Day 495 - Thy will be done

So in the process of writing this blog I hadn't really thought people would read it. I'm shocked to actually see the amount of people (world wide) that are reading and responding to it. Its nice to think that we all have similar experiences no matter where we are in the world, and we are all suffering through trials and tribulations on somewhat of the same plane.
Recently i had someone write me relating to one of my posts when i was having an off night listening to that Bonnie Riatt song "i can't make you love me". Similar to my experiences, this person had found shelter, or sorrow in this same song when a lover walked away. 

Its so hard in life to love someone who turns to you one day and tells you they never loved you, and than they leave. this individual mentioned how it amazed them how much "physical pain" a heart can bear. I too think its amazing how much physical pain our hearts can bear. I find it interesting our abilities to feel such pain in retro spect usually over someone who does not deserve it, its even harder to love someone when they don't love you back. the funny thing about love though, is it truly should be unconditional. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love deeply tell you they just don't love you.. even harder yet to listen to it, and take a step forward, further away from that persons with every passing day, and that love you had thought was mutual but was not.

I feel like the only thing we can learn from situation like this, is that our love, and the giving of love is truly special and not to be thrown away to people who do no deserve it. Having our hearts break only allows us to build it stronger and more capable of loving greater, deeper and broader.I truly believe we go through different forms and stages of suffering for a reason. Generally its because we are at a point in our lives , we are comfortable, stagnant, whether you believe in god or not,  i am not sure but i believe when we experience suffering its because we are settling for a life, individual, path that is not what was intended for us, and we are loosing sight of what is really important for us as an individual and what we are meant to achieve.

so i hope for this individual, as myself, since walking away from that unreciprocated love you are working towards your full potential as an individual and building your hearts up to love with fierce greatness in the future! 

I recently read a book by Paulo Coelho " The Fifth Mountain" ,Below is a insert to me that spoke volumes around this subject. He can speak to the soul far better than I can : 

" Every human being at some time had tragedy enter his life ; it might be the destruction of a city, the death of a son, an unproved accusation, a sickness that left one lame forever , (a lost love). At that moment, God challenged one to confront Him and to answer His question : "Why dost thou cling fast to an existence so short and so filled with suffering? what is the meaning of thy struggle ? "

The man who did not know how to answer this question would  resign himself, while another, one who sought a meaning to existence, feeling that God had been unjust, would challenge his own destiny. It was at this moment that fire of a different type descended from the heavens - not the fire that kills but the kind that tears down ancient walls and imparts to each human being his true possibilities. 

Cowards never allow their hearts to blaze with this fire ; all they desire is for the changed situation to quickly return to what it was before, so they can go on living their lives and thinking in their customary way. The BRAVE, however, set afire that which was old and, even at the cost of great internal suffering, abandon everything, including God (at times), and continue onward.


"The brave are always stubborn"


From heaven, God smiles contentedly, for it was this that HE desired, that each person take into his hands the responsibility for his own life. For, in the final analysis, He had given His children the greatest of all gifts; the capacity to choose and determine their acts. 

Only those men and women with the sacred flame in their hearts had the courage to confront HIM.  and they alone knew the path back to His love, for they understood the that tragedy was not punishment, but challenge. "

 To me, nothing could me more true. There is no greater injustice in life than to live an existence that does not challenge the mind, heart and spirit to grow towards something greater than ones own self. We are meant to live, not just sustain. 

I leave with you my favourite poem. I did not write it, but it clings to my heart :

INVICTUS


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."



Until next time...Jenny  
  

Day 498 - I am not your rolling Wheel

Its funny how you can listen to a song, read a poem , a saying, anything and its a complete foreshadow of whats to come in the day, week, month..

This, for me was yesterday. Audio Slave " I am the Highway"

I am so disappointed in myself. This was what ran through my mind as the tears welled up in my eyes (seems like i cry a lot lately. But do not mistake these tears for sadness, it was utter anger). This is what i thought over and over as the storm grew. I watched my self fall into this train wreck knowingly. That's what happens when you don't use your judgement. That's what happens when you let the "idea" of something sweep over you, you let old feelings of love take over the feelings of hurt and you ignore that voice in side of you yelling NO, DON'T ANSWER IT , you watch that voice say NO, DON'T SAY YES, you watch that voice inside of you say NO,DO NOT GET EXCITED.. because it knows. It sees the signs and it has witnessed the end result before it happens, the big , stupid, completely avoidable wreck. What train wreck you ask?

