Nicolas. Hahaha right...
You see, leave it up to Fate, Luck, or just plain old gods joke on me, or test to see how seriouse i am about my goals.. But leave it up to him/her to place this man in my hotel. Of all the hotels in Cusco, he had to be in mine. Now, let me start by saying Cusco is not a booming metropolis for handsome men. Its full of hippies. Men that haven't showered in what looks like years with long dreads ( i like dreads, just the clean kind). Its full of , well, not my type of man. Then there is Nicolas. Such eye candy ( yes for one moment i am going to objectify a man.. if you can do it, so can i). Let me paint a most vivid picture of this temptation. (i apologize to any men reading this). Nicolas is 6 foot 2 tall drink of creamy dark temptation. Skin kissed by the sun gods, hair thick and brown and full, eyes like the color of honey, beautiful pouty lips, bright white smile , oh and lets not forget built like the professional soccer player that he is... aaaaaah. yess (I say this as i eat yet more chocolate)... i have the horrible pleasure of watching this man walk past me every single time i am a the hotel. What i gained from his trainer (the only one that can speak English) they are not allowed to leave the hotel as they are here for soccer and that is it. So every single morning, afternoon and evening that i walk up to my room, i walk past this marvel just lazing around. Sometimes shirtless... yes SHIRTLESS..
WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO, TO DESERVE THIS.. NOW ( takes a bite of chocolate) hahaha
I mean, common. I cant even speak English to the guy and he keeps trying to speak with me with this devilish grin and these sweet Spanish words. Give me a break here. Its so cute. He is 21, i feel like Jennifer Lopez hot off a divorce and i cant seem to get my kicks from the oldies so im drinking the hot sweet coolaid of the younger man..... Back up. I am fantasizing about the hot sweet caliente coolaid. My drink.. cold, sober, flavourless, lonely.. water. My favourite kind.
Anyways, just thought i would share that i am in temptation hell. Its a nice hell but still not one i want to be in. So i have gained 5 lbs in 3 days and taken 2 cold showers haha. MMMMMM Chocolate. haha
Looking forward to heading off on my Hike tomorrow to clear my head and mind of temptations and get onto what i came here for. Vastness, inner fulfillment and just ME time.
Temptation: (i creeped this photo off facebook. yes im crazy)
as is custom with these, the following is my favourite biblical quote as of right now in regards to the above.
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
my escape.. machu picchu.. TOMORROW.
until next time...
Jenny
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Day 517 - worlds apart but intertwined
Well I am writing today's blog from a small cafe "cappuccino cafe" in Cusco Peru. I have arrived safely and what a wonderful journey it was. Traveling alone has really opened my eyes to the wonder of human nature.
It amazes me how although worlds, languages, and generations apart it does not push back the overwhelming need for man kind to love one another. Now I know with all the turmoil in the world sometimes this may be hard to believe, but I'f you open yourself to it, and allow the presence of love to penetrate your being , you will be amazed and moved at the compassion in the world.
I found this compassion on my journey to Cusco. On my roughly 7 hour flight from Houston to Lima i found my self in luck with an exit row all to myself. I was reading the majority of the flight, in economy where service is highly dependant on the mood of your host or hostess. Well I am not sure if She felt like blessing me today with kindness, our great spiritual mother, but my steward stopped to ask why I was travelling alone. He was an older man with a very thick Spanish accent. Our communication was less than perfect. He found it crazy and inspiring my need to take off on a whim and to such a foreign place. Throughout the duration of the flight he brought me extra blankets, tea from first class cups and baileys in my coffee.. All on the house. I wasn't sure why he was so kind, and I may never know. His girlfriend worked the flight as well. For whatever reason when I left I was given a card that when used, would allow me buddy passes for my next few trips on United.
Amazing.
I have been spending much time lately trying to push back my desire to break free of my current situation and see the world, witness it's inhabitants and marvel at its many wonders. Maybe this is the spirits (I firmly believe in this) way of guiding me. I have never been so open and ready to step outside my comfort zone.
The next act of human compassion moved me further. I found myself on a layover in the Lima airport, arriving at 11pm and my next flight out not until 540 am. Normally I would check in and proceed to sleep on benches However the ticket counter was closed until 330. I wandered around until I noticed a area were people were laying on the ground. Other weary travelers like myself. Normally I would avoid this situation, convincing myself I need to be alone somewhere. NOT this time. I walked pass te sea of sleeping bodies and found my concrete haven for the night. Around 1230 I awoke freezing, no blanket, not feeling well. A Peruvian man sleepin next to me awoke as I was stirring about and offered me refuge. He had two blankets and he offered on up, he also let me lay on a small corner of the one he had on the ground. He spoke no english, he didn't ask my name, nor did he try to make a pass at me.
