Day 472 - Sweet Nothing

I still feel it, when I close my eyes. The way his touch feels on my skin, the way his smell engulfed my senses when he held me.. just  like that.. He was a mix of grape cigarillos, pine, fresh air and old spice.. to me, an intoxicating mix. Sometimes (most times)  when I'm lying alone, I still picture his arm around my waist, the look of his hands, the hair on his arms, the freckles on his wrist.. and for a minute, just one, I believe he is actually there, I feel safe, as only he could provide this comfort..

But the reality is, my comfort is gone, what has replaced this is the unknown, the great big unknown , I am here. .. But, he is not.

Its days like this, when my moments are not filled up, where my time is free and I haven't managed like i try too, to occupy every second.. heaven forbid i ever stop to breath, for when i do , i am open to  lurking emotions that don't ever really go away. This is when he creeps in, this is when i allow it to take over. I have this deep rooted aching inside of me, its an aching that only he can understand and only i can know. Its an aching developed through a bond that should have been stronger than all of the years of life and the weathering of time.. but it wasn't.

So it aches... so painfully at times and there is a hallow in me now.. No number of men, dates, yoga classes, gym sessions, good books or adventures away have managed to fill or subdue this. Sometimes I hate him for this feeling, other times i love him for allowing me to feel such deep love for another.. even when it was not returned. The absence of him re organizes my entire existence.. as I had imagined only an existence with him. Even now, my mind drifts there often, and for a moment I feel so utterly disappointed.

Have I moved on, yes... But do we ever forget the ones who leave without a reason, without an understanding, when we knew so deep inside of ourselves that this was right.. for us, but not for them.

I question the purpose of why we had to meet. Why i had to spend countless years missing him, travelling to him, leaving him, ultimatums, lost lives, love, days, minutes.. for what.. One argument, and no call back, no answer.. and as soon as he came, infected me with his brilliance, he left..  The leaving indicated he felt i deserved better.. he would never use the word brilliance to describe himself.. simple, humble, hard working.. not brilliant.. but he was. I just hope one day the aching will stop, and I can fill the aching with a different kind of desire.. one less blinded by love and loss.

So I find myself, starting a new.. and I'm living on such sweet nothing (You know this tune).  I have put my faith, into something unknown.. and I'm living on such sweet nothing. Such sweet, sweet, nothing....

I look at my ego a lot in this deep aching. Do i only miss him, because he didn't want me? Is it the desire to conquer and to win, not the actual outcome of the win?... I'm certain this must have something to do with it. When someone leaves you, and you aren't doing the leaving.. I think it isn't easy to let it go. My journey to day 500, is to let this ego go. This ego that has me wanting and urning for loves lost and days passed.. its the ego in all of us that is the cause of missed opportunity, wasted moments and countless heartache...

So here I am , rocking out to Florence.. and IM LIVING ON SUCH SWEET NOTHING... and its sweet, because its mine.. and i will turn this sweet nothing into an amazing something... but for now.. I close my eyes, and there he is.. Fuck.


Until next time...

Jenny

Day 481 - The humanity of it all

Today like any other day off has been filled with Wonderful coffee dates with friends (I'm almost on date number three with one of my favourite ladies), the coffee levels are at a all time high and the amount of Energy coursing through my veins can be compared to that of an alcoholic hitting back to back open Bars events during Christmas season... I'm running on full and I'm about to crash, but i just can't stop because it tastes soooooo Goood!

So as I'm dropping off friend Number two to briefly meet friend number 3 before a meeting with my accountant (You say busy day, I say lets plan every minute and make it count! I am trying my best to re connect with my friends and sometimes its hard, so I just say to hell with it and jam pack a day hour to hour and breath in a wealth of life from all that is out there in the friendship world.. I love my friends and there stories and this form of jam packed "Catching up" further inspires me to live, love and laugh)

So as I was saying (breathe, too much coffee).. I was driving with my friend rocking out to the new tunes i had recently acquired on my IPOD when I offered up the choice for the guy to change it to some other artist. I should pre cursor this by telling you this is a very well mannered, kinds, soft spoken man.. so, He starts wheeling through the songs, unsure of his choice hoping to pick a good one and what comes blasting through the speakers Blood hound gangs "Balls Out".. haha The look on his face as the words came through the speakers was priceless.. It reminded me of several times in my life when a guy is trying to be suppppperr smooth, well and the result is less than smooth and more like out right... AWESOME.