Well you know a few blogs back, when I mentioned the ex that had called to let me know he was moving to Calgary... The same one that left me high and dry after we were "house shopping". Changed his mind at the last minute. This one, well this was one of the ones i truly had seen myself settling down with. Not compromising even. I really did love him, I just unfortunately did not fit into his picture. This is completely fine. We are only human and should do whats best for us. I think its the tact a person uses that matters most, not why they are doing the leaving. This man, with me, lacked Tact (sorry).

Well, back to the point. This same individual that I told not to call me when he moved here, because i could not be his friend. I even went as far as reminding him "why would i want to be friends with someone that used me , lied to me, than left me.. who wants that?" . Well this lovely man, god bless his heart thought it wise to ignore my request and there i am , sitting at work, happy, minding my own business and my phone rings. I see the caller ID. I have a war with my inner self as to whether i answer or not. .. She has me in a vice grip, I'm struggling, i see the phone ringing, I'm reaching out with all my might and i flip my inner self, pile drive her into the ground like a crazy lady on black Friday at Macy's and grab the phone.. why? Because I am straight stupid, a sucker for punishment, or... human.

Either way the phone call leads to another internal battle. To meet for a drink, or to not meet for a drink.. I mean we all know this is a horrible idea, but i convince myself, whats the harm.. in just one... drink...RIGHT.

 Hell i knew it was a horrible idea. Whats worse is i thought that the call , the persistence meant this man still loved me. I had it in my head that all i had to do was look extra sexy (you know, the hell yes i look this good and you left this why? sort of thing.. silly). Well i figured if i could look good enough, be fun and funny enough and interesting enough over drinks, maybe he would miss me. I even went as far to think that to hell with the 500 days, maybe this man will get back with me, we will fall back in love and have all the babies i don't even want right now... WHAT THE F^%$ WAS I THINKING?

So  , this is when it all unravels. .. as it always does when we go against our inner spirits guidance. Here i am, having a drink across from this beautiful, tall, manly, blue eyed , wonderful.. ill stop there.. Man. (He is number 1 from my list of men i should not date, of course) I am laughing, we are talking like old times, all of those old, wonderful feelings come rushing back.. I forget of course all of the tragedy and hurt. I actually start feeling like maybe he is looking at me like he still loves me, maybe he will ask me to go home with him (hahahah ... right..). Then, for reasons unknown to myself, i get this feeling to ask. Why the hell i ask this, i don't know, but i do. "Are you seeing someone". Well, what do you think?

This guy proceeds to go into some detail as to the new girl he is seeing and how its good and this and that.. this is where the tears start. I am so disappointed in myself. what i don't understand, is what kind of person does this?

What kind of man, or women for that matter in the world thinks A) calling up an ex to just be buddies after leaving them in a horrible way is right, B) Dating someone but taking an ex out for drinks is ok? C) Mixing these two and talking to an ex about your amazing new girlfriend? WTF?!!

So, needless to say I was taken back by this. I was not in tears because i was sad, i was in tears because i was mad. Also because i should of expected this. This is typical behaviour for this person. To think i actually almost thought to give up 500 days of awesomeness for 50 mins (probably 15) of ... MEH. because that's what it would of been in the end.

The worst part is when you confront this type of person with a "why the hell did you call me, invite me out, and make me feel this way when you have a girlfriend? why the heck would you call me when i asked you not to and made it clear i don't want to be your friend.. do you not remember, you LEFT"

and there response.. " I dunno, i never really thought of it that way".. Ah, that's just the point. 

To me, this is the problem. All to often we do not think of other people when we make decisions. we are all culprits of this. We make the decision based on our feelings or wants, vs. how it may affect other people. This is something i try very hard not to do.

Anyways. I am disappointed that i ever let this person have power over me and my life and my heart. I think we all know what its like to allow someone power over us. To manipulate our wants, even our thoughts and actions. Sometimes when it comes to Love or the Idea of it, we act irrationally, we make decisions that we know are wrong. Its like we loose all sense of right or wrong.

I will NOT be making this mistake again. 498 days and counting. Learning every day as i go. Im thankful for this experience because if anything, it just has reaffirmed to me that i am doing the right thing in my quest.