A bed is a bed, rest is rest...
Me and that man slept next to one another for 3 hours. When my alarm went, I rose, covered him in the blanket he had offered, thanked him an left. I still do not know his name. But last night he was my brother, and the steward my friend.
Look around you, do not reject the kindness available in the world. We are all cut from the same cloth. It's unfortunate we live in an age where we are taught to close ourselves off from the kindness of strangers, because we are made to believe the world is such a "scary" "unforgiving" place.
I live by this scripture. I learnt it when I was converted to Mormonism when I was 18 (another long story with a sad ending)
Hebrews 13:2
" let brotherly love continue, be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for some have entertained angels unawares"
Love and peace,
Until next time..
Jenny
It amazes me how although worlds, languages, and generations apart it does not push back the overwhelming need for man kind to love one another. Now I know with all the turmoil in the world sometimes this may be hard to believe, but I'f you open yourself to it, and allow the presence of love to penetrate your being , you will be amazed and moved at the compassion in the world.
I found this compassion on my journey to Cusco. On my roughly 7 hour flight from Houston to Lima i found my self in luck with an exit row all to myself. I was reading the majority of the flight, in economy where service is highly dependant on the mood of your host or hostess. Well I am not sure if She felt like blessing me today with kindness, our great spiritual mother, but my steward stopped to ask why I was travelling alone. He was an older man with a very thick Spanish accent. Our communication was less than perfect. He found it crazy and inspiring my need to take off on a whim and to such a foreign place. Throughout the duration of the flight he brought me extra blankets, tea from first class cups and baileys in my coffee.. All on the house. I wasn't sure why he was so kind, and I may never know. His girlfriend worked the flight as well. For whatever reason when I left I was given a card that when used, would allow me buddy passes for my next few trips on United.
Amazing.
I have been spending much time lately trying to push back my desire to break free of my current situation and see the world, witness it's inhabitants and marvel at its many wonders. Maybe this is the spirits (I firmly believe in this) way of guiding me. I have never been so open and ready to step outside my comfort zone.
The next act of human compassion moved me further. I found myself on a layover in the Lima airport, arriving at 11pm and my next flight out not until 540 am. Normally I would check in and proceed to sleep on benches However the ticket counter was closed until 330. I wandered around until I noticed a area were people were laying on the ground. Other weary travelers like myself. Normally I would avoid this situation, convincing myself I need to be alone somewhere. NOT this time. I walked pass te sea of sleeping bodies and found my concrete haven for the night. Around 1230 I awoke freezing, no blanket, not feeling well. A Peruvian man sleepin next to me awoke as I was stirring about and offered me refuge. He had two blankets and he offered on up, he also let me lay on a small corner of the one he had on the ground. He spoke no english, he didn't ask my name, nor did he try to make a pass at me.
A bed is a bed, rest is rest...
Me and that man slept next to one another for 3 hours. When my alarm went, I rose, covered him in the blanket he had offered, thanked him an left. I still do not know his name. But last night he was my brother, and the steward my friend.
Look around you, do not reject the kindness available in the world. We are all cut from the same cloth. It's unfortunate we live in an age where we are taught to close ourselves off from the kindness of strangers, because we are made to believe the world is such a "scary" "unforgiving" place.
I live by this scripture. I learnt it when I was converted to Mormonism when I was 18 (another long story with a sad ending)
Hebrews 13:2
" let brotherly love continue, be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for some have entertained angels unawares"
Love and peace,
Until next time..
Jenny
Friday, January 11, 2013
Day 519 - I drank the Coolaid!
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where an opportunity arises.. it could be anything really, just a great, amazing, to good to be true opportunity.. and you seize the moment without more than a ounce of consideration, no hesitation or thought of recourse because its just such a great opportunity!
I mean we have all been their, something as small as an offer for a tasty treat, a fun party, a better level at a job, or a upgrade "free" to a new vehicle, seat .. anything!
Well yesterday i did just that. I had the opportunity to take some extra time from work and had the bright idea to go on a last minute trip.. the guy at work that sits next to me bounced around some ideas and when i mentioned Peru he lit up like a pin ball machine and sold the idea to me like it was a gift from god shining down specifically at me and of course, without thought, or hesitation.. i drank the coolaid. I did what any normal, sane , just got back from holidays in Italy person would do.... i jumped on line and booked a single flight to Peru.