I thought for a good laugh, an understanding that we are ALL only human, and we all have stupid shit happen to us on the regular, we could look back and reflect and enjoy the fact that no one is perfect.

This fun packed life rewind will start with a time that i was invited to fly out West to meet a guy i had been dating in secret.. (why date in secret you ask.. well that's a whole other blog post.. but to sum it up in one sentence, this guy was in the "TV" business and had to pretend to be in a relationship with his ex when really he lived in a loft on the other side of town.. that should of been sign number 1 that he was no good... secret relationships.. those days are DONE)... ok back on track. So here i am , in this beautiful city , infatuated with this lovely man.. He gets an idea to go for a wonderful stroll in a park near the ocean. I am basking in the sun , loving life, feeling blessed.. than all of a sudden he picks up pace and starts walking off the path.. He is forcing a smile , I can tell something is wrong, but not sure what. He keeps the convo going,walking briskly zig zagging all over the damn place.. i notice the beads of sweat forming on his face as he is bee lining it for the road.. That's when it hits him.. and me. As he bend over in agony , it was in that moment i realized, this poor man just shit his pants.... You know, its moments like this that I like to put myself in the other persons shoes. I tried my best to act like i didn't notice and played it as cool as possible.. Funny thing, didn't stop me from liking the guy, if anything made it that much more comfortable..

Another beauty would be the time I was in Vancouver with a lovely man that i had recently just started hanging out with, i was headed there to accompany him to a work function at night. We hadn't got to a point where we were super "intimate" and were staying in a hotel together. So things got a little heated as you can imagine in between the event and the evening festivities, This man, bless his heart tried to lean in to undo my Bra and BAM... head butted me so hard i almost passed out. Then the lump formed.. this HUGE, Egg right above my eyebrow. HAHAHA I'm bursting laughing just writing this. Can you imagine the horror on the mans face when my eye started to swell up and I'm laughing hysterically. Not to mention within the hour we are suppose to be out with his coworkers partying.. Frig!

My personal favourite would be recently on a trip where a man was trying to Whooo me... we are in passionate embrace, clothes are flying (boy I sound a bit like a hussy here.. I'm not.. honestly), we are both highly under the influence of far to many glasses of Vino,  this guy has his pants around his ankles *get your mind out of the gutter* and is leaning forward to kiss me, i notice he starts to sway slightly, I'm not sure if it was the wine, the fact his pants were like skinny jeans and were stuck around his legs or a combination of the both, but he proceeds to fall ass backwards with some serious force, lands on a table (breaks it), lamp goes flying and he is staring up at me in bewilderment and I am just in shock, and LAUGHING my friggen ass off. This is romance people.. these are the moments that make me realize at the best of times that it doesn't get any more Human than this. I have grown to love the perfect imperfections of people. If they didn't exist, if moments like this didn't happen, i think i would fear that its too perfect and too fake. I need moments like this to fall for a guy. I actually Require them..haha

Of course Men aren't the only culprits here. I have had my fair share of embarrassing moments in a relationship as do all of us. I would say that its how we come back from these moments that makes or breaks the situation, its also how we react to them that can matter most. I love to think back on stuff like this because it gives me a good laugh. Its always the moments where we think someone is so called "perfect" that life opens up opportunities like the above to show that "perfect" does not exist, only real does. One thing i know for sure, I Love real  : )

So, Feel free to comment on this post and SHARE your funny experiences if you would like. I would love to hear them, as I'm sure would the rest of my my blog readers.

Until next time....

Jenny

Day 483 - San Valentino

Well, i haven't posted in a while.. mostly because lately my life has been a whirl wind of change and I haven't had a chance. In the last two weeks I have left one of my steady jobs with a good client to try and build up my business and move in the direction I had originally intended(Big exhale as I try not to panic). Mix that with making a new (BFF) recently that has me on great adventures like actually enjoying my weekends to hit the slopes boarding, add training for Competition season where I now work out a hefty 6 days a week 2 hours a day... well you can only imagine. (ok i sound like I'm complaining.. sorry) But I am happy to be back at  it, writing on the ol'blog.