I AM NOT YOUR ROLLING WHEEL... I AM THE HIGHWAY!!  ( never forget it)

Until next time..

Jenny

Day 500- stuck on repeat

I know i have already posted today.. but sometimes i just have to let it out. This is my journal , this is my therapy, and its for me.. so why am i apologizing anyways? 


I here the song end , and i hit repeat.. again, and again and again. Maybe i like to torcher myself, I'm not sure. I have flash backs to my childhood, the first time my dad left. My mom crying. Its difficult you know. We relate songs, smells, pictures to moments we want to forget, than we see those triggers and get pulled into them, like a fierce undertow.

And so she sings....  " I can't make you love me , if you won't. I can't make your heart feel, something it won't" and i play it again, on repeat. I play it as he packs and leaves (My dad). I play it on repeat.. which i can only imagine, now, that I'm older.. how hard that must of been for her. This i feel ever sorry for. Then, i play it again when i drive away from my husband, my slave lake lover, my Saskatchewan bad boy... Maybe thats where it all starts. Our view on relationships, life, love... But for me it started with her , Bonnie Raitt.. on repeat.


I sat after writing my last blog listening to this over and over. Im not sure why, i came across it on youtube. Maybe it has been all the self realization and blogging about my past relationships and failures, but Almost like drugs the song, it wafts over me, consumes me, the song swallows me whole. It takes me from a good mood, a happy day , into this dark, lonely, sad place. It brings back the root of my doubt in marriage, men, love... I mean, we don't develop our "Ideals" or " Expectations" on love from thin air. We are moulded into this. Through our parents, our early age life experiences. I always wonder, maybe had he not left that first time, or maybe the second even.. maybe had he thought she, (we) were worth fighting for.. working on, maybe had things been different, maybe had i not been such a young, impressionable women at the time, would i be different, would i have tried harder..

Hell, would i still be married? (good god i hope not.. no offence scott) this song needs to be turned off, I'm talking nonsense. still married.. could i even imagine... thats just it, sometimes i do. It wasn't all bad... .


But i don't dwell on that.. I try not to bring the past into my present decisions. But one can't help but wonder.

I have spent my life believing i can overcome most things in life. I have had my fair share of tragedies, heart aches, losses, change.. I always try to learn from it.. step forward, try harder, be wiser and not repeat my mistakes.

But like Bonnie Raitt, i am stuck on repeat with some things, at least until recently.

I know my blogs have been talking a lot about relationships lately, or my problems. But thats the point. You need to address the issues before you can move past them. I just choose to do it in a very open, out there sort of way. If you knew me, you wouldn't expect anything less..


And she keeps singing to me , her tragic lullaby.. the theme song to my teenage years, my early twenties, and hopefully not my early 30's.

I should note here, my folks are not divorced and are back together and happily married. figured that should be mentioned, sometimes it just takes people 2,4,6 times to break up before they figure it out. My folks really took the old saying "practice makes perfect" to heart ; ) god love them.

"Music lights the fire, before the mind can understand what the heart has already witnessed, the soul dancing, the fire building".

I know, every single person who reads this, will relate to the lyrics below. If you have loved, or lost that is..

Turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices, inside my head

Lay down with me,
tell me no lies
just hold me closely
dont patronize, dont patronize... me

cause i can't make you love me
if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
something that it won't

and here in the dark
in these finally hours
i will lay down my heart
and i will feel the power

but you won't..
no you won't.

cause i can't make you love me
when you don't
when you don't...

i close my eyes
cause than i won't see
the love you don't feel
when your holding me

morning will come
and ill do whats right
just give me till than
to give up this fight

and i will give up this fight...

cause i can't make you love me
if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
something that it won't

and here in the dark
in these final hours
i will lay down my heart
and i will feel that power

but you won't..
no you won't..

cause i can't make you love me..
when you don't.
when you don't....

Bonnie Raitt.


Until next time..

Jenny

Day 500- Peeling the onion part 2 - Where i went wrong..

I was sitting at work today listening to some really heavy Grace Potter and the nocturnals music when i suddenly had a flash back into many of my prior relationships. After writing the post yesterday it really got me thinking about where i go wrong in the relationship...what is that moment, where it goes wrong, for me?