Have you ever had that great opportunity arise, you took it, and then you felt a overwhelming feeling of nausea.. almost like regret but more like.. WTF was i thinking? This very moment, i am doing just that!
I am like that person that ate the WHOLE box of doughnuts, Bought the new vehicle, Took the job and have NO clue what I'm doing, went to the really fun party that lasted until 6 am and got a little crazy... yes i am the person that is sitting with the sick stomach, looking at the new shiny car, feeling the pains of lack of sleeping, staring at my new employee who is complaining about being late because of his cat "ms buttercup" thinking.. WTF was i thinking!
I am about to board a flight, unprepared, in less than 8 hours to PERU! not just to have a relaxing holiday, but to HIKE Machu Picchu... DURING RAINY SEASON! WTF was i thinking! on top of the toooooo good to be true opportunity, i am doing it SOLO...
Ok, i have had my freak out, i am putting back on my big girl pants and moving past the last paragraph.
Im super pumped, but super scared.
I should note here that this is officially my first trip EVER, going on a solo mission. I have travelled alone many many times, but generally to a place where i have family, friends, acquaintances, or to places that are very "north american" so its easy to be alone..
I find myself sitting here feeling a little overwhelmed, almost a little bit out of sorts. I like to be alone, i love to travel and i am a very confidant person.. but the thought of hiking Machu alone .. well, its rather depressing.
Im trying to stay positive and hope this gives me the opportunity i have been waiting for, the chance to have some serious alone time, soul searching, re grouping type of experience. To look out at the vast landscape and the ancient ruins and have a "Ah Ha" kinda moment.. But this is one of those times were you think.. yes, it will be Ah Ha, but one day, when i want to reminisce on this very moment.. i will have no one to share it with..because i will be alone.
And then it happens, and loneliness sets in... Darn.
I find it interesting in life where loneliness comes from and when you feel its effects. Of all the emotions that trickle through our lives, to me , this is the most lethal.
It creeps in when you least expect it, in moments of happiness, silence, self reflection. It waves over you like a thick smog and makes you doubt your choices, makes small spaces seem like great rooms filled with empty noises and sad memories. Loneliness has a way about it, to whisper in your ear the ever soft notes of moments missed, loves lost and souls wanting.
Once it catches hold of you, it manages to make even the most wonderful of moments seem less brilliant, dull and scuffed. Its the Loneliness that feeds upon the changing, the weak and the broken. We all know this feeling. The single person who longs for a partner, The married person who longs for a partner who actually sees them, the widow who longs for a lost love..
Loneliness is a friend i know well, it sits with me daily and taunts me to dance, waiting for the opportunity when my card isn't full. I have learnt well how to keep busy enough and brave enough to not fall prey to its waltz.
I have been trying to work on the absence of loneliness the "feeling" and embracing the ability to understand Loneliness, the act of being "alone". It feels good to be able to recognize the difference. To be comfortable with the latter enough to not invite the feeling in.
As part of this 519 days remaining it is my goal to not sit and allow the feeling to overcome me as it did the past 5 days again .No random texts to an ex, to fill empty spaces of time i cannot face, No offers to others to accompany my crazy travel plans, because i cannot bare to see a magnificent summit alone.
Its when we are alone , that we truly learn who we are. Once we have that opportunity, it is then when we are with someone that we truly see the reflection of who we are through another's eyes.
I want to fill up all of the loneliness i posses with enough inner love, strength and capability, so when i do meet my partner in crime.. i will be a reflection of someone, not even i will recognize.
Since this was such a serious post, to lighten the mood and find joy in all things.. Below is a picture of my backpack for Peru. If you knew me, you would realize how amusing it will be for me to manage with just this for 6 days, never mind to try and pack everything in it. Not to mention caring it on a 4 day hike myself. (Some choose porter, i stick with my true motto in life " if they can do it, i can do it" )
Wish me luck!
Until Next time...
Jenny
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Day 521 - Two many roads not enough time..
This will be a quick one tonight.. mostly because I'm tired, working still, exhausted from my workout and my dog whose leg is broke (this is a great story for another day) is going crazy.. Its funny what happens to animals (like people) when they are restricted from movement, exercise and being outside. They turn CRAZY! like moody, fat, lazy with the odd random burst of energy and then the barking.. this dog never used to bark.. now she is like a person with turetts (not trying to be offensive here) she randomly barks out obscenities at me then twirls around twitching.. my dog has gone wacko. I cannot wait for 2 more weeks when i can let her roam free and get this energy out. poor thing.
ok, my quickie is suddenly turning into a long drawn out, monotonous love making session. You know the one, your tired, you aren't even in the mood, but they insist it will be a fun 'quickie". There is nothing fun about thinking your going to have a quick, passionate love session when it never ends, and you find yourself actually looking around for a clock our counting all the moments of sleep your missing or things you need to do... haha wow.. yes, i said it. A quickie is suppose to be QUICK and GOOD or don't bother. I don't like having expectations that are not met.. obviously.