So, I have somewhat successfully made it now 40 whole days date free. haha. Sounds like not very much when I look at it like that.. but it really is. I can't say I have fully behaved the entire 40 days (Common we single ladies/men all have a little black book.. and if we don't we surely haven't been living life to its fullest)  , but hey.. I'm only human. Its hard sometimes when your lonely, and the little black book is like online shopping with 24 hours delivery service.. haha wow..  Either way I am still happily relationship free and feeling better than ever!

So, as you can tell by the title of this blog, i wanted to reflect a little on the most wonderful day for those in relationships, and potentially the most dreaded for those who are not... Valentines. Ah, lovely little red holiday. I can't say I hated it this year or any year really.. i try my hardest not to celebrate it to be honest. But still. there was that little part of me that felt the slight twinge of disappointment as the day neared.

Im not sure why we need to have holidays like this... actually retract that, i do understand when I'm in a relationship why.. its a GREAT opportunity for the unromantic men in the world to throw the romance bliss our way.. But then its over, romance dead and life back to normal... how utterly depressing.

Below is a little snip it from Wikipedia on the true reason for Valentines

"St. Valentine's Day began as a liturgical celebration of one or more early Christian saints namedValentinus. The most popular martyrology associated with Saint Valentine was that he was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians, who were persecuted under the Roman Empire; during his imprisonment, he is said to have healed the daughter of his jailer Asterius. Legend states that before his execution he wrote her a letter "from your Valentine" as a farewell"

I am unsure why it hadn't dawned on me until now to google this. How romantic.. soldier marrying secretly, valentines farewell letters.. If only the world really operated this way.. oh wait, it does.

When my sister first met her husband I was in my late teens. I remember he use to tree plant away and would be gone several months at a time. To keep the flame alight he would actually hand write her REAL letters. I use to roll over with disgust at how corny i thought this gesture was. I mean, the man wrote her a letter, Every, SINGLE day that he was away from here for the 2 summers in a row he was gone. He was very old school, he courted her. Looking back on this i find it truly amazing that someone, even this man would do something so simple, yet so profound. (And we all sit and wonder why they have such a strong marriage now and the rest of us don't..) He declared his commitment to her every day, block by block solidifying the stones that would one day build the now Solid foundation they happily rest upon. 

I feel sometimes like Chivalry and simple romantic gestures such as the above, are being lost... lost to lack of time, lack of "quality time, lack of love, increased stress, and maybe a overall lack of trying in relationships. We have entered a day and age of what i like to call the "convenience" if its not easy, and its not convenient and it takes even small amounts of effort, we don't do it... This even applies to relationships.. and we wonder why divorce is so high.

I couldn't even imagine another human being writing me a hand written letter. E-mail is so readily available, text.. hell we barely even call people anymore. Imagine a real letter. A letter that identifies through the stroke of the pen, depth of the ink, twist of the words ones true feelings, ones words, once voice.. really, written words. The idea of holding the latter between my fingers, smelling it, breathing in its inky earthiness..(I am old at heart for sure ) The very idea sends tingles up  my arms.

I think this may be the only way i would consider dating someone (yet another crazy rule) after this 500 days is up. I want to be courted, and i want letters. I want someone who actually has something meaningful enough to say that they put the effort into written words, into walking to the mail box, into sending the letter and maybe just... getting a little excited that there could be a potential response. That's romantic.

So for anyone out there reading this, i implore you to give it a shot.. Write a letter to someone you care about, signed, sealed and delivered.  I think you would be amazed at what a simple gesture, like real, written words could do to someone you love, or someone who secretly loves you.

In keeping with the traditions of my previous blogs and my overall self discovery. I wrote a poem for Valentines. I wrote it for a special person... hopefully one day this poem will become that person when I'm ready and my cup will runnith over.

Rosso

I enjoy breathing you in, your full bodied aroma engulfing my senses

The excitement builds as I catch your scent, a perfume of a deep and bold nature.

Your smoothness sits lingering on my lips, even now, as I drink you in

An unexpected blend, you fell upon me, and I delicately and deliciously unwrapped you.

Your varietal is of a nature I have never known, dark and multi layered.

As you float over my being, my temperature rises , penetrating me to the core

With fierce expectation I come back to you, for I desire you, to the very last drop

I dare not tamper with nor change you, as you are a spirit, of which I will always want more.

Until next time...