You all know that moment, when you have known for months that its not working, emotionally you have checked out. Hell you have fanasized about the right moment to end things.. This man(or women) is just not your forever partner. The very presence of them at times irritates you and or hurts you because either your too mean, or they are; Or your two distant, or they are. Then, you come home one day, or recieve a text(those are my favourite) that its not "working out". This should be a moment of happiness for you, release, the ability to move on.. But instead, you find yourself hysterically crying for this person (the person you havent wanted for months) and you even take it one step further and your BEGGING them to not leave you, and conviencing them, throwing out every reason your mind can conjour up as to why you are right for them, and why it can change... That, my dear friends.. is the Moment i have pinpointed where i  go wrong in the relationship....

Thats me, down there on the floor, couch, over the phone, in bed crying... Feeling utterly lost, alone and at odds with "how" how could it of possibly went this way. It was Perfect. The months of fighting, heartache, distance, lack of romance, disgust, insacurities and overall in abilities to like the partner i am with. WHERE IN THE WORLD DID IT GO WRONG? Right.... hahah pathetic right.

Now this scenario only applies to part of the time. Me, that girl wading through mile long piles of tissue has a fear of failure. I would rather date a guy i don't like  (This is man 1-4 in my peeling the onion part 1) for months, hell even Years after its just not right because i don't want to be that girl that never tried enough to fix what was wrong. I of course, blame this on the fact that after my divorce i felt like maybe i could have tried harder and didn't.. so i promised myself at that moment, 7 years ago, to never give up so easy again. To a fault based on the above pre mentioned scenario. I have even had one therapist goes as far as saying i suffer from Co-Dependancy. Like i actually am crazy enough to think these poor schmucks depend on me for happiness... right, thats precisely why I'm the one crying on the couch. ha!

The funny thing about this whole crying, poor me act that i put on for god knows what reason, is that half the time I'm watching it happen like a horrible train wreck in complete and utter shock that I'm doing it.

Whats worse, is when its the men i should cry for... i don't. 

I have determined this hysterical crying crazy women is due two 2 primary things. One, as discussed prior, i hate failing at anything in life. Two, I just don't want to have to start over... Again. I mean, who does?

This leads me to the other part of my.. the moment it goes wrong scenario. The second part of this is the "no cry jenny" side. I have this horrible thing i do when i really actually love and care about someone or something, and things are coming to an end and they are breaking down in front of me... I'm like a stone cold steve austin...

I have most likely at this point cried so many nights in secret that i am all cried out, but its worse than that. I don't like the people i love seeing me weak and with my guard down. So when those relationships end, i tend to be somewhat cold and distant.  I get actually quiet pissed off (if its ending because of them). Because the thing i know well about myself, i am very Utilitarian in nature. i look at a relationship (this I'm sure is part of the problem) like an investment. I put a large down payment into these things as do all of us, i invest my emotions, my time, my heart, my love and i expect of course a return on this investment in some way, usually a successful relationship would be a good trade off.  Maybe... i should stop treating relationships like a business transaction.. maybe..

So when it all comes crumbling down, I'm left feeling like my investment was a flop and i can't get back those minutes, hours, days, weeks and years of time that was wasted on someone who knew months in, i was not right for them. But such is life.. The worst part of these endings is usually i am left being called cold, heartless, or my most recent and personal favourite "rotten to the core".

( I should note here, maybe when the guy said i owed him for a bill he paid for doggy daycare, i maybe shouldn't of responded " Perfect.. you can deduct that from the 5,000 you owe me for my dogs leg you broke and said you would pay for.. and didn't"... Story of my life.. literally, two boyfriends, two dogs, two busted legs, two 5,000 dollar bills.. .when the hell will i learn.. (to stop buying dogs haha)

If there is one thing i do know that maybe is part and partial to the cause of this dilemma.. I truly know that i don't NEED a man to be happy. I WANT a man to share my life with. The problem is, most people want to be Needed, not just WANTED. Thus, breeding all sorts of insecurities when they learn they aren't. The inevitable demise of my relationships all stem around insecurities and trust issues. Go figure..

This, leads me to a song by Beyonce "Why don't you love me" that I am putting out there for all of those men and women who know there worth. (This title also verbatim is something i have asked a man on more then one occasion crying my eyes out for no reason... oh man..) 500 days and feeling it!  Now download this song and shake your bootie because you know your awesome, just not awesome for everyone.. and THATS OK!!!