So,
Back to the purpose of this not so quickie message. Its AMAZING to me how when you open yourself up to the things around you, our the things within you mostly how you make decisions that support your overall goals. Today i went to the dentist (checked out ok, minus a tiny cavity.. darn acidic foods). I decided to work only half a day and being in my most favourite place i have lived (Cochrane) i thought i would take the opportunity to stop in at my favourite coffee shop (java jamboree) i will note here : this is the BEST cafe i have had in the WORLD. They have the most amazing roasted beans.. in love). Ok , so to go to this coffee shop is a total experience that must include a good read. So i stopped in at the used bookstore next to the shop.
Wandering around aimlessly, i decided to go to my most trusted author when looking for spiritual awakening or just an overall thought provoking book. Paulo Coelho is a literary genius in my mind with his use of words and his ability to make one statement provoke profound change from within. Having read almost all of his books i was amazed to find one i had not heard of "By the river Piedra, I sat down & wept". 5 pages into this book i was so moved i had to re read the pages again. It so totally matched how my life is changing right now and where it is projecting too. Then i hit page 25 and the world gave me a big WHAT UP! See picture below. Amazing! Whoever T is, i am so very thankful for her kind words and ability to touch me the second i needed it, in the way i needed it (if only men in the world could take note haha)
I also would like to insert here the most moving part of this book so far. Thought Provoking and wonderful.
" You have to take risks , he said. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.
Every day, god gives us the sun - and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven't perceived that moment, that it doesn't exist - that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to there everyday lives, they will discover the magic moment.
It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front door key in the lock ; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. But the moment exists - a moment when all the power of the stars become a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.
Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments. - but all of this is transitory ; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journeys e have taken.
Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned ; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back - and at some point EVERYONE looks back - she will hear her heart saying, "what have you done with the miracles that God planted in your days? what have you done with the talents God bestowed on you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing those talents. So this is your heritage, the certainty that you wasted your life"
Pitiful are the people who must realize this. Because when they are finally able to believe in miracles, their lives magic moments will have already passed them by."
This prompted the writing of my own poem today based on my favourite Robert Frost :
I was standing at two roads diverged in would, a lonely traveller long I stood, and chalk it up to youth and chance, but I took one based on circumstance, the road I took was paved away, mostly trodden by present day and here I stand miles apart from the less travelled road where I left my heart..
Until next time...
Jenny
ok, my quickie is suddenly turning into a long drawn out, monotonous love making session. You know the one, your tired, you aren't even in the mood, but they insist it will be a fun 'quickie". There is nothing fun about thinking your going to have a quick, passionate love session when it never ends, and you find yourself actually looking around for a clock our counting all the moments of sleep your missing or things you need to do... haha wow.. yes, i said it. A quickie is suppose to be QUICK and GOOD or don't bother. I don't like having expectations that are not met.. obviously.
So,
Back to the purpose of this not so quickie message. Its AMAZING to me how when you open yourself up to the things around you, our the things within you mostly how you make decisions that support your overall goals. Today i went to the dentist (checked out ok, minus a tiny cavity.. darn acidic foods). I decided to work only half a day and being in my most favourite place i have lived (Cochrane) i thought i would take the opportunity to stop in at my favourite coffee shop (java jamboree) i will note here : this is the BEST cafe i have had in the WORLD. They have the most amazing roasted beans.. in love). Ok , so to go to this coffee shop is a total experience that must include a good read. So i stopped in at the used bookstore next to the shop.
Wandering around aimlessly, i decided to go to my most trusted author when looking for spiritual awakening or just an overall thought provoking book. Paulo Coelho is a literary genius in my mind with his use of words and his ability to make one statement provoke profound change from within. Having read almost all of his books i was amazed to find one i had not heard of "By the river Piedra, I sat down & wept". 5 pages into this book i was so moved i had to re read the pages again. It so totally matched how my life is changing right now and where it is projecting too. Then i hit page 25 and the world gave me a big WHAT UP! See picture below. Amazing! Whoever T is, i am so very thankful for her kind words and ability to touch me the second i needed it, in the way i needed it (if only men in the world could take note haha)
I also would like to insert here the most moving part of this book so far. Thought Provoking and wonderful.
