"You , You've been looking, at me
just a little too long..
now I, I can never , look the same"
Well, as with all things in life.. Its been a while. In fact, a long while. Over 6 months to be exact, since I have found time, inspiration, desire, need...to write.
So.. write I shall.
I have spent the majority of my day with this looming feeling of loneliness. This thing that plagues me, you, all of us really. The need to have this void, this ever changing, fiery core that creeps up now and again filled (Despite how already full your life may be). The unfortunate thing about that, is I don't truly believe it ever goes away, its almost a necessity. Its what drives us. Without that occasional need for change, desire for more, to be truly fulfilled, to fill up that ol' void.. We would sit stagnant, we would not progress, because we would be content. Its the lack of content that drives progression in life. And, oh... do I lack that beautiful, peaceful, lull that we call content.
But its days like this, when I am driving for what feels like the millionth time in a month down that straight, never ending, icy cold highway between here and there, that I desire to be content in all things. To not feel that desire for progression, to not feel this pit that grows daily deep inside me to escape my even now, wonderful existence. To throw it all away and run deep into life, so deep that I don't come back, and if I ever do I wont recognize the me I am now, the me that looks at me through the rear view mirror, this women I have become, that I want to continually change but despite my best efforts, all that remains.. is me.
And then that song, it rises, it brings me there, a soliloquy to further ebb me to the edge. I crack , tears, loud singing, covered in tears... Like I could add any more to my already tumultuous internal battle with self, I add tears( wussy, I say to myself.. go figure.). Maybe I'm missing you, maybe I feel exhausted because I haven't slept for more then 5 hours a night in what seems like years, maybe its because I can breathe, or because I really never imagined I would be here, like this, .. or maybe its just because I am still running from self.. crazy self.
And then he says it, like it was meant for me, this moment...
Hallelujah.... Hallelujah... Baby Ive been here before, I have seen this room and I have walked this floor.. you know, I use to live alone before I knew ya.. And I have seen your flag on the marble arch, and love is not a victory march.. its a cold, and its a broken Hallelujah.....
Or maybe.. its because I have become so use to having my existence, intertwined with yours. I have become so use to feeling full, because my fullness was fulfilled in seeing your love reflected at me ...daily, and I absorbed it selfishly. I took every last drop like I needed it to survive, despite having nothing to give back.. I felt full, through the love you gave.. freely, unconditionally.
I , like all strong women have convinced myself that I don't need anything, and anyone but me. This was true, or at least, I thought it was. Then all of a sudden, without the daily reminder of who I am, what I am capable of, through your eyes.. off all that is possible, all that I am, and all I want to be, that I see through you... I am at a loss.. because its a cold version of me that is reflected back, because the only one that had time to alight the desire in me was you, not even I...
Hallelujah... Hallelujah.........