"Why Don't You Love Me?"

Now, now, now, honey
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now 
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune
Ooh.....

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB

Off to Italian Language class... lets not even get into why i am taking that... old habits die hard ; )

Until next time...

Jenny

Day 501 - Peeling the onion and shedding the Stigma - Part 1

I feel like life has gotten the best of me lately. As with all things when you get back to "Life" it tends to consume you. All of the new revelations, goals, desires, dreams and intents that you create  fall to the way side and Jobs, Dogs, cleaning, working, studying, visiting and just living takes over. I have been lacking in the Blog writing department and the true intent of the purpose of this blog.. for me.

So back to basics.

Peeling the Onion - The many layers of me. Why am I this way? Why am I 28, divorced, single and now putting every effort possible into staying that way. Why did I use to despise my girlfriends when i would find out they were getting married, or having babies (Part 2 will look at this).. YAY another baby.. why has that changed?

This is Part 1 of the ol' Onion peel. I figure why not take a look at why my relationships fail. This focus of course will be on the men (a little on me maybe too).. we can look at me another day ;) always easier to place blame right.. Common you know I'm right...

I really got to thinking about this ever since that new Taylor Swift song came out "Trouble". You have got to give the girl props, she does know how to write a good tune. That song is like the story of my life when it comes to the men i choose to date. I'm not sure why, but i think it has a lot to do with my inner self putting up walls and saying "lets date semi unavailable men, broken men, or men that live too far away in places you will never live" that way, we dont get hurt. RIDICULOUS.

I typically tend to end up like some sad science experiment when it comes to dating. I  run on what i call the "dating hamster wheel" i keep running on the same type of wheel and wondering why i am still stuck on the wheel, exhausted, thirsty, tired, yet still running after the shiny red apple that i cannot reach.

I figure its best explained by diving into the TYPICAL type of man that i date. I can sum it up into 4 very distinct categories. (This i know applies to many men i know in relation to women so just reverse if you are a man reading this)

1. The Bad Boy
2. The Distance Dude
3. The Ladies man
4. The Good Boy (I'm sure you know how that turns out)

Lets look a little deeper into these typical dating types.

The Bad Boy : We all know this guy, rough around the edges with a very scruffy sexiness to him. The I don't give a F@#4K Attitude. Free spirited, easily angered, easily distracted. Likes to fight, drink, party and can be very cold. Good from far, but far from good. I have managed to date this type of guy at least a handful of times. Its a wonder (Every time) when i sit there not understanding "why" he is punching walls, "why" is he so quiet like i did something wrong , the eat you up inside kind of eeriness , "why" doeshe  talk down to me and yell at me, "why" do all of my girlfriends hate him.... HMMMM why? haha

The Distance Dude: This is my personal favourite. Literally ( If any of you knew my drawn out love affair with Slave lake dude you understand why). This is the guy that lives in a different city. It seems so amazing because i get all the space i want, and every time we see each other its like a romantic holiday.. right.. WRONG. for a time its like this. But then when you actually want a commitment, the NEXT step.. aaah i love that next step, you know, the one i never take with this type of man. There is Always some reason why i cannot move, or they cannot move. and so it goes on, and on and on. This is my personal favourite choice as it in all ways, shapes and forms stops the inevitable from happening. You know the thing i think i want, but apparently don't actually want based on my re accruing choices. Settling down. So distance man is a perfect fit. Or at least he was..

The Ladies Man- mmmmmmm i Loooove the ladies man. i mean, don't we all. He is so charming, sexy, talented at cooking, singing (usually), crooning, story telling, dancing, anything that will make you forget all of his laundry list of flaws.. including the women you just saw him kissing, because he is just soo... aaah. Its funny with this man. It almost becomes like a challenge, you see women hanging off of him, you see his mile wide ego and you think... i WILL make him mine (this applies for men to women as well of course). Your animalistic  instinct kicks in. You are a lioness and you will make him your lion. You are straight Peacocking Saying things you wouldn't normally, trying things you wouldn't dare... just to make him yours.. And of course, you do... the disappointing part is when you get him back to your place and realize, what is all the fuss about? this guy is so consumed in himself that he doesn't even bother to take your shirt off. hahahah. That or he is so looser pissed by the end of the night he ends up falling over and making a complete fool of himself.. Casanova my ass. But by that point, like any good girl.. you don't want to feel like it was a one time thing.. so you actually manage to seal the deal and date this guy... WTF are you thinking? yes i ask my self this every time.. Its no wonder when you find out he was cheating on you a week into dating. go figure. (hey, you asked for it)