Jenny

Day 495 - Thy will be done

So in the process of writing this blog I hadn't really thought people would read it. I'm shocked to actually see the amount of people (world wide) that are reading and responding to it. Its nice to think that we all have similar experiences no matter where we are in the world, and we are all suffering through trials and tribulations on somewhat of the same plane.
Recently i had someone write me relating to one of my posts when i was having an off night listening to that Bonnie Riatt song "i can't make you love me". Similar to my experiences, this person had found shelter, or sorrow in this same song when a lover walked away. 

Its so hard in life to love someone who turns to you one day and tells you they never loved you, and than they leave. this individual mentioned how it amazed them how much "physical pain" a heart can bear. I too think its amazing how much physical pain our hearts can bear. I find it interesting our abilities to feel such pain in retro spect usually over someone who does not deserve it, its even harder to love someone when they don't love you back. the funny thing about love though, is it truly should be unconditional. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love deeply tell you they just don't love you.. even harder yet to listen to it, and take a step forward, further away from that persons with every passing day, and that love you had thought was mutual but was not.

I feel like the only thing we can learn from situation like this, is that our love, and the giving of love is truly special and not to be thrown away to people who do no deserve it. Having our hearts break only allows us to build it stronger and more capable of loving greater, deeper and broader.I truly believe we go through different forms and stages of suffering for a reason. Generally its because we are at a point in our lives , we are comfortable, stagnant, whether you believe in god or not,  i am not sure but i believe when we experience suffering its because we are settling for a life, individual, path that is not what was intended for us, and we are loosing sight of what is really important for us as an individual and what we are meant to achieve.

so i hope for this individual, as myself, since walking away from that unreciprocated love you are working towards your full potential as an individual and building your hearts up to love with fierce greatness in the future! 

I recently read a book by Paulo Coelho " The Fifth Mountain" ,Below is a insert to me that spoke volumes around this subject. He can speak to the soul far better than I can : 

" Every human being at some time had tragedy enter his life ; it might be the destruction of a city, the death of a son, an unproved accusation, a sickness that left one lame forever , (a lost love). At that moment, God challenged one to confront Him and to answer His question : "Why dost thou cling fast to an existence so short and so filled with suffering? what is the meaning of thy struggle ? "

The man who did not know how to answer this question would  resign himself, while another, one who sought a meaning to existence, feeling that God had been unjust, would challenge his own destiny. It was at this moment that fire of a different type descended from the heavens - not the fire that kills but the kind that tears down ancient walls and imparts to each human being his true possibilities. 

Cowards never allow their hearts to blaze with this fire ; all they desire is for the changed situation to quickly return to what it was before, so they can go on living their lives and thinking in their customary way. The BRAVE, however, set afire that which was old and, even at the cost of great internal suffering, abandon everything, including God (at times), and continue onward.


"The brave are always stubborn"


From heaven, God smiles contentedly, for it was this that HE desired, that each person take into his hands the responsibility for his own life. For, in the final analysis, He had given His children the greatest of all gifts; the capacity to choose and determine their acts. 

Only those men and women with the sacred flame in their hearts had the courage to confront HIM.  and they alone knew the path back to His love, for they understood the that tragedy was not punishment, but challenge. "

 To me, nothing could me more true. There is no greater injustice in life than to live an existence that does not challenge the mind, heart and spirit to grow towards something greater than ones own self. We are meant to live, not just sustain. 

I leave with you my favourite poem. I did not write it, but it clings to my heart :

INVICTUS


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."



Until next time...Jenny  
  

Day 498 - I am not your rolling Wheel

Its funny how you can listen to a song, read a poem , a saying, anything and its a complete foreshadow of whats to come in the day, week, month..

This, for me was yesterday. Audio Slave " I am the Highway"

I am so disappointed in myself. This was what ran through my mind as the tears welled up in my eyes (seems like i cry a lot lately. But do not mistake these tears for sadness, it was utter anger). This is what i thought over and over as the storm grew. I watched my self fall into this train wreck knowingly. That's what happens when you don't use your judgement. That's what happens when you let the "idea" of something sweep over you, you let old feelings of love take over the feelings of hurt and you ignore that voice in side of you yelling NO, DON'T ANSWER IT , you watch that voice say NO, DON'T SAY YES, you watch that voice inside of you say NO,DO NOT GET EXCITED.. because it knows. It sees the signs and it has witnessed the end result before it happens, the big , stupid, completely avoidable wreck. What train wreck you ask?