" You have to take risks , he said. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.
Every day, god gives us the sun - and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven't perceived that moment, that it doesn't exist - that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to there everyday lives, they will discover the magic moment.
It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front door key in the lock ; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. But the moment exists - a moment when all the power of the stars become a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.
Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments. - but all of this is transitory ; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journeys e have taken.
Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned ; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back - and at some point EVERYONE looks back - she will hear her heart saying, "what have you done with the miracles that God planted in your days? what have you done with the talents God bestowed on you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing those talents. So this is your heritage, the certainty that you wasted your life"
Pitiful are the people who must realize this. Because when they are finally able to believe in miracles, their lives magic moments will have already passed them by."
This prompted the writing of my own poem today based on my favourite Robert Frost :
I was standing at two roads diverged in would, a lonely traveller long I stood, and chalk it up to youth and chance, but I took one based on circumstance, the road I took was paved away, mostly trodden by present day and here I stand miles apart from the less travelled road where I left my heart..
Until next time...
Jenny
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
DAY 522 - Beer vs Wine.. Call me a Wino
So I have been back in Canada now for almost a week, and i am trying my hardest to not get the vacation blues. But its HARD ok! I mean, there is a huge, and i mean HUGE fundamental difference between men in Italy and Men in canada. I am not knocking Canadian men here, lets just chalk it up to lack of century deep history, or the fact that we live in a cultural melting pot that causes lots of morals and values to be ever diluted with time, or perhaps its the fact that we are in Alberta and well.. lets be honest, its land of the "Dude".
You see, Italy was a land of wonder for a women born in Alberta, at least one who wants a little more then the average albertan man. It was full of Rugged, Handsome men that actually believe a women should be taken care of and served. (Typically i wouldn't like this being the oh so feminist, independent, i can do it my self type of girl.. but they serve you in a way that makes your inner goddess buck up and say Hell Yes pour my wine!! ) This is a place where you wouldn't dare pour your own glass of water or wine, thats the mans job. You wouldn't dare open a door or pull out a chair or carry a heavy bag, this , again, is a mans job. Yes a Mans. A man that likes music, history, art, would go to watch theatre, opera and have a conversation about world events and 15th century architecture. Yes and the SPA!! Unbelievable. On top of this, they dress like they just stepped out of a GQ magazine, ALL of them. They all have wonderfully full, wavy thick dark heads of hair and beautiful eyes. Also, i must note the vast majority speak multiple languages. This isn't something that necessarily matters, but it sure is enjoyable to fantasize about. Still now, a week later, i am in heaven every time i close my eyes.
Then there is Alberta.. back to the land of the "Dude" Its a vast heaven for Men that like to drive big trucks, wear "no affliction shirts" , cover themselves in tattoos that don't mean a damn thing because its a trend, wear dirty sneakers, baggy jeans and clothes that don't fit, guys that smoke, guys that eat poorly, guys that think women should serve them barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, guys that can't string together an actual compliment or real pick up line to save their lives, so everything has to focus on how much money they make, where they work and how many houses or toys they own, oh and my personal favourite, "wanna go to vegas".. please.. Men who think the idea of a good time is playing beer drinking games in a garage with there buddies, dirt biking, snow mobiling, bar fights, dinner at burger joints and lets not forget the ever so enjoyed crap movies that involve guys farting and tasteless nudie scenes or mindless hours of hockey.
Now i am really trying hard not to paint a completely horrible picture. But i find it interesting that since posting this blog and stating my 524 day no serious dating of any kind rule, the amount of tasteless Albertan individuals that have creeped out of the wood work with an actual half assed attempt to try and drum up a date.. can you not READ, do you not respect a Women's wishes? common people.
Unless you are some ruggedly handsome, well cultured, speaks several languages, knows about history, current world events, art, music, and literature, oh and is firmly grounded and in touch with your inner self kind of man. Unless you can manage to hold up a conversation that doesn't involve talking about just hockey, the new truck you want to buy or the last good party you went to, i am NOT interested. Even if you were the above, i still wouldn't be. 522 days and counting!
Alberta :
Italy :
I am sure the above blog statements will get some negative press from every man i know. But just be open minded, sometimes we want MORE.. sometimes we don't want to settle for well... LESS.. sometimes its a turn on to have something to say that actually matters.. Or that your at least trying to better yourself continually.