The Good boy : There is not much to say about this guy. I mean he is perfect, nice, good values, decent looking, well educated, well mannered. He is loved by your parents, your friends, he spends countless hours telling you how amazing you are, how much he likes you, how he pictures your life together, he is everything you have been searching for.. PUKE. yes. Then as always, you get bored, irritated, the very sight of this man you spend weeks "loving" being with because you just ended a relationship with the complete dick the bad boy or the complete pervert the ladies man.. so this man is a god send.. until he is not. Poor man, he never knew what hit him.

Well, that about sums up my dating choices over the last 10 years. Its no wonder i am still single. The one thing i have to note, is what  every single one of these men have in common, for me anyways. They are broken... They have some problem that i feel the need to fix.

Hell if you don't have a problem you mine as well turn around and walk away. This lady only likes guys that are Messed up. Guys that have crazy baby mommas (yes plural) , guys that have commitment issues, guys that are incapable of making decisions to save there lives, guys that have emotional baggage from there child hoods, guys with daddy issues, just ISSUES. i think i am mother Teresa of the dating world wanting to save all of these poor men, fix them, mold them into the Perfect boyfriend. 

You can see that the problem is not the men... ITS ME. what a revelation. Hence the Road to 30..

The worst part is when you actually put all of your heart, emotion, time into them. You give up opportunities for the benefit of them, you move, you change jobs, you do just about anything because you HAVE to make it work.. you KNOW they will change. Then you wake up one day when its all ending and realize you were the one doing all of the changing and they were never meeting even 1/16th of the way. That's a problem. I think this is a very common problem for both men and women.

Why is divorce rate so high? Maybe because we keep settling for people that we know deep down are not right. We keep dating these Men or Women thinking we can change them, changing ourselves for them .Nothing ever truly changes when it is the depth of who you are, nor should it have too. So what happens... Well... I am a prime example. You wake up 1.5 years into a marriage and realize you have been pretending to be someone you are not (There, i said it out loud. Scott, I'm sorry) , you look over at the person lying next to you and realize this is not love, at least not the kind you had hoped for. Your life is basically a lie. That's what happens when you fall victim to the North American pandemic of the need to  "settle" to be happy. Right.

This year, for me.. is a time for change. I have no expectations, i have no desire to date the men above. I just want to figure out what being happy Alone really means, before i will ever try and be happy with someone again. Because using men that are not right for you, to fill some void you haven't even understood why you have is just not right. . . So all you broken, bad ass, ladies men that live around the world.. Best of luck with your future women, because it is most certainly not me. haha not anymore anyways.

Back to that Taylor swift song...

"Once upon time
A few mistakes ago
I was in your sights
You got me alone
You found me

I guess you didn't care
And I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard
You took a step back
Without me

And he's long gone
When he's next to me
And I realize the blame is on me
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i'd never been
Now i'm lying on the cold hard ground"

 Until next time...

Jenny

Day 506 - Whispers to the Wind

"I left my heart in Beirut" She said.. I stared listening, these words whispering past my ears, so magical. You have to wonder, with her youthful beauty, her delicious italian accent, her perfectly shiny, gorgeous dark hair that falls just so.. how could someone in Beirut cause her to feel as though she had left her heart there? I didn't understand what she meant... That is, i didn't comprehend the ability for one place (not a person) to so deeply move you with such longing. not until Dec 18th did i understand this concept.

Standing atop the Andes, staring out at the miracle before me. The vastness of its presence that moves your very soul. It was that moment, the air crisp, legs tired, rain fading to a mist, that the Mountains lit up, the heavens opened and brought clarity to that very spot, and the wind whispered in my ear... that was the moment i understood. It radiated through the entirety of my being. That was when the thought approached me.

 I left a part of my Being, my essence, my soul on that mountain in Peru.. i replaced that piece of me, with something much more profound. Words cannot even explain this.

Let me get back now to the start of my journey. Its been a few days ( a week) since i was able to blog. Since than, I have left Calgary, flown to Peru, Hiked Machu Picchu and arrived back home, alone.