Well you know a few blogs back, when I mentioned the ex that had called to let me know he was moving to Calgary... The same one that left me high and dry after we were "house shopping". Changed his mind at the last minute. This one, well this was one of the ones i truly had seen myself settling down with. Not compromising even. I really did love him, I just unfortunately did not fit into his picture. This is completely fine. We are only human and should do whats best for us. I think its the tact a person uses that matters most, not why they are doing the leaving. This man, with me, lacked Tact (sorry).

Well, back to the point. This same individual that I told not to call me when he moved here, because i could not be his friend. I even went as far as reminding him "why would i want to be friends with someone that used me , lied to me, than left me.. who wants that?" . Well this lovely man, god bless his heart thought it wise to ignore my request and there i am , sitting at work, happy, minding my own business and my phone rings. I see the caller ID. I have a war with my inner self as to whether i answer or not. .. She has me in a vice grip, I'm struggling, i see the phone ringing, I'm reaching out with all my might and i flip my inner self, pile drive her into the ground like a crazy lady on black Friday at Macy's and grab the phone.. why? Because I am straight stupid, a sucker for punishment, or... human.

Either way the phone call leads to another internal battle. To meet for a drink, or to not meet for a drink.. I mean we all know this is a horrible idea, but i convince myself, whats the harm.. in just one... drink...RIGHT.

 Hell i knew it was a horrible idea. Whats worse is i thought that the call , the persistence meant this man still loved me. I had it in my head that all i had to do was look extra sexy (you know, the hell yes i look this good and you left this why? sort of thing.. silly). Well i figured if i could look good enough, be fun and funny enough and interesting enough over drinks, maybe he would miss me. I even went as far to think that to hell with the 500 days, maybe this man will get back with me, we will fall back in love and have all the babies i don't even want right now... WHAT THE F^%$ WAS I THINKING?

So  , this is when it all unravels. .. as it always does when we go against our inner spirits guidance. Here i am, having a drink across from this beautiful, tall, manly, blue eyed , wonderful.. ill stop there.. Man. (He is number 1 from my list of men i should not date, of course) I am laughing, we are talking like old times, all of those old, wonderful feelings come rushing back.. I forget of course all of the tragedy and hurt. I actually start feeling like maybe he is looking at me like he still loves me, maybe he will ask me to go home with him (hahahah ... right..). Then, for reasons unknown to myself, i get this feeling to ask. Why the hell i ask this, i don't know, but i do. "Are you seeing someone". Well, what do you think?

This guy proceeds to go into some detail as to the new girl he is seeing and how its good and this and that.. this is where the tears start. I am so disappointed in myself. what i don't understand, is what kind of person does this?

What kind of man, or women for that matter in the world thinks A) calling up an ex to just be buddies after leaving them in a horrible way is right, B) Dating someone but taking an ex out for drinks is ok? C) Mixing these two and talking to an ex about your amazing new girlfriend? WTF?!!

So, needless to say I was taken back by this. I was not in tears because i was sad, i was in tears because i was mad. Also because i should of expected this. This is typical behaviour for this person. To think i actually almost thought to give up 500 days of awesomeness for 50 mins (probably 15) of ... MEH. because that's what it would of been in the end.

The worst part is when you confront this type of person with a "why the hell did you call me, invite me out, and make me feel this way when you have a girlfriend? why the heck would you call me when i asked you not to and made it clear i don't want to be your friend.. do you not remember, you LEFT"

and there response.. " I dunno, i never really thought of it that way".. Ah, that's just the point. 

To me, this is the problem. All to often we do not think of other people when we make decisions. we are all culprits of this. We make the decision based on our feelings or wants, vs. how it may affect other people. This is something i try very hard not to do.

Anyways. I am disappointed that i ever let this person have power over me and my life and my heart. I think we all know what its like to allow someone power over us. To manipulate our wants, even our thoughts and actions. Sometimes when it comes to Love or the Idea of it, we act irrationally, we make decisions that we know are wrong. Its like we loose all sense of right or wrong.

I will NOT be making this mistake again. 498 days and counting. Learning every day as i go. Im thankful for this experience because if anything, it just has reaffirmed to me that i am doing the right thing in my quest.

I AM NOT YOUR ROLLING WHEEL... I AM THE HIGHWAY!!  ( never forget it)

Until next time..

Jenny