Anyways, for now.. i will continue down the road to 30 happily fantasizing about my perfect man that does not exists... and continue to be pleased by none other then yours truly.. I mean lets be honest here.. the Majority of you Albertan, Man loving women out there are pleasing yourselves more then your man is anyway, or not at all. Generally the "dudes" don't take the time to sort us out properly anyway.. we Albertan women are the best Actresses around ; ) (Women, you know what i am talking about! )
until next time..
Jenny
You see, Italy was a land of wonder for a women born in Alberta, at least one who wants a little more then the average albertan man. It was full of Rugged, Handsome men that actually believe a women should be taken care of and served. (Typically i wouldn't like this being the oh so feminist, independent, i can do it my self type of girl.. but they serve you in a way that makes your inner goddess buck up and say Hell Yes pour my wine!! ) This is a place where you wouldn't dare pour your own glass of water or wine, thats the mans job. You wouldn't dare open a door or pull out a chair or carry a heavy bag, this , again, is a mans job. Yes a Mans. A man that likes music, history, art, would go to watch theatre, opera and have a conversation about world events and 15th century architecture. Yes and the SPA!! Unbelievable. On top of this, they dress like they just stepped out of a GQ magazine, ALL of them. They all have wonderfully full, wavy thick dark heads of hair and beautiful eyes. Also, i must note the vast majority speak multiple languages. This isn't something that necessarily matters, but it sure is enjoyable to fantasize about. Still now, a week later, i am in heaven every time i close my eyes.
Then there is Alberta.. back to the land of the "Dude" Its a vast heaven for Men that like to drive big trucks, wear "no affliction shirts" , cover themselves in tattoos that don't mean a damn thing because its a trend, wear dirty sneakers, baggy jeans and clothes that don't fit, guys that smoke, guys that eat poorly, guys that think women should serve them barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, guys that can't string together an actual compliment or real pick up line to save their lives, so everything has to focus on how much money they make, where they work and how many houses or toys they own, oh and my personal favourite, "wanna go to vegas".. please.. Men who think the idea of a good time is playing beer drinking games in a garage with there buddies, dirt biking, snow mobiling, bar fights, dinner at burger joints and lets not forget the ever so enjoyed crap movies that involve guys farting and tasteless nudie scenes or mindless hours of hockey.
Now i am really trying hard not to paint a completely horrible picture. But i find it interesting that since posting this blog and stating my 524 day no serious dating of any kind rule, the amount of tasteless Albertan individuals that have creeped out of the wood work with an actual half assed attempt to try and drum up a date.. can you not READ, do you not respect a Women's wishes? common people.
Unless you are some ruggedly handsome, well cultured, speaks several languages, knows about history, current world events, art, music, and literature, oh and is firmly grounded and in touch with your inner self kind of man. Unless you can manage to hold up a conversation that doesn't involve talking about just hockey, the new truck you want to buy or the last good party you went to, i am NOT interested. Even if you were the above, i still wouldn't be. 522 days and counting!
Alberta :
Italy :
I am sure the above blog statements will get some negative press from every man i know. But just be open minded, sometimes we want MORE.. sometimes we don't want to settle for well... LESS.. sometimes its a turn on to have something to say that actually matters.. Or that your at least trying to better yourself continually.
Anyways, for now.. i will continue down the road to 30 happily fantasizing about my perfect man that does not exists... and continue to be pleased by none other then yours truly.. I mean lets be honest here.. the Majority of you Albertan, Man loving women out there are pleasing yourselves more then your man is anyway, or not at all. Generally the "dudes" don't take the time to sort us out properly anyway.. we Albertan women are the best Actresses around ; ) (Women, you know what i am talking about! )
until next time..
Jenny
Monday, January 7, 2013
Day 523 - Curve Ball
Its funny how when you really set your heart and mind to a goal or have a epiphany of sorts.. something, and i mean something.. Always tries to throw you a curve ball.
Id like to note one thing prior to continuing.. I have made this decision to roll Solo this next 523 days (as in no serious dating, or possibly no dating of any kind.. which means no intimacy of any kind.. I'm still sorting out whether i can manage through the last half.. most likely not. We shall see. This of course being a good tactic to ensure that i do not settle , right?)
Thats not to say i won't engage with men, talk to them, like them, fantasize about them or flirt with them.. just NO serious dating, because I have big plans that just don't include Men, not for the next 523 days anyways.
So i am only human, and like all humans.. i set out to do something... and i fall.. at least once our twice.