A typical hike of the Incan Trail takes 4 days (this is the general tour you can get). Its 44km of mountain terrain that has about 15km of that a straight incline. The first day is roughly 10km of flatness with gradual incline, the 2nd day is straight uphill (not ramp like, but stone steps) for 8 km than down hill for another 3-4km. Day 3 is 16km of up hill and down hill, day 4 is 4 km and Machu Picchu. Easy right!

Ya, well would of been easy if my permit came in time. I get a call Monday after being in Cusco for 1 day and expecting to leave the following day Tuesday to hike until Friday. Well wouldn't you know it, My permit doesn't show up! the government is a day behind. So I am told.

This is when i receive what at the time seemed like the most disappointing news ever.. "Sorry lady, you cannot hike the Incan trail. Your options are the jungle trek or the 2 day Machu Picchu visit" Are you F&^$%#$ Kidding me! I just came all this way to PROVE to myself i could do this. To hike the WHOLE trail, no porter (person who carries your bags) and carry my 20lb backpack across the Andes myself!

I am not sure if it was just pure frustration, desperation or all of those years of using my Womenly Wilds to manipulate situations but being the oh so demanding women i am, i turned to this poor peruvian guide and said "Listen Buddy, i came here to hike this trial, i WILL hike this trail, and you will help me find a way to do it. I don't care if i have to hike the whole damn thing alone, i am doing it".. 100 US later (what can't money buy, right.. ugh) and i have my own personal guide and have committed to hiking day 1 & 2 above, alone, in 1 day to reach the group who left a day prior. FUN. EASY right? thats what i thought.

Well you can only imagine my surprise when 13 km into the Hike , i am less than half way up the Steepest incline, climbing to 4200 Meters and I'm at a fork in the road.  Only one word can truly describe to me what this hike, 21km in one day felt like. SUFFERING. True Suffering. Pilgrimage style Suffering. My legs feel like led, I'm tired, my back hurts, the lack of sleep the night before (2 hours) and the elevation are getting to my brain and i just feel like i can't breath. No amount of puffs on my Inhaler is helping (yes asthma). Every 10 steps i have to stop and take a "break" and i keep turning to my sweet guide Juan Carlos saying "i am so so sorry, i am usually way better than this, i feel like I'm failing you" and he winces, noting his tiredness too as this poor man has only ever done this trek in 1 day, 3 times in his life. Juan always responds "Its ok Rosita (my mothers name) everyone struggles here, you are doing great, take your time, its ok lady, its ok".

Then 2/3 of the way up i just stop. I cannot go on. Thats when it happens. Juan turns to me. "Mrs. Rosita, let me take your bag, i am a strong man (he is 5,5 and weighs I'm sure a buck 40), i can take both (he already has a bag and two walking sticks). It Hits me.. the tears.. i feel them, starting, welling up, trying to escape. Why am i about to cry do you ask?.. because i have a fear of Failure. I hate to fail, this moment, Juan asking to help me.. it destroyed me. I felt like i came this far, how could i give up now.

Its amazing to me what the human psyche can do to overcome the pain and suffering of the human body. It took one instance of fear of failure and i did what i do best. I turned to Juan and said "I can take my own F@#$# bag, Thank you" i turned around and started climbing at a pace unmatched by any other I'm sure that day. I could hear Juan hollering at me "slow down ms. Rosita, you need to be careff....uuu....lll" and i was gone. Moments later i saw the peak, it only fuelled my motivation. I picked up speed and climbed, climbed and climbed.

I remember thinking at one point " this is amazing that i don't even feel my body anymore, its like the pain doesn't exists" i remember thanking god for blessing me with the ability to block out my worldly feelings. I remember seeing the peak, i remember watching it come ever so closer with every step. Like each step represented a moment in my life i wanted to leave behind, a failure i wanted to overcome and a future i was striving towards. I kept climbing.

And than the moment happened, the one all people look forward to, whether it be a hike, a challenge, a life event, reaching the Precipitous of the moment, the peak, staring out at all that you have accomplished, looking back for a fleeting moment to soak it in, and reminisce on the journey that lay behind you and looking forward to the new opportunity in front of you. .. (Enters Juan Carlos) " You are a rock star ms. Rosita" (High five Juan, yes i am!!)

