" Its not much of a life your living, its not just something you take, its given"
Here I am , exploring life. All of its opportunities, forms of living , forms of caring , and sharing my life with others. I use to think living was a simple thing, but lately I seem to be drowning in its complexities. In this path to personal enrichment, I have found myself turned upside down, inside out and utterly confused, sitting now questioning my own purpose in this journey. I have blurred my own lines between the intent of a journey, the journey itself and the destination. I'm sitting here now, wondering which of the three matters most..
My path, this plan and life's effervescence has somehow been dulled by the inner workings of my heart. This, a thing I write about often. But I had imagined letting go to be easier. But like all things in life, its not.
I find it so very interesting how a touch, a movement, a memory, a smell.... ah yes, a smell.. can utterly crash a somewhat smooth auto pilot course to living. Sometimes it can seem so overwhelming that you hold for dear life as you watch the emotions crash around you, your senses ignite, the smell overcome you and the memory damn erupt. Than your their... forced to relieve the best, worst and most intimate moments of your life, even if for a fleeting second, its enough.
I use to think it was important to push those moments above aside.. to push the emotion , the pain, the somewhat endless suffering down. To ignore it and not allow myself to wallow in something that I have no hope in hell of changing. This is something I have become too good at. There in lies the problem.
When you spend the better part of your adult life ignoring important feelings that are key to accepting and moving forward, you stay stuck on repeat. Like ground hog day. If you don't deal with your emotions, acknowledge them, hell wallow in them for as long as is healthy, I don't believe you will ever get over them. That's why for me, they keep popping up, like a slow, silent, endless torture.. they keep arising.
Recently someone challenged me to allow the feelings to wash over me, to accept them and live in them. Its a hard thing to do, its like the Rhianna song for me. " The reason I hold on.. oooooh cause I need this hole gone. . . . not really sure how to feel about it, something in the way you move, makes me feel like I cant live without you, and it takes me all the way.. I want you to stay.." Those 4 letter words. STAY.. that's why I believe I, and many other people do this, push things down, do not confront them. Because when I do, when I wallow, when I allow to really feel the grief and loss of it. To let the idea of my life only being completed by this person go.. He will be gone. And however twisted and sick it is, I want the memory to stay.. the pain to stay, because its the closet thing to being in his presence. (How messed up is that??!
I really don't know what is worse. Loving to much, or not Loving enough. I feel like I was defeated by the latter of these two adversaries, and the first has now caught up, but alas too late, so the latter now taunts me.
Hollow
I hear it tick and watch you go , with you the words ill never know
Through the moonlight and between these lines, drifts a silent loving crime
As the clock falls and the hand strikes one, all we had will be undone
It flows around me and swallows me whole, all the words ill never know
The chasm releases what's buried inside , feelings of you I masterly hide
As the time moves on the memories unleash, I feed the engine like a beast
Burning inside this fiery glow, this moment , you leaving and the words ill never know.
Until next time,
Jenny