Here i am, 1 day into my No settling, learn to love being alone, learn to grow as a person , get to 30 on your terms plan, and no more then 8 hours into the day.. who am i texting whilst bored after lunch... One of my ex's. The text went something like this :
" Hey, hows it going, long time. Just thought id say hi, see if you were around this weekend. maybe we could grab...." I stopped , gave my head a shake and said WTF lady! pull it together! 1 day and your already fishing.. ( I call this fishing, you know.. we have ALL done it.. your bored, your lonely, or you just want a challenge.. and you fish. I would say i am pretty good at this technique of emptiness filling. As "they' say.. there is Always plenty of Fish in the sea.. HA)
So here is the curve ball..
I choose not to text this ex.. so proud of myself, i give my inner self the old High five your a rock star and went about my day. Then my phone rings, a number i have not seen before. "Hello".. Well look who it is.. Mr Ex. I must of pushed those vibes his way and he picked up the bait and threw it back at me. Not only did i receive the " hey , just wanted to call to say hi . Oh no, it got so much better. "Hey, I'm moving to calgary, looks like ill be around a lot" (Its important to mention here that this is the ex that ditched me last minute after leading me to believe i was moving with him, you know, house shopping, the whole bit.. well we packed. He moved).... Lord give me strength!
Lesson of the day.. Watch what you wish for and DO NOT pick up the phone when you don't know the number. That is what voice mail is for, curiosity is a killer.
Day 1 down.. so far managing well. Determined to culture myself more and broaden my possibilities in life i enrolled in Italian language courses and picked up a book on the Higgs particle. I figure if i can sort out how the universe works then maybe i can work on me next.. avoidance , maybe.. i like to think its organized deferral.
"People underestimate the impact of a new reality" ~ Joe Incandela
Until next time ..
Jenny
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Day 524 - New year , New Life.. Maybe
I have never written a blog before. I am sure this is how all blogs start, with the aforementioned statement. I am not a writer by any means( you will see this in my poor use of grammar, spelling mistakes and half sentances), but i have made a resolution to myself to be a better me this year, with that, to write.
Let me introduce the concept of my blog... or first.. let me say that i have now listened to the song Passenger -Let her go ,on repeat for the last 3 hours... lets say that is the start to this blog. Letting go.
The big count down, to the big 30. This seems like a average thing to count down to, i agree. The only difference is i am trying to write a "journal" per say to count down 524 days of not falling into the trap of the "normal" the desire to down the prescription; the north american pill, the desire to settle, to conform and to become... well, to become a mother, a wife, a worker, to allow the Big 30 to be a big bar that slams down on me with every fleeting minute, suffocating my every thought that i haven't done enough, loved enough, lived enough or settled enough.
I have found myself in a unique situation where all i have ever wanted was to be married, have one or two kids and a fairly average career by 30. Well... here is the kicker, 30 is 524 days a way, a little less than a year and a half. I am married and divorced, no kids, no average career (quiet the opposite) and no boyfriend, husband, lover.... Tick Tock. Up until this past week i had committed to myself to find the scenario mentioned above and settle, have a family and live the all American dream... Back Up! To be quiet frank and very honest i actually had been saving for Invetro (You say crazy.. i say resourceful) .. you see, i have determined in this day and age my options are limited for men, and if i was going to have kids (the kids i so patiently have been dreaming of, wanting, hoping and missing out on) i would have to do it myself. The only thing is, me being the non traditional, i can do it myself and i don't need a man to create my dreams type of girl.. Invetro seemed like my ticket... The date was going to be October of this coming year (2013). That was the plan anyways. It would ensure the baby would come before my 30th birthday.. that was until , well... i woke up.
This blog is going to be my every week reminder of how i won't give in not only to social norms, but to the idea that if i don't have a child before 30 i will be let down, an outcast, some kind of freak...
I would like to note here that having kids and a family before 30 seems to be highly North American ideal, i recently was on a trip to Italy and the average person there doesn't marry until 35 and have kids until around that age as well.. The downside to that is its the men who are 35 marrying 23 year olds.. go figure.
I recently let go of the love of my life, or the idea of him anyways, a girl can only wait so long.. 4 years seemed like a good time to walk away. This was very difficult.. you see, i am not sure if i even believe love exists anymore (typical statement) but seriously. I seem to find myself in the situation where i am the girl that all guys want to date, but not marry. I am the outgoing, independent, make my own living, loves to travel (even alone) and can do everything myself type of girl... seems like a catch RIGHT? ... WRONG.... all men want to date that, but they want to marry a very caring, loving, always home, always needing, always nurturing, not so free thinking type of woman... I know whoever is reading this is thinking (give your head a shake lady) but despite your best efforts to make me feel otherwise i TRULY and FIRMLY believe this statement to be true. Not only do i think it, but i have been told it by the last 3 relationships i have been in. "You are such a great girl Jenny, and any guys would be so lucky, your the smartest most assertive girl i know, but i just... well the thing is, i never imagined id marry someone like you. I'm sorry" ... thats the moment i think "Why wasn't i born a man"... anyway thats for another day.