I stood atop that mountain a new women. (Maybe i am over dramatic because its the highest mountain i had hiked, but it wasn't the mountain that was the point, it was the journey it represented) To be honest seeing Machu Picchu was so amazing, but it fades in comparison to reaching the top of this peak.

Either way there are three very valuable lessons i had learned on this hike :

• Never underestimate the ability of your body to perceiver. You can ALWAYS give more then you think you can
• Less is more. 20lbs was not fun to carry
• Don't forget Toilet paper (Not pretty...trust me)

One thing i should note. When we finally made it to camp that night, Juan had said it should be about 11 hours of hiking to get there. I was continually apologizing to him for being slow, taking too much time, not being good enough. I think this is something i commonly do in life. Rather than being ok with just being me, i have gotten so use to apologizing for not being good enough, quick enough, smart enough, loving enough etc.. Well the funny thing about that... my Enough was 7.5 hours. not 11. We arrived to camp only 2 hours behind the group who started a day prior and we had Hiked the Incline 3 hours faster. HELL YES! 

I am going to try to let my inner light guide me and leave the sorries behind me!

As will all of these posts. A poem or little saying i wrote along the way :

"May you always be one step ahead of the darkness finding you, and guided eternally by the light inside you"

Until next time...

Jenny

Day 515 - Temptation is a drink best served HOT aka Caliente!

Well, this will be quick because i am hiking Machu tomorrow and my guide comes at 4 am.. Frig, 4 am.. how am i suppose to hike a mountain with less than 5 hours of sleep and no dinner. We shall see!

So in line with the title of this entry. Temptation is a the mother of all evil, as yes, a drink best served smoking Hot.. or as the Spanish say Caliente! I say this only because i am nothing but a week person, as like most people and when tempted... well its darn hard to not just eat the yummy delicious, perfect, well made, gift from god Chilean, i mean Cupcake that has the " do not touch"  sign on it.. i am only human. ( i have started eating chocolate as a coping mechanism)

My Temptation comes in the form of a 21 year old Chilean man named Nicolas. Hahaha right...
You see, leave it up to Fate, Luck, or just plain old gods joke on me, or test to see how seriouse i am about my goals.. But leave it up to him/her to place this man in my hotel. Of all the hotels in Cusco, he had to be in mine. Now, let me start by saying Cusco is not a booming metropolis for handsome men. Its full of hippies. Men that haven't showered in what looks like years with long dreads ( i like dreads, just the clean kind). Its full of , well, not my type of man. Then there is Nicolas. Such eye candy ( yes for one moment i am going to objectify a man.. if you can do it, so can i). Let me paint a most vivid picture of this temptation. (i apologize to any men reading this). Nicolas is 6 foot 2 tall drink of creamy dark temptation. Skin kissed by the sun gods, hair thick and brown and full, eyes like the color of honey, beautiful pouty lips, bright white smile , oh and lets not forget built like the professional soccer player that he is... aaaaaah. yess (I say this as i eat yet more chocolate)... i have the horrible pleasure of watching this man walk past me every single time i am a the hotel. What i gained from his trainer (the only one that can speak English) they are not allowed to leave the hotel as they are here for soccer and that is it. So every single morning, afternoon and evening that i walk up to my room, i walk past this marvel just lazing around. Sometimes shirtless... yes SHIRTLESS..

WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO, TO DESERVE THIS.. NOW ( takes a bite of chocolate)  hahaha

I mean, common. I cant even speak English to the guy and he keeps trying to speak with me with this devilish grin and these sweet Spanish words. Give me a break here. Its so cute. He is 21, i feel like Jennifer Lopez hot off a divorce and i cant seem to get my kicks from the oldies so im drinking the hot sweet coolaid of the younger man..... Back up. I am fantasizing about the hot sweet caliente coolaid. My drink.. cold, sober, flavourless, lonely.. water. My favourite kind.

Anyways, just thought i would share that i am in temptation hell. Its a nice hell but still not one i want to be in. So i have gained 5 lbs in 3 days and taken 2 cold showers haha. MMMMMM Chocolate. haha

Looking forward to heading off on my Hike tomorrow to clear my head and mind of temptations and get onto what i came here for. Vastness, inner fulfillment and just ME time.

Temptation: (i creeped this photo off facebook. yes im crazy)

as is custom with these, the following is my favourite biblical quote as of right now in regards to the above.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

my escape.. machu picchu.. TOMORROW.

until next time...

Jenny