So i have made a decision to myself this next 524 days well be ... Operation change the norm for 30 and DO NOT settle.. Do not Settle for a man you don't really love, a child you aren't ready for, a career you don't love, a location you can't stand or friends that aren't real..
I start my life "Cleansing" today.. i have washed away the baggage that has been dragging me down, including all of the clothes and dirt piling up in my house i do not need and i am going simple.. i am keeping it simple.
My goal, By 30... well you will have to wait and see... this is going to be 524 days to change the last 28 years that have been hammered into me to live and be a certain way.. well.. here we go... Change.
Passanger -Let her go
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch, oh it dies
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
Well you let her go
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Until next time...
Jenny
Let me introduce the concept of my blog... or first.. let me say that i have now listened to the song Passenger -Let her go ,on repeat for the last 3 hours... lets say that is the start to this blog. Letting go.
The big count down, to the big 30. This seems like a average thing to count down to, i agree. The only difference is i am trying to write a "journal" per say to count down 524 days of not falling into the trap of the "normal" the desire to down the prescription; the north american pill, the desire to settle, to conform and to become... well, to become a mother, a wife, a worker, to allow the Big 30 to be a big bar that slams down on me with every fleeting minute, suffocating my every thought that i haven't done enough, loved enough, lived enough or settled enough.
I have found myself in a unique situation where all i have ever wanted was to be married, have one or two kids and a fairly average career by 30. Well... here is the kicker, 30 is 524 days a way, a little less than a year and a half. I am married and divorced, no kids, no average career (quiet the opposite) and no boyfriend, husband, lover.... Tick Tock. Up until this past week i had committed to myself to find the scenario mentioned above and settle, have a family and live the all American dream... Back Up! To be quiet frank and very honest i actually had been saving for Invetro (You say crazy.. i say resourceful) .. you see, i have determined in this day and age my options are limited for men, and if i was going to have kids (the kids i so patiently have been dreaming of, wanting, hoping and missing out on) i would have to do it myself. The only thing is, me being the non traditional, i can do it myself and i don't need a man to create my dreams type of girl.. Invetro seemed like my ticket... The date was going to be October of this coming year (2013). That was the plan anyways. It would ensure the baby would come before my 30th birthday.. that was until , well... i woke up.
This blog is going to be my every week reminder of how i won't give in not only to social norms, but to the idea that if i don't have a child before 30 i will be let down, an outcast, some kind of freak...
I would like to note here that having kids and a family before 30 seems to be highly North American ideal, i recently was on a trip to Italy and the average person there doesn't marry until 35 and have kids until around that age as well.. The downside to that is its the men who are 35 marrying 23 year olds.. go figure.
I recently let go of the love of my life, or the idea of him anyways, a girl can only wait so long.. 4 years seemed like a good time to walk away. This was very difficult.. you see, i am not sure if i even believe love exists anymore (typical statement) but seriously. I seem to find myself in the situation where i am the girl that all guys want to date, but not marry. I am the outgoing, independent, make my own living, loves to travel (even alone) and can do everything myself type of girl... seems like a catch RIGHT? ... WRONG.... all men want to date that, but they want to marry a very caring, loving, always home, always needing, always nurturing, not so free thinking type of woman... I know whoever is reading this is thinking (give your head a shake lady) but despite your best efforts to make me feel otherwise i TRULY and FIRMLY believe this statement to be true. Not only do i think it, but i have been told it by the last 3 relationships i have been in. "You are such a great girl Jenny, and any guys would be so lucky, your the smartest most assertive girl i know, but i just... well the thing is, i never imagined id marry someone like you. I'm sorry" ... thats the moment i think "Why wasn't i born a man"... anyway thats for another day.
So i have made a decision to myself this next 524 days well be ... Operation change the norm for 30 and DO NOT settle.. Do not Settle for a man you don't really love, a child you aren't ready for, a career you don't love, a location you can't stand or friends that aren't real..
I start my life "Cleansing" today.. i have washed away the baggage that has been dragging me down, including all of the clothes and dirt piling up in my house i do not need and i am going simple.. i am keeping it simple.
My goal, By 30... well you will have to wait and see... this is going to be 524 days to change the last 28 years that have been hammered into me to live and be a certain way.. well.. here we go... Change.
Passanger -Let her go
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch, oh it dies
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
Well you let her go
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Until next time...
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